Candidates for Friday Five

1. Funding opportunities: culture of health, fatherhood research





2. Americans think more than half of vets have mental problems, survey says

Patricia Kime, Military Times





3. New AF violence prevention specialists training begins

Staff Sgt. Daniel Phelp





4. Primary Health Care: Potential Home for Family-Focused Preventive Interventions












6. Rural poverty: 'A way of life' for numerous Oklahomans

MICHAEL OVERALL





7. State ends Marriage Initiative as part of budget cuts





8. Bowen named dean of UNC-Chapel Hill School of Social Work





9. It’s Not Just About Consent

GRACY OLMSTEAD




10. Teaching kids empathy: In Danish schools, it’s … well, it’s a piece of cake





Thanks Alysse.



Fwd: REMINDER - A Special Documentary Screening of, No Greater Love


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: John Hilboldt <mailingsls@heritage.org>
Date: Wed, Aug 10, 2016 at 2:45 PM
Subject: REMINDER - A Special Documentary Screening of, No Greater Love
To: billcoffin68@gmail.com


Heritage Lectures and Seminars
Co-hosted by GI Film Festival

No Greater Love.jpgA Special Documentary Screening of


No Greater Love



Chaplain Justin David Roberts served 6 years active duty as an Army Chaplain. Before he left the Army in 2015 he found that beneath the collar of ministry he was struggling with depression and PTSD. Wondering what kind of father he would be if he did not face his issues, he set out on a journey to meet up with members of his old unit. Along the way, they recall their tour of duty. In total, 17 soldiers were killed in action (KIA) and over 200 were wounded during the deployment. Almost all of the men were who died were killed while either trying to save someone or protect others. The common thread in every one of these stories of valor is love.

No Greater Love layers the footage Roberts shot while on missions in Afghanistan, with heartfelt interviews of the men he served with, as well as surviving family members. Through telling these stories, the soldiers that deployed with the legendary No Slack battalion are finding healing and purpose after combat.

Join the GI Film Festival for the kick-off monthly re-wind screening event to see No Greater Love, winner of the 2016 Military Filmmaker Award.

A trailer can be viewed online at, .

Hosted by
James Jay Carafano, Ph.D.
Vice President, Kathryn and Shelby Cullom Davis Institute for National Security and
Foreign Policy, and the E. W. Richardson Fellow, The Heritage Foundation

Thursday, August 11, 2016 at 5:30 p.m.

~ 5:30 p.m. Reception ~ 6:00 p.m. Screening ~

The Heritage Foundation’s Allison Auditorium

RSVP_button.jpg

RSVP online, or call (202) 675-1752 
Terms and conditions of attendance are posted at www.heritage.org/events/terms 
All events may be viewed live at heritage.org 
News media inquiries, call (202) 675-1761

The Heritage Foundation

214 Massachusetts Avenue, NE | Washington, D.C. 20002 | (800) 546-2843

You are subscribed to Heritage Foundation e-mails as billcoffin68@gmail.com. If you want to change your e-mail preferences, please click here to update your subscription.

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Fwd: Children Are Hurt by Marriage Failure - Ethics & Religion Col.


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Michael McManus <mike@marriagesavers.org>
Date: Wed, Aug 10, 2016 at 1:05 PM
Subject: Children Are Hurt by Marriage Failure - Ethics & Religion Col. #1,824
To: Bill Coffin <BillCoffin68@gmail.com>


Ethics & Religion

August 10, 2016

Column #1,824

Children Are Hurt by Marriage Failure

By Mike McManus

 

            We all know that half of America’s marriages fail – and have for decades.  What’s less well known is that America’s marriage rate has plunged in half and unwed births soared 8-fold.

 

            Who is most wounded by divorce and non-marriage? Children - innocent victims of their parents’ selfishness.   Only 46% of American kids are being raised by their married parents, reports Patrick Fagan of the Marriage and Religion Research Institute (MARRI).

 

More than half of America’s kids are hurt and confused by their own parents! They give children the one event that is disastrously life-changing.

 

            This is not news.  According to an eight decade study begun in 1921 by Dr. Lewis Terman, children of divorced parents are 44% more apt to die early, a lifespan shortened by an average of 4.5 years.

 

            Terman said parental divorce – not parental death – is the risk. “In fact, parental divorce during childhood was the single strongest social predictor of early death, many years into the future.”

 

For example, children of divorce are more likely to contract cancer of the digestive tract, pancreas, lungs and cervix – than children reared by their married parents. 

 

In addition, children from divorced families have more emotional and behavioral problems, negative feelings and less psychological well-being than those from intact families. Upon the divorce of their parents, children experience a wide range of emotional reactions such as sadness, anger, loneliness and depression (which frequently lasts into adulthood), heightened anxiety, worry, lower life satisfaction, lower self-esteem and self-confidence.

 

David Popenoe of the National Survey of Children reports that parental divorce sparks such mental health problems in their children as depression, withdrawal from friends and family, aggressive, impulsive or hyperactive behavior.  They either behave disruptively or withdraw from participation in the classroom.  They may also develop mood disorders, bipolar/disorder, mild chronic depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.

 

When children experience parental divorce before age five, they are particularly vulnerable to emotional conflicts when their parents separate, reports MARRI’s Fagan.  They will frequently cling to their parents and “regress” to bedwetting and other behaviors more characteristic of younger children.

 

Older children, rather than clinging, frequently withdraw from home life and seek intimacy elsewhere. If the divorce occurs while the children ate teenagers, they tend to react in one of two ways.  Either they attempt to avoid growing up or to “speed through” adolescence. Early sexual activity, substance abuse or dependence, hostile behavior and depression are all more likely to occur after divorce.

 

One tragic result is the soaring percentage of children born to unmarried parents. The U.S. unwed birth rate was only 5% in 1960, but jumped 8-fold to 40%. That figure is 20 times the 2% unwed birth rate of Japan!

