---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: "Smartmarriages" <smartmarriages@lists101.his.com>
Date: Sep 15, 2011 5:10 PM
Subject: Senior Moments / Sources/ Revamping / Sweet Tedium - 9/15/2011
To: "List" <smartmarriages@lists101.his.com>, "Blogs" <cmfce@smartmarriages.com>
- TEACHABLE SENIOR MOMENT
- CLOUD 9
- TRACKING IT DOWN
- ENGAGED ENCOUNTER REVAMP
- TILL TEDIUM DO US PART:
*******************
- TEACHABLE SENIOR MOMENT
Take 3 mins and watch this one. It¹s ostensibly about seniors trying to use
a new computer, but it¹s really about their wonderful marriage and sexy
relationship. A teachable moment for all couples, everywhere.
http://tinyurl.com/623o9ql---------------------------------
- CLOUD 9
Which reminds me of another senior moment. One of you a while back
suggested I watch the film Cloud 9. I did, recently, and now highly
recommend it, and, not in spite of, but because of, the sex scenes and
nudity between the elderly couples (70s/80s). And, I recommend it for ALL
ages. It reminded me of a client I saw 30 years ago when I was in private
practice. She had separated from her husband and tried several lesbian
relationships. She said that the invaluable thing she learned in these
relationships was that her body, though far from perfect, could be adored
and found to be very sexy. That she was stunned that she could find an
overweight, less-than-perfect, female partner¹s body to be very sexy. She
said it completely changed her sex life with her husband, not what they
did, but how she was now able to believe, accept and enjoy his love of her
and of her body. The film is extremely poignant and challenging in so many
ways. Many teachable moments. Watch it together. I got it on Netflix. -
diane
--------------------------------
- TRACKING IT DOWN
Bill Coffin, former Marriage Education Specialist at ACF, sorted out where
the reporter made her mistake. - diane
Diane,
Tell Brent & Carol Mock that their Skillful Couples program is listed on
NHMRC website where they list everyone who submits info about what they¹re
doing:
http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org/educators/find-local-programs/pa/index.aspx
Their program is NOT listed on the ACF list of 2006 grantees
here
http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/ofa/grantees/list10-06.htm Bill Coffin
http://scoop.it/t/ideals ---------------------------------------------
- ENGAGED ENCOUNTER REVAMP
Dear Diane
You recently sent this as part of a post and the way it¹s written, I don¹t
think it¹s clear if it¹s a good or bad thing:
>> Burchett said the "Catholic Engaged Encountered" program is going through a
>> global revamp that should take shape around the first of next year. "They
>> have basically ripped the whole outline apart and redid the whole thing."
I am an Engaged Encountered (EE) presenter and I think the revamp is for the
good. While the basic topics and what has made EE work are remaining, the
talks are being updated to be more relevant, addressing modern issues (e.g.
finances, pornography, internet), include updates in the church's theology
of the body, and are now more logically organized around central themes
(family of origin, sacramental marriage, communication, intimacy, values).
There are also several new exercises for the engaged couples to do to. In
other words, what I have seen in the new outlines only seems to be an
improvement - I will present my first weekend using the new talks next
month.
Fr. Gary Coulter
Ashland NE
http://frcoulter.com---------------------------------------------------
- TILL TEDIUM DO US PART:
Couples who want to avoid divorce HAD BETTER sweat the small stuff
> By Heidi Stevens
> Chicago Tribune
> September 07, 2011
> (This is a good one full of reminders to help couples make it all the way to
> the sexy senior moments....to treasure & preserve the togetherness tedium. -
> diane)
>
> Ours has been the summer of extreme marital discontent. From Arnold
> Schwarzenegger¹s love child to Anthony Weiner¹s tweets to J.Lo¹s divorce No.
> 3, dysfunction and discord have been writ large.
>
> So what does that mean for regular folks? The ones whose marital ups and downs
> don¹t play out on the world stage, but nonetheless come into sharper focus
> when couples melt down so publicly?
> . . .
