Stability is a primary element of a healthy marriage. The turmoil and constant conflict associated with instability are harbingers of a marriage in trouble.
But, what marks the difference between stable and unstable marriages? Expert Terry Hargrave provides a provocative answer in “The Essential Humility of Marriage.”
Unstable couples haven't “just lost one another.” Hargrave explains they have “lost their relationship,” their “us-ness.” “Us-ness” is the recognition that the relationship is “an entity separate from but dependent on the partners.” It's “not quite one (partner) or the other, but has elements of both.” It's what couples have and are together that's more significant than either individual. Us-ness is an invisible, but very real, third party to every healthy marriage that “takes on a personality with characteristics of its own.”
Hargrave notes we've “over-focused on individuality” for the last 50 years. Individual rights, feelings, satisfaction and accomplishment, along with “self-actualization” and self-assertiveness, have become all-important. In the meantime, the power and value of “us,” as a separate entity from “you” and “me,” have been ignored.
Us-ness can only exist in a stable relationship. Hargrave says “stability is a prerequisite for trustworthiness.” Trust grows slowly over time. When we grow to trust someone, we're able to give without threats or manipulation and able to believe that our partner “in turn will give us what we need.”
Lack of trustworthiness inevitably leads to unstable relationships. Both parties “stop giving and find ways to protect themselves.” And, the more each holds back and moves to protect his or her interests, the more each causes additional harm to the other, and gives more reasons not to be trusted in the future. In the process, us-ness is destroyed.
Hargrave says, however, that issues of power and control can be even more destabilizing than matters of trustworthiness. In unstable marriages, both “spouses start competing for the power.” Their decisions are not motivated to promote us-ness. Instead, decisions are made for individual purposes.
Competition for power in the relationship comes in several forms, all of which are damaging. For example, when either spouse:
♦Tries to “shape the relationship as he or she wants it to be.” What is good for “me,” not “us,” is the prime motivation.
♦Makes disrespectful or unloving comments at the expense of the other. Actions that sabotage the legitimate plans of your spouse, simply because you don't like them, are also attempts to dominate. It pits you against your spouse to determine who's in control.
Abusive behavior, either physical or emotional, is an extreme example of a power grab that destroys us-ness. Abusive individuals demand all the power, insist the relationship be run as they demand and show little interest in how their words or actions harm their spouse. Follow the old adage: “First, do no harm.” Abusive behavior always harms us-ness.
There are many things couples can do to promote their sense of us-ness. However, the most important are: recognize the value of your us-ness, act in trustworthy ways, and avoid the temptation of trying to take over the relationship and “fix” your spouse.
--> 2010, All Rights Reserved. James Sheridan has been married for 43 years. He serves as Chief Judge of the 2-A District Court in Adrian, Mich. His Web site is www.marriagedoneright.com. This column is the personal opinion of the writer and does not necessarily reflect the views or opinion of The News-Sentinel. To read more Neighbors and Features columns, click on Columns at www.news-sentinel.com.