 

America’s high unwed birth and divorce rate is having a devastating impact on the academic achievement of our kids.  For example, Japanese children academically outperform U.S. kids.  Compared to children from 31 countries on international math tests, U.S. kids scored at the bottom, 31st vs. 8th for Japan.  Japanese kids were #3 in science vs. #24 for U.S.  In reading, Japanese kids were third best, and Americans, 21st.  Other Asian countries, with low unwed birth rates and divorces all scored as good as or better than Japan. 

 

U.S. children of divorce and non-marriage are three times more likely to be expelled from school or to have a child as a teenager as are children from intact homes, are five times more apt to live in poverty, six times more likely to commit suicide and twelve times more likely to be incarcerated, reports a Heritage study by Patrick Fagan and Robert Rector.

 

However, statistics blur the eyes.  Behind them are kids who are vulnerable and confused.

 

These tragic results should prompt America’s pastors to make a new commitment to strengthening marriage.  Marriages have plunged 57% since 1970.  There were actually more marriages in 1970 than in 2015!  If the same percentage of couples were marrying now as in 1970 – there’d be 1.3 million more marriages a year! Never-married Americans nearly quintupled from 8.7 million to 41.3 million.

 

These trends are not healthy for adults.  Divorced men live 10 years less than married men, and divorced women, four years less. More importantly, non-marriage or divorce is devastating to America’s children.

 

How can marriage be re-established?  The nation’s pastors, priests and rabbis should take on promoting of marriage as a high priority. America’s faith leaders care about marriage, but have sat on the sidelines as God’s first institution has deteriorated. 

 

It’s time for pastors to pastor.

Copyright © 2016 Michael J. McManus, President of Marriage Savers and a syndicated columnist. For past columns, go to www.ethicsandreligion.com. Hit Search for any topic.

 

 

****************************************

Mike McManus is President of Marriage Savers

and a syndicated columnist, writing Ethics & Religion weekly

mike@marriagesavers.org

9311 Harrington Dr.

Potomac, MD 20854

 

301-978-7105

 

Fwd: August Newsletter: The Feast of St. Ignatius, Experiencing the Exercises, and more


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: The Jesuit Collaborative <collaborative@jesuitcollaborative.org>
Date: Mon, Aug 8, 2016 at 11:52 AM
Subject: August Newsletter: The Feast of St. Ignatius, Experiencing the Exercises, and more
To: billcoffin68@gmail.com


Having trouble viewing this email? Click here
Your August Newsletter from The Jesuit Collaborative
August 2016 Newsletter
The Feast of St. Ignatius Loyola


Sunday, July 31, was the feast of St. Ignatius Loyola. To celebrate, several of us wrote reflections on the life of St. Ignatius, our experiences with the Spiritual Exercises, and the inspiration we have received from this inspiring saint. If you missed those reflections, check them out here:



Experience the "Ignatian Spiritual Exercises in Everyday Life" in Baltimore

We are now accepting applications for the "Ignatian Spiritual Exercises in Everyday Life" starting this fall.

The retreat is based on the 19th Annotation of St. Ignatius Loyola's Spiritual Exercises. We will be offering the retreat in Baltimore, co-sponsored by The Jesuit Collaborative and Loyola University Maryland's Office of Mission Integration, from September 2016 to April 2017.

For more details and to apply, click here.

Questions? Contact Kevin O'Brien, Director of Ignatian Partners, at kobrien@jesuitcollaborative.org.


CLA Wants to Hear from You

As we continue to develop our programming and expand into new cities, we want to hear from you. Help us ensure that you are getting the information you want from us in a way that is convenient for you. Please take two minutes to fill out this brief survey!

Opportunity to Serve:

CLA Is Looking for Volunteers


Contemplative Leaders in Action (CLA) is looking for volunteers who can help us build a program that forms young adults committed to Ignatian spirituality, leadership, and service to others. We are looking for volunteers in all the cities we serve: Altlanta, Baltimore, Boston, Buffalo, New York, Philadelphia, St. Louis, and Washington, DC. If you are interested, contact Seán Sanford, Director of CLA, at spsanford@jesuits.org.

LAST CHANCE to apply for the new CLA cohorts forming in Boston, New York and Philadelphia. If you or someone you know is interested in applying, click one of the links below.

Upcoming Programs and Other News from TJC:
 

From Our Partners:

St. Raphael the Archangel Catholic Church, a vibrant, multi-cultural, multi-generational parish of 3800 families, including a dynamic pre-school and K-8 school, is seeking a full time coordinator of youth ministry. The parish is located in Raleigh, North Carolina. Click here for more information.
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En Español     CLA
The Jesuit Collaborative, 300 Newbury Street, Boston, MA 02115
Sent by collaborative@jesuitcollaborative.org in collaboration with
Constant Contact

Candidates for Friday Five

1. Parental supervision and risky behaviour of teenagers in the U.S.





2. Adolescent Depression in Girls Offset by Presence of 'Boomerang Fathers'

Marisa Ramirez





3. What People Say About the Virtual Hope Box App




4. Engaging Parents in Developing Positive Parenting Behaviors





5. Triple P: Why This Parenting Program Can Lower Your Parenting Stress






6. What leads to divorce? Study suggests man's job, not household chores











8. The benefits to marriage are more than you would think






9. IRS Increases 'Marriage Penalty,' Unmarried Cohabitants To Get Twice The Mortgage Interest Deduction
Tony Nitti ​





10. Serving and Engaging Males and Young Fathers






Thanks Alysee



Bill

​from OBX​

Fwd: Weekly Update of UK Marriage News - No 16.31


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Dave and Liz Percival <dave@2-in-2-1.co.uk>
Date: Mon, Aug 1, 2016 at 9:35 AM
Subject: Weekly Update of UK Marriage News - No 16.31
To: "info@2-in-2-1.co.uk" <info@2-in-2-1.co.uk>


Welcome to this week’s UK Marriage News

 

Headlines

·         Better Mental Health For All

·         Study finds couples' division of paid, unpaid labour linked to risk of divorce

·         For a Sweet Pea

 

Government and Political

·         Better Mental Health For All

This report from the Faculty of Public Health and Mental Health Foundation focuses on what can be done individually and collectively to enhance the mental health of individuals, families and communities by using a public health approach says OnePlusOne.