> Up to 60 percent of divorces in the United States, in fact, stem from
> ³low-conflict² marriages, Haag writes in her book, citing a study by marriage
> researcher Paul Amato. Marriages that aren¹t marred by abuse, addiction,
> repeated infidelity or other ³high-conflict² issues, in other words, actually
> account for the majority of divorces.
>
> So where do such marriages go wrong?
>
> There¹s rarely a singular tipping point. . .
> More often it¹s a slow erosion toward cohabitating strangerdom.
>
> Basically, we stop paying attention to each other. . . .
>
> The good news, experts agree, is that ³low-conflict² problems are extremely
> solvable. No addictions to overcome, no affairs to forgive, no crushing debt
> from which to emerge.
>
> ³It¹s very fixable,² says Hallowell. ³We just need to re-create some
> boundaries by reserving some time for each other and not giving in to the
> seduction and distraction of modern life.²
>
> That may mean turning down worthwhile opportunities.
>
> ³We¹re victims of our own enthusiasm,² he says. ³Turn down the committee you¹d
> love to serve on. Turn down the team you¹d love to coach. Turn down the good
> things ‹ great things ‹ that are not time-wasters at all, but when you have
> too many of them, they choke out the intimacy.²
>
> It may also mean diving in to some touchy territory.
>
> ³A lot of marriages can survive if we¹re willing to be somewhat imaginative or
> flexible within them,² Haag says. ³The first step is to have that difficult
> conversation and actually hazard some honesty with your partner. ŒYou know, I
> need more from my life than this.¹ The important thing is to not get into this
> celebration of mediocrity and sticking it out, but to have a conversation
> about some simple ways, or big ways, to change.²
>
> By contemplating changes that will improve our marriage ‹ big or small ‹ Cohen
> Praver says, we can train our brains to once again swoon for our same ol¹,
> same ol¹ partners.
>
> When you¹re in love, mirror neurons trigger certain brain chemicals that
> bolster emotional attachments, she says.
>
> ³Dopamine is activated, oxytocin, vasopressin ‹ which triggers loyalty,
> attachment, bonding ‹ testosterone, estrogen, serotonin,² she says. ³When the
> marriage is eroded, all that¹s on hold. But when you start to bring the
> marriage back, even in your imagination, the chemicals begin to get active
> again.
>
> ³Imagine a different kind of relationship ‹ imagine skinny-dipping with your
> partner, imagine being a more powerful person in your relationship,² she says.
> ³And begin to model it. As you change your behavior, you can unlock your brain
> and revitalize your marriage.²
>
> Fix your marriage. Now.
>
> At the end of ³Married to Distraction,² authors Edward M. Hallowell and Sue
> George Hallowell offer a list of 40 ways to make your marriage great. Five
> standouts:
>
> Remember that the key to romance is attention. Nothing is as romantic as
> having someone give you their undivided, sustained attention.
>
> Never let your spouse see you roll your eyes. Contempt breeds contempt.
>
> Divide labor evenly, trying to have each person do what he or she likes to do
> or dislikes doing least.
>
> Learn to control anger. Anger should be like a sneeze, brief, clearing the
> air, then forgotten.
>
> Take one half-hour and talk about ³stuff,² not about work, chores or
> conflicts, but about stuff you¹re interested in. Tell stories, ask questions.
>
> For the full article:
http://tinyurl.com/3lxhgppAND, HERE¹S MORE FROM THE SMART MARRIAGES QUOTES PAGE to help you avoid
letting love die:
When it comes to marriage, the more you focus on the bad stuff, the more you
focus on the bad stuff.
Pat Love
********************
Common courtesy plays a big role in happy marriages. People who are
permanently married are polite to one another. They don't want to hurt one
another's feelings, and they don't try to make the other one feel
humiliated. People who are married for life are extremely kind to one
another.
To go without sex is to endanger the relationship. It's very easy to build
up an incest taboo in a marriage. If you go without sex, your instincts
recognize this person as part of the family but cease to recognize the
person as a sex partner. The response can kick in surprisingly quickly - in
as little as six weeks. People make a terrible mistake in being angry with
their marriage partner and cutting them off sexually as a way of arousing
great passion. It used to work in the ninth grade. But it doesn't work in
the ninth decade.
