From: Oklahoma Marriage Initiative [adam.wilmoth@publicstrategies.com]
Sent: Thursday, November 18, 2010 12:54 PM
To: Coffin, Bill (ACF)
Subject: [MARKETING EMAIL]OK Marriage Minute - November 2010

Follow Up Flag: Follow Up
Flag Status: Red

31st Annual Conference of the Oklahoma Council on Family Relations is set for Spring, 2011

OCFR is accepting proposals for speakers and presenters; deadline Dec. 1

The 2011 conference will be held March 25, 2011, from 8 a.m. – 3:30 p.m. on the OSU campus in Tulsa.  They will be exploring the theme "The Modern Family: Risk and Resilience."  Dr. Judy Berry, Professor of Psychology for the University of Tulsa, will be the keynote speaker and will focus her presentations on some of the stressful experiences families encounter.  In addition, Paula Schlegel, an Instructor of Speech Communications at West Texas A&M University and a professional storyteller, will bring her use of humor to the lunch session and help us keep our lives in perspective. The Oklahoma Council on Family Relations is currently seeking qualified speakers to fill various breakout sessions.   They offer space for poster presentations and speaking opportunities via paper presentations or skill-based, educational workshops/roundtables.  If you would like the opportunity to tell others about information that you know, please consider applying to be a presenter.  For those interested in applying to be a presenter, please consider the following guidelines:

1. Topic is justified and relevant to the conference theme.
2. Proposal is clearly written and logically organized.
3. Sessions that involve data collection and analysis describe the research methods used, and the analysis and conclusions of the study.
4. Presentations of papers that are based upon clinical or practical experience describe their practitioner information in light of existing practice, theory or empirical evidence.
5. Papers and posters, whether based on data collection and analysis, or on practitioner experience, including the scholarly basis of their work.
6. Papers that are reviews of literature, theory and conceptual pieces are welcome.
7. As much as possible, all papers should follow the format of the Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association (5th Edition).
8. Proposal submission deadline is December 1, 2010.

For more information, contact:  Ms. Kuma Turner (OCFR President), Dr. Brian Camp (Past President), or Dr. Nate Cottle (President Elect).

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Creating an Opportunity Society

SAVE THE DATE!

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 From: Priscilla Hunt [huntpriscilla53@gmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, November 18, 2010 12:05 PM
To: Coffin, Bill (ACF)
Subject: [Better Marriages] Survival Guide for Couples: Home for the Holidays

Hollywood understands human nature. Why else would there be so many movies that portray the holidays being "enjoyed" by so many dysfunctional families? Perhaps the greatest enjoyment is ours as we laugh at and cringe at other families' dealing with their "stuff".

What makes these movies strike a chord with us is our personal experience with our own quirky families of origin and years of pleasantness and not-so-pleasantness around the proverbial family table. Let's just say, we've had our highs and lows!

Challenges of Spending Holidays with Our Family of Origin

It's all too easy to slip into our well-established place in the family system, the place that's reserved for us year after year. It doesn't matter that in the real world we're a successful adult making a name for our self in our chosen field. That we're respected, admired and even sought-after. When we're home, we're the middle child, the one with a temper, the one that flunked out of school, the one that never could quite measure up.

So, amazingly, we defy the laws of reason and slip right back into our childhood role in our family system, a role from which we've never been able to break free.

And then, of course, come the denial and the conspiracy of silence about our deep, dark family secrets. After all, if anyone knew that Mom is a drunk, Dad tortures kittens or Uncle Jake fondles little girls, giant billboards would be displayed in the center of town for all to see and life, as we know it, would end.

Challenges of Spending Holidays with Our In-Laws

Suddenly our spouse becomes a child again, unable to stand up for his rights, unwilling to stand up to her older brothers or parents, incapable of fulfilling the role of king or queen of your heart.

We, the most important person in our partner's life, suddenly become an outsider, fighting for a valued place in the extended family.

His or her family collectively becomes the Devil personified. So, again, the laws of reason are defied, denial ensues, and the gravy turns to sludge in your belly.

Not to mention that no one makes stuffing like your mother!

Answers to the Dilemma/Coping Strategies

As a couple facing family for the holidays, here are strategies that have worked for us through the years. The longer we're married, the better they work, the quicker we bring them into play, and the more completely our sanity is restored.