 

Public mental health is fundamental to public health in general because mental health is a determinant and consequence of physical health as well as a resource for living. A public mental health approach is concerned with promoting mental wellbeing, preventing future mental health problems and with recovery from mental health problems. The Faculty of Public Health has published this resource to encourage a proportionate universal approach with a focus on the promotion of mental wellbeing and on high level support for those at risk of poor mental health and mental health problems.

 

The report acknowledges how supportive policy is emerging across the UK, but the full potential for public mental health is yet to be addressed. Provision on the ground of interventions and services that support public mental health has been badly affected by austerity measures. The economic and social costs of mental health problems are very high. The report also outlines a list of key actions that all professionals working in public health and beyond can take to promote mental wellbeing and prevent mental health problems.

 

Research and Public Opinion

·         Study finds couples' division of paid, unpaid labour linked to risk of divorce

A new study suggests that financial factors, including couples' overall resources and wives' ability to support themselves in the event of a divorce, are not predictive of whether marriages last. Rather, it is couples' division of labour -- paid and unpaid -- that is associated with the risk of divorce reports Science Daily.

 

"My results suggest that, in general, financial factors do not determine whether couples stay together or separate," said study author Alexandra Killewald, a professor of sociology at Harvard University. "Instead, couples' paid and unpaid work matters for the risk of divorce, even after adjusting for how work is related to financial resources."

 

Titled, "Money, Work, and Marital Stability: Assessing Change in the Gendered Determinants of Divorce," the study uses nationally representative data on more than 6,300 different-sex couples, both spouses age 18 to 55, from the Panel Study of Income Dynamics (PSID) to examine what effect, if any, couples' division of labour, their overall financial resources, and wives' economic prospects following divorce have on marital stability.

 

As part of her study, which appears in the August issue of the American Sociological Review, Killewald compared couples married in 1974 or earlier with couples married in 1975 or later to explore whether the effects, or lack thereof, of these factors changed over time. Killewald found that, in both the old and new cohorts, financial factors did not play a role in divorce. On the other hand, while the division of labour did affect marital outcomes in both cohorts, there was some variation in terms of what division of labour was better for marriage stability.

 

For couples married before 1975, the higher the percentage of housework a woman did, the less likely her marriage was to end in divorce. For the more recent cohort, however, that was no longer the case. "For couples married more recently, expectations for the division of housework between spouses appear to have changed, so that men are expected to contribute at least somewhat to household labour," said Killewald, who noted that, even in the more recent marriage cohort, wives do more than 70 percent of the housework, on average. "In general, men seem to be contributing a little more than they used to, and these contributions may now be expected and appreciated by wives."

 

Killewald found that, for couples married after 1974, neither wives' full-time employment nor sharing the housework more evenly was associated with the risk of divorce. In this cohort, husbands' full-time employment was an important factor in marital stability, with the risk of divorce higher for men who were not employed full-time.

 

"For contemporary couples, wives can combine paid and unpaid labour in various ways without threatening the stability of their marriage," according to Killewald, who said that while the gender revolution and the feminist movement have allowed women to take on traditionally male-dominated roles and responsibilities, men's roles and responsibilities have not expanded or diversified proportionately.

 

"While contemporary wives need not embrace the traditional female homemaker role to stay married, contemporary husbands face higher risk of divorce when they do not fulfil the stereotypical breadwinner role, by being employed full-time," Killewald said.

 

Regarding financial factors, by finding that couples' overall resources and wives' economic prospects following divorce did not determine whether marriages lasted, Killewald's study dispels the theory that attributes the spike in divorce rates to women's increased financial independence. "The fact that divorce rates rose during the second half of the 20th century at the same time when women were moving into the labour force has prompted some speculation that marital stability has declined because women no longer 'need' to be married for financial security," Killewald said. "For some, this implies that women's entry into the work force has come at the expense of stable marriages. My results do not suggest any trade-off of that kind."

 

Though changing gender roles have afforded women greater flexibility in terms of labour without jeopardizing their marriages, the study indicates that men have not been granted similar freedom. "Often when scholars or the media talk about work-family policies or work-family balance, they focus mostly on the experiences of women," Killewald said. "Although much of the responsibility for negotiating that balance falls to women, my results suggest one way that expectations about gender and family roles and responsibilities affect men's lives, too: men who aren't able to sustain full-time work face heightened risk of divorce."

 

In terms of the study's policy implications, Killewald said her research may help guide policymakers who are considering the societal impact of policies that provide financial support to unmarried women. "Because I do not find that couples are more likely to divorce when women are better able to sustain themselves financially in the event of a divorce, public financial support -- to divorced women and other groups -- such as the earned income tax credit (EITC) or the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), is unlikely to heighten divorce rates," Killewald said.

 

·         Want a Stressful—but Joyful—Life? Have Children!

With national fertility rates languishing below replacement levels in recent years, Americans might well conclude that many adults now view children as a burden, not a blessing says WCF. Such a negative view of children finds both confirmation and refutation in a study recently conducted by scholars at Princeton and Stony Brook Universities. Although this study shows that living with children exposes adults to stresses not felt by peers living without children, it also shows that adults living with children experience decidedly more joy than do peers living without them.

 

The authors of the new study parse Gallup survey data collected from 1.77 million adults between 2008 and 2012, focusing largely on "the subsample of adults aged from 34 to 46, more than 90% of whom are the parents of the children who live with them." These surveys incorporate both a life-evaluation metric and measures of day-to-day "hedonic experience" (that, is pleasurable experience). Using a wide range of indices to compare the well-being of adults ages 34 to 46 with children with that of peers without children, the researchers conclude that "generally, and with the exception of stress, all outcomes are more favourable (higher levels of positive outcomes, and lower levels of negative outcomes) when there are children in the household." Given the data they have on relative household income, the researchers further conclude that having children in the home is associated with "substantial positive effects on life evaluation, on reducing sadness, worry, anger, and physical pain, and very large effects on happiness, enjoyment, and smiling."

