Escalation occurs when partners respond back and forth negatively to each other, continually upping the ante while the conversation gets more and more volatile. Even just a minor negative comment can increase the level of arousal and soon a small disagreement escalates into a major fight.
Escalation can develop over something as small as not putting the lid back on the toothpaste, or eating the last chocolate chip cookie. As the conversation revs up, partners start to become more and more aroused. Then before they know it, they are saying mean things to and about one another. Frequently spouses bring up the "D" word with threats to end the relationship.
As emotions escalate, verbal communication often deteriorates, and unwary spouses can start hurling words that hurt each other and damage the feelings of love and closeness they once had.
Reckless words pierce like a sword.
Proverbs 12:18
Oneness and intimacy can be shattered quickly by a few reckless words, and
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when that happens, the marriage relationship is damaged severely. The research shows that those couples whose marriages failed, frequently exhibited this pattern of escalation, allowing conversations to escalate and spin out of control.
On the other hand, the research shows that successful couples whose marriages last, are less prone to let conversations escalate into damaging interactions. With these couples, if a conversation starts to escalate, they are able to steer out of the tailspin before it ends up in a full-blown crash.
You may be thinking, "Well we don't fight like cats and dogs, like that." And while that may be true, your marriage could still be at risk to this factor in another more subtle way.
Escalation is not always dramatic.
Voices don't have to be raised for couples to get into a cycle of returning negative for negative. Conversations over paying the rent, taking out the garbage, running errands that result in muttering to oneself, rolling your eyes, or throwing up your hands can also be examples of escalation. Even a casual conversation with your spouse can take a sharp turn and go the wrong direction if you let it. The good news is, you don't have to let it.
Read the rest of this article - here.
Written by Roy Milan. Mr. Milan is a marriage counselor and educator located in Houston, TX. For more, visit www.marriageministry.org.