On the drive or plane ride, begin the process of preparation â€" begin talking about concerns, fears and desires. Look at patterns from the past and adopt a mantra of "no surprises". What has worked in the past? What hasn't? It helps to have realistic expectations!

• Talk about specific behaviors you'll institute this year that will help you cope. Discuss how each of you can offer verbal and nonverbal support to each other.
• Agree on signals you can give each other to mean 1) I've had enough, I've got to get out of here, 2) I need to know I'm more important to you than your parents, 3) family â€" what're you gonna do?!
• Clarify relational boundaries, those related to your couple relationship and those related to your extended family. Identify and claim what issues are yours, respect and relinquish what issues are your partner's and agree and commit to honor what issues are yours together.
• During your visit, find ways to affirm each other for the competent, well-adjusted adult you've each become.
• Remember that first and foremost you and your partner form a team. Affirm your solidarity. Your partner is not the enemy!
• Set in your mind a clear, vivid picture of your current family and home-sweet-home.
• Practice deep breathing and meditation that can levitate you from the dining table into the realm of sanity.
• Plant positive messages in your brain such as 1) I am an adult; 2) I am not a victim; 3) I am thankful for my family, such as it is; 4) nobody's perfect; 5) I'll soon be home in my recliner watching the big game.

Conversation to Bring You Closer to Your Partner During the Holidays

Before the hustle and bustle of the season, find a quiet place for the two of you, pour a cup of tea or glass of wine, make eye contact and hold hands. Using your best communication skills, both talking and listening, take turns sharing:

1. List the things that would make this a positive holiday experience for you personally.

2. List the things that would make it harder for you personally to enjoy the holidays.

3. List the things you are personally willing to do to make this a positive holiday experience.

4. Agree together on several things you each will do to make this a positive holiday experience.

Happy Holidays!

Keep reading. Keep learning. Keep growing.

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Posted By Priscilla Hunt to Better Marriages at 11/18/2010 10:29:00 AM

From: smartmarriages-bounces@lists101.his.com on behalf of Smartmarriages [smartmarriages@lists101.his.com]
Sent: Friday, November 19, 2010 12:32 PM
To: List; Blogs
Subject: More Pew / Solutions / Marriage Week - 11/19/10

Attachments: ATT00001..txt
- PEW REPORT
- HOUSEWIVES OF GOD
- "THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE" AUTHOR MARRIES
- POST YOUR NATIONAL MARRIAGE WEEK EVENTS

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- PEW REPORT
I received MANY comments on the Pew Report coverage and I agree I should have sent the link to the actual report.  Also, yes, I agree that even asking the question "Is Marriage Obsolete?" is damaging – contributes to the downward spiral (and see Lamar Tyler's point below about their skew and the damage).  The report makes even more clear our contention that the public is general clueless about the "state of our unions".  It is clear that we have our work cut out for us and definitely need to work harder to get what we know out there about 1) THE BENEFITS OF MARRIAGE TO MEN, WOMEN, CHILDREN, SOCIETY;  2) WHAT TO EXPECT IN MARRIAGE; and 3) HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR CHANCES AT HAVING A SUCCESSFUL, SATISFYING MARRIAGE (that it does not have to be an insane game of chance with 50/50 odds).  Surveys need to quit asking "Is Marriage Obsolete?" and start asking people if they know the benefits of marriage and if they understand HOW to make their marriages satisfying and successful.  Ask them if they know what the research has found about what makes marriages succeed or fail.  Those are the kinds of rhetorical questions we need to be asking young adults.  

Here's the full report with charts.  http://tinyurl.com/2fonblt

Here is a clip from Lamar Tyler's commentary on some of the flaws in the Pew Report:

The following passage comes from the actual Pew report:

In an effort to capture the experiences and attitudes of those living in both traditional and less traditional family arrangements, the survey included oversamples of three key groups: (1) adults who are divorced or separated and have at least one child younger than age 18; (2) adults who are living with a partner and have at least one child younger than age 18; (3) adults who have never been married and are not currently living with a partner and have at least one child younger than age 18.

Basically, what this tells us is that they oversampled using divorcees with kids, couples that cohabitate with kids and single parents. Could any these groups have an adverse view on marriage?