 

·         Even thinking about marriage gets young people to straighten up

You don’t have to get married to settle down and leave behind your wild ways – you just have to expect to get married soon says Ohio State University. Researchers found that teenagers and young adults who expected to get married within the next five years reported committing fewer delinquent acts in the next year than those who weren’t thinking about wedding bells.

 

While other studies have shown that people commit fewer crimes when they get married, this is the first to show that people straighten up their act even before they tie the knot. “You may start to act married even before the wedding,” said Rachel Arocho, lead author of the study and a research fellow in human development and family science at The Ohio State University.

 

The results show the importance of marriage in today’s society, even though many Americans are delaying the relationship milestone until they’re older. “This is a reminder that marriage still matters,” said Claire Kamp Dush, co-author and professor of human sciences at Ohio State. “Just the expectation of marriage may be enough to change some people’s behaviour.”

 

The study appears online in the Journal of Marriage and Family and will be published in a future print edition. The researchers used data from the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth 1997. This study included 7,057 people who were 15 to 20 years old when the data for this study was collected in 2000 and 2001. The NLSY97 is conducted by Ohio State’s Center for Human Resource Research for the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics.

 

The participants were asked in 2000 and 2001 to estimate the percent chance that they would be married in five years. They were also asked whether they had committed certain delinquent acts – including property theft, personal assault, drug dealing and property destruction – since the last time they were interviewed for the study.

 

On average, participants in 2000 thought there was a 43 percent chance they would be married within five years, increasing to 48 percent in 2001.

 

In 2000, there were 1,492 young people in the study who reported any delinquent acts and they averaged 1.74 such acts in total. In 2001, participants reported slightly fewer delinquent acts, with 1,273 reporting an average of 1.62 incidents of misconduct.

 

The key finding was that young people with higher marital expectations in 2000 had lower levels of delinquent activity in 2001. Somewhat surprisingly, the researchers did not find a link in the opposite direction: Delinquent activity did not seem to be strongly associated with later marital expectations. “It seems that young people think of marital expectations independently of their current participation in delinquency or crime,” Kamp Dush said.

 

There are good reasons why people who expect to marry may be avoiding a life of delinquency, Arocho said. They probably feel they have to watch their behaviour to gain social acceptance and be seen as “marriage material,” she said. Plus, people with a job, good income and education all have a better opportunity to get married – and delinquency stands in the way of achieving these goals. “If you’re thinking of getting married soon, you may do things differently and you act more like an adult,” Arocho said.

 

·         15 relationship facts everybody should know before getting married

OK – it’s the quiet season so we decided to include this from Business Insider!

 

You can drive yourself crazy deciding whether to marry your partner. Can you two really survive a lifetime together? I mean, you adore them — but they constantly leave hair in the shower. They tell the worst jokes — but they're always there to comfort you after a hard day.

 

Perhaps it would help to turn to the scientific research, which has pinpointed specific factors that can make or break a romantic relationship. Below, we've rounded up 15 nontrivial things you might want to keep in mind before hiring a wedding planner.

 

If you wait until you're 23 to commit, you're less likely to get divorced.

A 2014 University of North Carolina at Greensboro study found that American women who cohabitate or get married at age 18 have a 60% divorce rate, but women who wait until 23 to make either of those commitments have a divorce rate around 30%. "The longer couples waited to make that first serious commitment [cohabitation or marriage], the better their chances for marital success," The Atlantic reported.

 

The 'in love' phase lasts about a year.

The honeymoon phase doesn't go on forever. According to a 2005 study by the University of Pavia in Italy, it lasts about a year. After that, levels of a chemical called "nerve growth factor," which is associated with intense romantic feelings, start to fall.

 

Helen Fisher, a psychologist and relationship expert, told Business Insider that it's unclear when exactly the "in love" feeling starts to fade, but it does so "for good evolutionary reasons," she said, because "it's very metabolically expensive to spend an awful lot of time just focusing on just one person in that high-anxiety state."

 

Two people can be compatible — or incompatible — on multiple levels.

Back in the 1950s and '60s, Canadian psychologist Eric Berne introduced a three-tiered model for understanding a person's identity. He found that each of us have three "ego states" operating at once:

·         The parent: What you've been taught

·         The child: What you have felt

·         The adult: What you have learned

 

When you're in a relationship, you relate on each of those levels:

·         The parent: Do you have similar values and beliefs about the world?

·         The child: Do you have fun together? Can you be spontaneous? Do you think your partner's hot? Do you like to travel together?

·         The adult: Does each person think the other is bright? Are you good at solving problems together?

 

While having symmetry across all three is ideal, people often get together to "balance each other." For instance, one may be nurturing and the other playful.

 

The happiest marriages are between best friends.

A 2014 National Bureau of Economic Research study found that marriage does indeed lead to increased well-being, mainly thanks to friendship. Controlling for premarital happiness, the study concluded that marriage leads to increased well-being — and it does so much more for those who have a close friendship with their spouses. Friendship, the paper found, is a key mechanism that could help explain the causal relationship between marriage and life satisfaction. The closer a couple are in age, the less likely they are to get divorced.

 

A study of 3,000 Americans who had ever been married found that age discrepancies correlate with friction in marriages.

 

The Atlantic's Megan Garber reports: "A one-year discrepancy in a couple's ages, the study found, makes them 3 percent more likely to divorce (when compared to their same-aged counterparts); a 5-year difference, however, makes them 18 percent more likely to split up. And a 10-year difference makes them 39 percent more likely."

 

If you get excited for your partner's good news, you'll have a better relationship.

