Today is my wedding anniversary - and Jeff and I are celebrating! A few years ago I started marking the date by writing something about marriage in general and my marriage in particular, for Intersections on this day. (Past
Our brick in Centennial Olympic Park in Atlanta.
examples are here and here.) As you can imagine, with the last few years we've had with Jeff's health, I am reflecting quite a bit. Not that I need much to push me into reflective mode, mind you;) but... What a ride we've had. So, what follows are a few meditations on marriage that have been rolling around in my head and heart for a while in light of our present season of life.
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Just how married do I want to be? In some ways, being married is sort of like being pregnant. Either you are or you aren't. And in some ways, marriage is sort of like milk. There's skim, 2% and whole - you have some choice in your experience with it. There have been times in the last few years, with the threat of losing my Jeff hovering over me, that I have found myself pulling away from him emotionally in order to protect myself. Because it is so painful to fully feel all that is going on inside of me. Even as I've been very present and very committed to physically taking care of him. This is a natural tendency we all have - pulling away to protect ourselves. So I am asking myself these days, "Just how married do I want to be? Am I willing to go "all-in" even if I know it will hurt unbelievably to "stay in?" (I wrote about this phenomenon here a while back. It is one of my favorite posts I've ever written.) "Do I want the type of marriage that protecting myself builds, or do I want the type of marriage that an "all-in" investment, both emotionally and physically, builds? I've decided that I want to be very married, as married as one can be. Because "skim" marriage is so watered down...I don't want a roommate and babysitting partner. I want a husband. And having one of those well takes a lot of work. And emotional capital. And time. And tears. And I'm willing to pay for THAT experience with marriage... b/c kisses from a man I truly love are so much more satisfying than kisses from a man I just like...b/c I want my kids to grow up in a home where their parents are really married...b/c I want to be loved by Jeff fully like that...b/c when Jeff and I married 18 years ago, this is what we were agreeing to try and do together.
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Even when I don't think I have choice, I always have choice. I did not get to choose whether or not my husband got sick. It would be easy to focus on that - and allow helplessness, despair, anger and jealousy of others rise. (And those emotions, and many more, have certainly had their way with me many, many days. Have you read my blog in the past?) But there is so much I do get to choose in my life's situation! For instance...When our family's story is told years from now, I get a lot of choice in determining who I will be in that story. Will I be the woman who ran, if not physically, then emotionally? Will I be the woman who allowed bitterness to rise and rule in her heart and life? Or will I be the woman who decided to keep her vows - not just the letter of them, but the spirit of them as well? Will I be a wife who loved her husband as best as she knew how, as fully as she knew how, even as it held the potential to utterly break her heart? Will I choose to find the joy and humor in it all as best as I know how, even when the easier choice is to indulge the despair and self-centeredness that tempts us all in the middle of pain? I also get to choose much of how I walk with my Jesus through my pain - letting Him speak to me through it, heal me with it, strengthen me as
 a result of it. Which brings me to my next point...
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Pain isn't the worst thing that can happen to me. A life without meaning is. It is so easy to try and do my life and marriage without Jesus. Because sometimes He just complicates everything. (I wrote about this here.) And when I hurt, my natural response is to avoid, numb or medicate. Or to assume that the presence of pain indicates I am out of His will for my life, that He is at the worst, cruel, and at best, too busy to notice me. But what if...what if my pain is actually an invitation to more? To allow Jesus to do a deep and healing work of the heart within? To know Him more. To become more. To become a potential blessing to those I love? What if I decide to "stay in" those painful circumstances, and ask Jesus what exactly it is He is doing in my life ...and then cooperate with whatever His answer is? I have found that walking with Jesus through pain (instead of around it) does this most amazing thing. It grows my heart bigger. It allows me to love more. Forgive more. Weep more, yes. But also to laugh and enjoy life and being married more. And when my heart has a greater capacity to feel all that...to be more fully human...really great things happen in my marriage. And in my parenting. And in my life. My marriage can have greater meaning than just making me happy - although that is certainly a part of it! It can be a way Jesus makes me more whole. And I am finding that everyone around me benefits when I bring a more whole me to the table. But I have to choose to stay in it, even when it hurts, even when there are easier choices out there, even when how things are playing out isn't what I would choose on my own. Because...at least on the days I can gain a glimpse of clarity...I want my life to have meaning. I want my pain to have meaning. And pain is often a doorway to meaning. To clarity. If, and only if, I am willing to walk through it.
So, choosing to stay "all in" my marriage, wholly and fully, even when it hurts...can be absolutely wonderful. Even on the days it most definitely isn't. And this is part of what I am celebrating today with my husband. Happy Anniversary to us!
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