What I found after taking a closer look at the numbers was that there were some good things about marriage in that report that didn't surface in any media reports. I personally believe that this reckless reporting is one of the primary reasons that young people in some of our communities have given up hope when it comes to marriage.

Below are some key points that I pulled from that same Pew Research Center study along with headlines that I've created in case mainstream media feels like they'd like to revisit the topic to get the story straight:
NEW HEADLINE: 6 Out of 10 Americans Say Marriage Is Not Becoming Obsolete
WHAT THEY FORGOT TO TELL YOU: The flip side of the number that ran in all of the headlines.

EXTRACT FROM PEW:
Some people say that the present institution of marriage is becoming obsolete—do you agree or disagree?" some 39% of survey respondents say they agree, while 58% disagree and 4% say they don't know.
NEW HEADLINE: 70% Optimistic About The Institution of Marriage and the Family
WHAT THEY FORGOT TO TELL YOU: People were more optimistic about the future of marriage than they were about the country's educational system, economic system or eroding morals and ethics.

EXTRACT FROM PEW:
-In the midst of all this change, the public maintains a positive outlook about the future of the family. When asked if they feel generally optimistic or pessimistic about the institution of marriage and the family, 67% say they are optimistic, 27% are pessimistic and 6% are unsure.
-Despite these growing uncertainties, Americans are more upbeat about the future of marriage and family (67% say they are optimistic) than about the future of the country's educational system (50% optimistic), its economic system (46% optimistic) or its morals and ethics (41% optimistic).
NEW HEADLINE: More Couples Think Their Marriages Are Better Than Their Parents
WHAT THEY FORGOT TO TELL YOU: Most married couples of today believe their marriages compare favorably with their parents.

EXTRACT FROM PEW:
Moreover, marriage may have been more prevalent a generation ago, but most married or cohabiting respondents today believe their own relationship compares favorably with their parents'. Some 51% say they have a closer relationship with their spouse or partner than their parents had with each other, while just 5% characterize their own relationship as less close. The remainder—43%—say there is no difference.
NEW HEADLINE: Americans Think Married Couples Make More Money, Find Happiness Easier and Have Great Sex
WHAT THEY FORGOT TO TELL YOU: Most of those surveyed whether single or married thought marriage made life easier in many instances.

EXTRACT FROM PEW:
For example, when it comes to being financially secure, 35% of respondents believe this is easier to do as a married person, while 11% say it is easier for a single person and half say it makes no difference. Similar patterns emerge for having a fulfilling sexual life, finding happiness and having social status. The two outliers from this pattern are raising a family (fully 77% say this is easier for a married person) and getting ahead in a career (just 14% say this is easier for a married person, compared with 24% who say it is easier for a single person).

In the end just remember that the media is out to sell papers and not to save families.

Lamar Tyler is co-founder of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com <http://BlackandMarriedWithKids.com> . He's also the filmmaker behind You Saved Me <> and the upcoming film Men Ain't Boys which examines manhood in the African American community.

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- HOUSEWIVES OF GOD
Priscilla Shirer believes a Christian woman should submit to the authority of her husband.  But while she's teaching the gospel to other women, Mr Shirer doesn't mind doing the dishes.
Molly Worthen
New York Times Sunday Magazine
Nov 14, 2010

Priscilla Shirer's marriage appears to be just the sort of enlightened partnership that would make feminists cheer. On an average morning in their house in suburban Dallas, Shirer and her husband, Jerry, are up around 6:30, fixing breakfast for their three small boys. While Priscilla, 35, settles in to work at home and care for their 2-year-old, Jerry, 42, shuttles the older two children to school and heads to his office. He spends much of the day negotiating her speaking invitations and her book contracts. . . .

. . . Conservative Bible teachers like Shirer have built a new paradigm for feminine preaching, an ingenious blend of traditional revivalism, modern therapeutic culture and the gabby intimacy of Oprah <http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/people/w/oprah_winfrey/index.html?inline=nyt-per> . This is the biblical-womanhood-industrial complex: a self-conscious alternative to secular feminism that preaches wifely submission while co-opting some feminist ideas to nurture women like Shirer to take the lead, within limits. This fusion of confinement and uplift may seem like an empowering veneer on the reality of oppression. Or else, if women like Priscilla really are on equal footing with their husbands, it may seem like hypocrisy. Both appraisals overlook the messy interaction between ancient Scripture and modern life. Christians, like believers of all stripes, interpret their holy book in order to make sense of their lived experience. "Biblical womanhood" is a tightrope walk between the fiats of old-time religion and the facts of modern culture, and evangelicals themselves do not know where it might lead.