In multiple studies, couples that actively celebrated good news (rather than actively or passively dismissed it) have had a higher rate of relationship well-being. For example, say a wife comes home to her partner and shares an accomplishment. An "active-constructive" response would be the best, according to Amie Gordon, a social psychologist at the University of California at Berkeley:

·         An active-constructive response from the partner would be enthusiastic support: "That's great, honey! I knew you could do it. You've been working so hard."

·         A passive-constructive response would be understated support: a warm smile and a simple "that's good news."

·         An active-destructive response would be a statement that demeaned the event: "Does this mean you are going to be gone working even longer hours now? Are you sure you can handle it?"

·         Finally, a passive-destructive response would virtually ignore the good news: "Oh, really? Well, you won't believe what happened to me on the drive home today!"

 

Resentment builds quickly in couples who don't tackle chores together.

Over 60% of Americans in one poll said that taking care of chores plays a crucial role in having a successful marriage. "It's Not You, It's the Dishes" co-author Paula Szuchman recommends a system where each person specializes in the chores they're best at.

 

"If you really are better at the dishes than remembering to call the in-laws, then that should be your job," she writes. "It'll take you less time than it'll take him, and it'll take him less time to have a quick chat with mom than it would take you, which means in the end, you've saved quite a bit of collective time."

 

We have higher standards for marriage than ever before.

Northwestern psychologist Eli Finkel has found that marriage in America has gone through three stages:

·         Institutional marriage (from the nation's founding until 1850)

·         Companionate marriage (from 1851 to 1965)

·         Self-expressive marriage (from 1965 onward)

 

Before 1850, couples got hitched for the sake of food, shelter, and protection. Then with the Industrial Revolution people had more leisure time, Finkel says, so we started looking for companionship in our partners. The '60s brought a yearning for personal fulfilment through relationships, which we continue to strive for today.

 

You'll never get to know your partner perfectly.

After dating someone for a couple of years, you might feel like you know everything about them: what kind of toothpaste they use, which TV series they guiltily binge-watch, which foods nauseate them. But you probably don't know them quite as well as you think you do.

 

According to a 1997 study, couples who had been together longer expressed more confidence in how well they knew each other. But as it turns out, relationship length wasn't related to accuracy. Even when participants had to guess how their partners would rate themselves on intelligence, athleticism, and attractiveness, they were only right about 30% of the time.

 

If you're moving in to 'test' the relationship, you're probably not so confident in it.

A 2009 study led by researchers at the University of Denver found that most couples moved in for other reasons besides test-driving their relationship before marriage.

 

But couples who did report testing the relationship were more likely to experience a number of negative emotions. For example, among testers, men scored higher on measures of depression and anxiety, and women scored higher on measures of abandonment anxiety. Both groups were less confident in the relationship.

 

In a recent Psychology Today column, one of the study's authors explains what these findings might mean: "It seems to us that many people who think about testing their relationship by cohabiting already know, on some level, what the grade of that test may be; they are hoping that the answer looks better over time."

 

If you're economically dependent on your spouse, you're more likely to cheat on them.

Contrary to popular belief, cheating isn't necessarily more common among high-earning couples. The link between income and infidelity is more nuanced than that. Recent research from the University of Connecticut suggests that a person who is economically dependent on their spouse is more likely to be unfaithful — and that's especially true for a man who relies financially on a woman. Interestingly, when women are the breadwinners, they're less likely to cheat. When men are the breadwinners, they're more likely to cheat.

 

We think everyone except our own partner is cheating.

You can't trust anyone — except your boo, right? A 2015 University of Calgary study found that heterosexual undergrads think the average member of the opposite sex has about a 40% chance of cheating on their partner. But those same participants said their own partner had only a 5% chance of cheating. The rate at which participants said they'd ever really cheated on their partner? 9%.

Couples who appreciate each other are more likely to stay together.

 

Gratitude may be a key to lasting relationships.

In one University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill study, researchers had participants keep private daily diaries in which they recorded things their partner had done for them and how it had made them feel. As it turns out, couples who were more grateful toward each other felt that the relationship was stronger. Meanwhile, another series of studies, led by a researcher at the University of California, Berkeley, found that more grateful couples were more likely to still be together nine months later.

 

Eventually you realize that you're not one person.

Once you start living together, you may realize that you have different priorities and tolerances — like, for instance, what does or doesn't constitute a mess. "People have to come to terms with the reality that 'we really are different people,'" says Ellyn Bader, a couples therapist. "'You are different from who I thought you were or wanted you to be. We have different ideas, different feelings, different interests.'"

 

It's a stressful — and necessary — evolution.

When it comes to sex, quality is more important than quantity. Business Insider's Jessica Orwig reported on a fascinating Carnegie Mellon study on the link between how often you have sex with your partner and how happy you are. Researchers split a bunch of heterosexual, married couples into two groups: For 90 days, half continued with their normal sex schedule and half had sex twice as often. When the researchers measured how each group felt at the end of the experiment, the group that had doubled their sex frequency was in fact slightly less happy. As the lead researcher behind the study told The New York Times, if you want to be happy, focus on quality over quantity.

 

·         Divorce continues to take a psychological toll on kids

Divorce rates are down, with marriages becoming more enduring in the last decade. But are we getting any better at managing the effect on children, asks the Guardian?

 

In the early 1920s, a list of exceptionally bright children was assembled for a study about growing up as a genius. These individuals became known to psychologists, affectionately, as the “termites”, after the Stanford researcher – Professor Frederick Terman – who began the study. The termites completed many surveys over their lifetimes, and the vast majority of the group have now died.

 

Their death certificates reveal that those whose parents divorced before their 21st birthday lived four years fewer than those whose parents stayed together until at least that point. Male termites typically lived to 76 as opposed to 80; female termites made it to about 82, instead of 86.

 

Although this group was a bit different to the rest of us – they each scored a minimum of 135 in high school IQ tests – brains and possible dweebish tendencies don’t appear to have exacerbated the impact of parental divorce. Overall, the termites handled life no better or worse than the US population as a whole. They committed suicide, developed alcoholism and themselves got divorced at the national rates.