You're not going to be in love all the time, but if you want to recapture
that magic from when you were in love, be loving. Being loving to your
partner makes you feel so good about yourself, it doesn't matter if you're
in love or not. The marriage is making you feel good if you are loving in
it.
Always keep your pants zipped in public.
Frank Pittman
************************
Write a list of ways that you have benefited from being married to your
spouse. Then write a
list of your spouses positive patterns and qualities. Keep adding to the
lists and reread them
frequently.
Rabbi Pliskin in Marriage
****************
A soulmate marriage does not at all mean that you have found someone you
match up with on all the
cards on all the issues, on everything. That would be the most deadly dull
thing to even imagine.
Instead, it means you've found someone and they don't ever want to blow out
that little light inside you.
And you feel the same way about them.
Diane Sollee
****************
You can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three
things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Maya Angelou
***************
In marriage, as in all things, the perfect can be the enemy of the good.
unknown
******************
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT
saying.
Unknown
€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€
Why would a couple that lives and sleeps together every night
need dates and rituals? Precisely because they live and sleep
together.
Bill Doherty, Take Back Your Marriage
**************
If a married couple with children has fifteen minutes of uninterrupted,
nonlogistical, non-problem-solving talk every day, I would put them in
the top 5% of all married couples. It's an extraordinary achievement.
Bill Doherty, Take Back Your Marriage
**************
Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to
take out the trash.
Joyce Brothers
***************
Do NOT do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their
tastes may
not be the same.
George Bernard Shaw
***************
In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce.
The trick is to find, and continue to find, the grounds for marriage.
Robert Anderson
*************
Our research estimates that 55-60% of marriages that end in divorce fall
into the category of "good enough marriages". These marriages appear to be
functioning well only a year or so prior to the divorce. From a child's
perspective, these divorce are unexpected, inexplicable, and unwelcome and
are thus most likely to harm children. These marriages are significantly
more likely to divorce because of infidelity, citing explanations of
"drifting apart" or "communication problems". They are unlikely to mention
abuse because these were not highly conflicted marriages.
Paul Amato, Smart Marriages keynote
************
Being in a long marriage is a little bit like that nice cup of coffee
every morning -
I might have it every day, but I still enjoy it.
Stephen Gaines
***********
Dad always speaks of Mom in the most complimentary, glowing terms. As does
she of him. This lesson made such an impression on me, I still remember when
I was age twelve and we were getting carpet installed in our home. The crew
boss was one of those stereotypical beer guzzling, hard-living guys, who
would have probably belonged to Ralph Kramden's Raccoon Lodge from the old
Honeymooner's TV show. For lunch, my folks bought pizza for the crew. Dad
went to talk with the boss about the job. I was around the corner listening.
The boss said, "This is an expensive job. Women will really spend your
money, won't they?" Dad responded, "Well, I'll tell you, when they were
right there with you before you had any money, it's a pleasure to do
anything for them you possibly can." This wasn't the answer the carpet
installer expected to hear. He was looking for negative banter about wives
which, to him, was natural. He tried again: "But, gee, they'll really play
off that and spend all they can, won't they?" Dad replied, as I knew he
would, "Hey, when they're the reason you're successful, you want them to do
the things they enjoy. There's no greater pleasure." Strike two. The crew
boss tried one more time, "And they'll take that as far as they can, huh?"
Dad responded, "She's the best thing that ever happened to me. I'd do
anything to make her happy."
I was trying not to laugh. I knew he wanted Dad to give in just a little
bit and say, "Yeah, I guess that's true." But it wouldn't happen... not in
a million years! Finally, the installer gave up and went back to work,
probably shaking his head in bewilderment.
Witnessing my dad in that moment taught me more about loving and respecting
your wife than anything he could ever have told me about the subject.
Bob Burg
***********************
A Step Parenting Rule: Generally, a woman can never love a man anymore than
her husband loves her children.
Kevin Leman
*************
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