MINISTRY IS PRISCILLA SHIRER'S birthright. Her father, Tony Evans, founded a nondenominational church in their Dallas living room when she was a year old. The church grew into one of the largest African-American megachurches in the country, with a current membership of 8,500, an empire of related ministries and a syndicated radio show. By the time Shirer was a young adult, her father was speaking at rallies for Promise Keepers <http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/organizations/p/promise_keepers/index.html?inline=nyt-org> , the evangelical ministry that calls men to take charge of their families and fulfill the demands of "biblical manhood."   

After college, Shirer flirted with careers in television and Christian music, then earned a master's degree from Dallas Theological Seminary, an early epicenter of the fundamentalist movement. An internship at a Christian radio station led to a gig with the motivational speaker Zig Ziglar. She spent several years boosting morale in corporate audiences around the country, but she says she "longed for the opportunity to ask these people, 'Do you know Jesus as your Lord and Savior?' " She met Jerry when she addressed the corporate team of Hilton Hotels, where he was an executive. Jerry approached Priscilla's father for permission to date her, and about a year later, he asked him for the green light to propose. Evans made him put his request in writing. They married in 1999, and Jerry quit Hilton to work for his father-in-law's national ministry. After 10 years with Ziglar, Priscilla left to pursue women's ministry full time.        

   "The messages that I wanted to deliver catered to the feminine heart," she said. "It was intriguing to me to sit in a room full of girls and be able to share with them from my feminine life about motherhood, or marriage, or before being married — being single — and what that looks like as a woman, how we fold that into the context of a life that is pleasing to the Lord." Jerry quit his job to run his wife's ministry. Priscilla calls her vocation Going Beyond Ministries: her goal is to help women go beyond the humdrum experience of "church as usual," and go beyond sectarian divides to focus on the Gospel. All calls go through Jerry.        

Priscilla now accepts about 20 out of some 300 speaking invitations each year, and she publishes a stream of Bible studies, workbooks and corresponding DVDs intended for women to read and watch with their girlfriends from church. Jerry does his share of housework and child care so that Priscilla can study and write. He travels with his wife everywhere. Whenever possible, they take their sons along on her speaking trips, but they often deposit the boys with Jerry's mother. . . .     

            For the full article: http://tinyurl.com/2f2sjbw
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- "THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE" AUTHOR MARRIES
'He knew exactly how I felt on every level of dating'
Ellen McCarthy
Washington Post
Nov 14, 2010
On the same day the above article appeared in the New York Times Sunday magazine, the lead wedding featured in Sunday's Washington Post "On Love" section was the marriage of Lindsay Marsh author of "The Best Sex of My Life: A Guide to Purity" and founder and director of the Worth the Wait Revolution which encourages others to reserve sex for marriage.  She married Gareth Warren who says, like most, he was a player until he met  Marsh.  Introduced in church, their first date included her family. He'd earlier been given her book by a family friend so he knew what Marsh was about – knew she hadn't kissed a man in 10 years. The two "restored virgins" dated for almost 2 years and attended a couples communication workshop at their church before getting married and sharing their first kiss AFTER being pronounced husband and wife.  Here's the full article with photos:
http://tinyurl.com/2ayshob

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- POST YOUR NATIONAL MARRIAGE WEEK EVENTS
National Marriage Week USA will run a full-page national newspaper ad the week prior to National Marriage Week, which will direct folks to look for a marriage class or conference in its state-by-state search mechanism. News Alert to all marriage groups: POST YOUR EVENT for National Marriage Week USA (February 7 to 14th) at this link http://www.nationalmarriageweekusa.org/events/, so that folks who see the national ad can find it.  Use the red Post Events button at http://www.nationalmarriageweekusa.org/events/

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- FOR INFORMATION about how to post to the Smart Marriages® newslist;
subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/newslist.info.html

From: Stronger Families [info@strongerfamilies.org]
Sent: Thursday, November 18, 2010 10:36 AM
To: Coffin, Bill (ACF)
Subject: [MARKETING EMAIL]Renown Violinist Geoffrey Castle - A Benefit Concert for Stronger Families

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