So if parental divorce reduced longevity among the termites, it suggested worrying things about how divorce might affect all kids in the long run. The research subjects’ early deaths were pinned on higher rates of smoking, perhaps indicating a greater lifelong psychological stress following parental divorce.

 

But is this finding relevant today? After all, the termites experienced their parents splitting up during a period when divorce was much less common and much more stigmatized than it is now. Moreover, since that time, the reasons for divorce and the profile of couples most likely to divorce have changed in all manner of ways. So it seems reasonable to expect that whatever may have led these termites to feel stress more intensely than the other termites is no longer part and parcel of watching your parents split.

 

Researchers have a lot of disagreements about divorce trends. Most agree that divorce is less common today due to a rise in the age at which people first marry. But some experts believe that divorce rates in the US reached a peak among couples who married in the 1970s, and ever since the 1980s marriages have been more enduring. Other researchers, working with a different set of surveys, counter that the drop-off in divorce in recent decades has been overstated. In their view, divorce seems to have declined among younger couples, but it doubled in the two decades before 2008 among people over 35.

 

Divorce used to be the preserve of the upper classes. But as it has become legally less onerous, and its financial and social costs have been reduced, lower class couples have composed an ever greater share of divorcees.

 

Similarly, a highly educated wife used to be linked to greater odds of divorce, but that pattern has at least weakened in European countries taken together, and reversed in the most developed ones. In the US, too, women with a college degree are today far less likely to divorce than women who haven’t surpassed a high school degree. College educated women are also happier in their marriages and with their family life.

 

But what do these patterns have to do with how much divorce affects kids later in life? To answer that question requires comparing divorce trends to divorcees’ kids’ outcomes over time – outcomes that can reveal their levels of stress and how they have responded to stress as they have matured.

 

Various studies attempt this, but none over as long a period as an analysis of Swedish children. Astonishingly, Swedish records allow for comparison of people born more than a century apart, since face-to-face interviews using the same set of questions have been posed to Swedes born from 1892 onwards. Interviewees have been asked about their living arrangements growing up, about the extent of parental discord that they recall, and all about their mental health issues into adulthood, from insomnia to depression.

 

Many divorce trends over the 20th century suggest that children, on average, should have experienced noticeably less distress over time from their parents’ marriage ending. As divorce has become more common, it has become more socially acceptable. Female employment has risen and the welfare state has grown, meaning that single mothers are comparatively more able to provide for their offspring today than in the past. Custody arrangements have also changed, and children whose parents divorced in recent years are more likely than ever to maintain relationships with both parents.

 

But shockingly, divorcees’ kids in Sweden have seen no improvements in their relative educational attainment and psychological wellbeing. To this day, they are worse off by these measures than kids whose parents stay together. (And Sweden is, of course, a country with a far more generous welfare state and more liberal attitudes than most.)

 

The ongoing gap in educational performance appears to be due to families of a lower economic class becoming more prone to splitting up over the decades. Kids born into lower income families have always tended to do worse at school, so that trend isn’t due to divorce per se.

 

But the stubbornly lower psychological wellbeing of Swedish divorcees’ kids can’t be pinned entirely on income. Socioeconomics may explain part of it, but, instead, lots of family arguments appear to leave long term traces.

 

In short, the impacts of parental divorce are often subtle and long lasting. From the Stanford geniuses to Swedes born in the 1990s, the evidence suggests that kids whose parents have or are about to split up need more support than we realize.

 

Partner News

·         OnePlusOne Research and Policy Digest – July 2016

More reading for your summer holiday!! OnePlusOne’s monthly roundup of the key research and policy news to emerge from the field of relationships, including the latest journal articles of interest to family and relationships practitioners and researchers.

 

Forthcoming conferences and events

·         Forthcoming conferences

Details of all forthcoming conferences can always be found under our listing at 2-in-2-1

 

Consultations and Campaigns

Below is our running list of current and recent consultations and campaigns. New items or those requiring action are highlighted. The Reference numbers are to the newsletter where we covered the subject.

 

Soap Box!!

·         For a Sweet Pea

Sometimes inspiration comes from the most unlikely things or places! This week it was the state of a climbing plant in a rather neglected garden! Let me explain.

 

Some plants, things like Clematis, Honeysuckle or even Sweet Peas, thrive when they have some structure on which they can hang. The sad plant in the garden had none, and so its various tendrils ran out from the roots seeking support – it was a tangled mess when we found it! Seeing the problem we added a couple of good stakes and tied them to a nearby fence. Over the next couple of weeks the plant suddenly thrived – it climbed the stakes and attached itself to the fence and is now growing strongly – given time I’m certain it will be full of blooms too.

 

So what has this to do with marriage or families?? Well I think there are some really useful models or frameworks for thought to be found in what a plant like a Sweet Pea needs to thrive (well, she is Mrs P after all!!).

 

The first is structure. In our relationship there are all sorts of structures. Perhaps most obviously there is some form of home – without a safe place in which to feed and sleep sustaining a relationship, or a family, is incredibly hard. But there are other less obvious structures too. There is the wider family – knowing how I relate to the different generations, cousins, etc help give a sense of identity and rootedness – a sense of belonging. Then there are the structures of shared ritual and rules – the “way we do Christmas”, the boundaries of what is acceptable or unacceptable behaviour – all these provide a framework in which individuals be they spouse or children can thrive. Without them we become directionless – our lives ramble.

 

Of course plants need other things to grow – notably a source of nutrition and water. Again in many ways there are parallels in our marriages and families. As parents we have the responsibility to help our youngsters develop intellectually, emotionally and physically. To do so we work with our schools to educate and stimulate learning. Our behaviour as a couple has huge impact on the emotional development from the earliest stages of attachment through the years the kids spend watching us, and so absorbing lessons on how to argue, forgive and love each other. Physically too we feed our young, take them to the park, play, exercise and encourage as they grow. And these patterns are not just with the young – when I reflect on my commitment to Liz to enable her to be “the best Liz she can be” I can identify things I have done (or should have done L!) to encourage her growth too.

 

For a plant there is a third part to their flourishing too – they need sunlight and oxygen – not things a gardener can directly supply, but things which we can only enable. Perhaps in our relationship and families there are parallels here too.  Some may see in this area the needs for spiritual development, others perhaps the quest for beauty or other ideals that we can strive for, and yet find it so hard to define. The key is in cutting back the overhanging branches, the stifling weeds, to enable light and air to get in.

 

So this week I plan to spend some more time reflecting on my deepest personal commitment to my spouse (my sweet Mrs P), that commitment to her flourishing, and what I can learn from the humble Sweet Pea. I’ll be thinking about what I do which helps bring sturdy structure that enables the plant to grow and thrive, how I’m providing healthy nourishment in all its forms, and how I can create the space for the sunlight and air to get to the plant.

 

What are you doing for your Sweet Pea??

 

Celebrity, Human and Fun stuff

·         Bizarre floating 'prenup house' can be split in two if a marriage doesn't work out - letting spouses simply sail away

OK – the frustrated architect in me couldn’t resist this one from the Daily Mail!!

 

With divorce rates steadily increasing, some newlyweds are drawing up prenuptial agreements before tying the knot. But one firm has set out to help divorcees avoid a real estate battle with a new design that easily splits the home in two - and lets them sail away from each other.

 

Called Prenuptial Housing, this floating house consists of two independent structures that separate if the couple should split up, resulting in two equal units that can float away from each other.

 

The blueprints describe the structure as consisting of two independent prefabricated structures, which appear to be fused as one, that are easily split in two once the couple decides to pull the plug. Lightweight carbon fibre elements and a semi-transparent wooden layer are used for the outside of building – this not only enhances the unity of the two pieces, but helps the home adapt to other environments if they should split. There are also connecting mechanism that allows the pieces to detach and go their separate ways.

 

'The units are initially (pre)fabricated as independent carbon fibre units for which we designed a simple solid connecting system; detaching this system means unlocking the connection and requires no unique tools,' Xander den Duijn with Studio OBA, the design firm behind Prenuptial Housing, told DailyMail.com in an email. 'The units should (dis)connect without much effort. Though this is part of the design that is still under development.'

 

The idea for the 'break up' home was conceived by Omar Kbiri, co-founder of Maak, who had the revelation while looking for a new home with his girlfriend. 'With the increasing number of divorces each year, our concept is – regrettably – becoming more and more relevant,' said Kbiri, who is also a self-proclaimed PR and pop culture expert. 'I especially like the fact that we can stabilize the home front during an otherwise very hectic time.' 'With this concept you namely don't need to relocate after a break-up.'

 

Kbiri looked to the Dutch firm, Studio OBA, to help design the home that he hopes will capitalize on all the failed marriages and relationships.

 

The duo currently has their eyes set on countries in the EU that have the highest divorce rate, which include Portugal (68 percent), Belgium (71 percent) and Hungary (67 percent).

 

The blueprints of this floating home describe the home as consisting of two independent prefabricated structures, which appear to be fused as one, that are easily split in two once the couple decides to pull the plug. And the key to the entire design are the connecting mechanisms that detach the pieces and let them float away in separate directions. 'When couples feel they are drifting apart, the house initiates a 'break up', by detaching the two unites which then go solo on the water,' reads Studio OBA's website regarding Prenuptial Housing.

 

The design team pulled inspiration from the canals and floating structures in Amsterdam for their work and realized the easiest way to move away from a partner is to create a floating house, reports Domain.com. 'The challenge of the project was to design a house that consists of two autonomous units that appear to be one,' said Vincent Ringoir who runs Studio OBA with fellow Technical University of Delft students Xander den Duijn and Gerben van den Oever.

 

'Due to the way we designed it, the house responds to the flow of the relationship: when all is well, the house remains a unity. But when couples separate, the house – literally – drifts apart as well. 'The biggest challenge was to search for a geometrical shape that is easy to connect, looks like one house when connected, but remains aesthetic when it becomes separated.'

 

Kbiri is currently in discussions with several investors regarding funding for the design. And Studio OBA hopes to build the prototype in the near future and open orders by early 2017. 'In the next steps of engineering/designing we aim to come up with a as short as possible building process,' den Duijn told DailyMail.com.

 

The costs of the house completely depends. The house as it is on the images is still a concept. This means that the way the house eventually is going to look depends on the wishes/requirements of the client.'

 

 

 

Best wishes,

The 2-in-2-1 Team

 

Technical Stuff

 

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This Newsletter is published by 2-in-2-1 Ltd, Company No. 3792423   Registered office:- 11 Lamborne Close, Sandhurst, Berks, GU47 8JL, © 2016. All rights reserved.

 

 

Fwd: Happy Feast of St Ignatius!


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Date: Sun, Jul 31, 2016 at 9:59 AM
Subject: Happy Feast of St Ignatius!
To: billcoffin68@gmail.com


Immerse yourself in Ignatian spirituality today
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Happy Iggy Day!

I want to wish you a happy Feast of St Ignatius! It's amazing that the life of a fairly narcissistic man, which began 525 years ago, has changed the spiritual lives of millions. Ignatius has influenced our church, our education system, the way we pray, and helps make God concrete and practical in our everyday lives. Here are a few posts and resources on Ignatian spirituality from God In All Things that you may be interested in: Have a blessed Feast Day!

In the Spirit,

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Fwd: Your weekly long-read: The spiritual life of American teens


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Date: Thu, Jul 28, 2016 at 3:14 PM
Subject: Your weekly long-read: The spiritual life of American teens
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The spiritual life of American teenagers

Catholic teens are looking for quiet spaces to develop personal relationships with Jesus through prayer and contemplation.

When I think of my teen years, I mostly remember a dark road. When I turned 15 I got my license and, with a small sum of money my dad gave me after he sold my childhood home, I bought myself a real beater of a car that you could hear coming from blocks away. I didn't want to go home; my mother had died the year before, and my Dad had remarried and had a whole new family and a new house where I felt like a stranger. So I was always driving. Gas was less than a dollar a gallon then, and though I usually couldn't afford dinner, I could always scavenge enough pennies and nickels to get a few more miles.

Sometimes I'd pick up another kid I saw walking on the roadside. My hometown was like that then; I felt like I knew everyone. Even when I didn't, if they were of a certain age and dressed a certain way, I could bet I knew someone who knew them. I made a lot of new friends that way. My old friends-the friends I'd grown up with-were part of another universe, one from which I'd been expelled by personal tragedy. There was an awkwardness between us now, too many moments when none of us knew what to say. I needed friends like me, I thought. Friends who didn't have to be home for dinner.

It was on one of those long, aimless nights that I ended up in the chapel of St. Margaret Mary. Perpetual adoration was going on, but even though I'd been raised Catholic and had gone to Catholic school my whole life, I had no idea what Eucharistic adoration was. I don't think I even knew the Eucharist was there. But I liked that the chapel was quiet and candlelit and safe. It felt like home. It felt like my mom. I remember I signed my name in the little book at the back of the church and sat in a pew. The chapel was empty and dimly lit. The only noise was the air conditioning rattling on and off. The air smelled of spent matches.

Sitting in that chapel made me feel safe. It gave me a place to step outside of my life. And it set me on a lifelong journey toward faith and a relationship with God. 

When I started writing this story about the spirituality of teenagers, I wanted to see if kids today have experiences similar to mine. But the teens I talked to weren't traveling alone with no one waiting for them at home. They weren't necessarily troubled or "at risk." However, like me, they expressed a need for a place to be apart from their lives: an oasis, a time to step outside of themselves, their problems, their schedules, and their responsibilities. 

For many of these teenagers, time in church-especially time spent in adoration and silent prayer-was their chance to plug into another kind of experience altogether. Like me, they each responded positively to the opportunity to be quiet and alone with Jesus-together. In adoration, there is no pressure, no set prayer, no youth programs that pander to what they think young adults want. Just presence.

Check out what else is new on our website
Mary Undoer of Knots
Mary Undoer of Knots has come to serve as a touchstone in my daily life, assisting me whenever new knots arise.
Can we ever have a civil conversation about abortion?
Despite people's strong convictions, dialogue is possible--and necessary. 
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Candidates for Friday Five

1. DCoE Resource Catalog





2. Beyond an Apology 





3. The Top 10 Issues That Teenagers Struggle With: How Apps Provide Support And Help






4. Even thinking about marriage gets young people to straighten up














6. Study: Marriage May Improve Odds of Surviving a Heart Attack





7. Revalorizing Fathers as a Marriage Culture Prerequisite

Heather Mac Donald






8. Is Having Married Parents Important?











10. What Men In Senior Leadership Need To Realize About Paternal Leave

Jim Sandman




Thanks Alysee


Fwd: dotMagis - Ignatian Spirituality


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Date: Wed, Jul 27, 2016 at 10:48 AM
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dotMagis - Ignatian Spirituality


Finding God in the Soundtrack of Life

Posted: 27 Jul 2016 03:30 AM PDT

audio-soundtrack

I once read that the music we listen to becomes the soundtrack of our life. I just love that sentiment! As in a movie with a great soundtrack, music can transport us in time and evoke in us emotions we had thought were long gone. Have you ever noticed how certain songs bring you right back in time?

For me, “The Servant Song” is one of those songs. I remember singing this song in my high school choir, joining in the soulful rendition of our college folk choir, and raising this song with prayer-filled communities as we prepared to go out and serve Christ among us. Every time I hear this song, I am transported back to these times in which my heart was filled with a special awareness of the Holy Spirit at work—present and alive—in the unity and fruits of these communities rooted in Christ’s love.

This song doesn’t just bring me back in time though; it impels me forward too. Every time I hear it, I am reminded that the Christian call to serve is a personal and lifelong call. And it reminds me that those we are called to serve may not always be in a far-off country. It might also be that we are called to “hold the Christ light” that we sing of in this song for our best friend, child, or spouse—whomever is vulnerable at the time. Mother Teresa said, “Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time and always start with the person nearest you.”

When I hear “The Servant Song,” I remember too that the call to serve requires accompaniment. Serving is never a one-way street if we’re doing it right; it is a special privilege that requires a certain vulnerability on the part of both giver and receiver. Pope Francis reminds us almost daily not just of our call to serve, but also of the need to accompany those whom we serve:

The call to serve involves something special, to which we must be attentive. Serving others chiefly means caring for their vulnerability. Caring for the vulnerable of our families, our society, our people. Theirs are the suffering, fragile and downcast faces which Jesus tells us specifically to look at and which he asks us to love. With a love which takes shape in our actions and decisions. With a love which finds expression in whatever tasks we, as citizens, are called to perform. People of flesh and blood, people with individual lives and stories, and with all their frailty: these are those whom Jesus asks us to protect, to care for, to serve. Being a Christian entails promoting the dignity of our brothers and sisters, fighting for it, living for it. That is why Christians are constantly called to set aside their own wishes and desires, their pursuit of power, and to look instead to those who are most vulnerable. (Homily of Pope Francis in Havana, September 20, 2015)

In the soundtrack of my life, “The Servant Song” is a powerful reminder of God’s presence in my life and my response to God’s presence. What about you? Where do you find God in the soundtrack of your life? What songs in your soundtrack bring to mind those who have held the Christ light for you? What songs remind you of times when you held the Christ light out to others? Whom might you be called to hold the Christ light out to in the future?


We’re in the last week of 31 Days with St. Ignatius. Read today’s selection, In God’s Waiting Room by Loretta Pehanich.

The post Finding God in the Soundtrack of Life appeared first on Ignatian Spirituality.

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