Dangers of Cohabitation - Ethics & Religion Col. #1,632

December 5, 2012

Column #1,632

Dangers of Cohabitation

By Mike McManus

 

            When Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher murdered his girlfriend and then committed suicide, Bob Costas commented on Sunday Night Football, “If Jovan Belcher didn’t possess a gun, he and Kasandra Perkins would both be alive today.”

 

            True, but there is a more important lesson to be learned from this incident.  Cohabitation is dangerous to both adults and their children and should be avoided.

 

            Dr. James Dobson interviewed me for his Family Talk radio show on this issue recently because my wife and I wrote a book, Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers.

 

            One myth believed by women is that cohabitation is a step toward marriage. However, many men cohabit to AVOID marriage – living together “for convenience – available sex and shared expenses,” we write. 

 

            This can lead to conflict that becomes violent.  A University of New Hampshire study reports that “severe” violence is five times higher for cohabitants vs. married couples.

 

            The National Crime Victimization Survey of the Justice Department over 9 years reported that 65% of violent crimes against women were committed by a boyfriend or an ex-husband with only 9% caused by a husband.

 

Marriage is the safest place for women – and children. 

 

The danger actually increases when the cohabiting relationship ends. Women are 18 times more likely to be assaulted by their male cohabitant after breaking up than they would be by a spouse.

 

Cohabiting couples are as likely to have children as married couples, but children of unwed parents are at high risk.

 

A recent study by the Institute for American Values, “Why Marriage Matters,” reports that the rise of cohabitation “is the largest unrecognized threat to the quality and stability of children’s family lives.” A huge 42% of American children will live in a cohabiting household and “are markedly more likely to be physically, sexually and emotionally abused than children in both intact, married families and single parent families.” In fact, twice as many U.S. children will live with cohabiting parents as those children affected by a parental divorce (23%).    

 

While a child of divorce is 12 times more likely to be incarcerated than one from an intact family, a kid of cohabiting parents is 22 times more apt to be jailed.

 

            Of the 7.6 million cohabiting couples last year, only 1.5 million married.  The other 6.1 million experience what we call “premarital divorce.”  That is so painful, the number of never-married Americans tripled from 21 million in 1970 to 63 million last year.  Small wonder the marriage rate has plunged 54% in these years.

 

            What is driving up the cohabitation rate, and reducing marriages?  States subsidize couples to live together.  Subsidize an activity, and you will get more of it.

 

            Consider three facts.  First, 41% of all births in America are to unwed parents.  That is 20 times the 2% rate of Japan, and other Asian countries!  Second, the U.S. divorce rate is also twice as high.  So only 46% of American kids are reared by married parents.  No wonder U.S. kids score only 487 on math tests vs. 540-600 by Asian kids, who are in stable homes.

 

            Third, most unwed births are to cohabiting parents.  Yet government awards the unwed mother welfare, Medicaid, food stamps, housing subsidies, etc. – as if she were raising the child alone.  Yet most unwed moms enjoy the salary of their cohabiting partner as if married. 

 

            However, if the cohabiting couple does marry, they lose all those subsidies that Heritage Foundation estimated were worth $20,000 in 2004.  Therefore, few marry.

 

            Result: from 1990-2009, the marriage rate plunged 26% in Maine, 28% in Louisiana, 39% in Virginia, and an alarming 43% in Kentucky in only 19 years.

 

            There were 144,000 cohabiting couples in Virginia last year, but only 54,000 marriages.  Even though two-thirds of marrying couples were living together, three out of four cohabitating couples broke up short of marriage.  That leaves the mother and child on the dole till the kid turns age 18.

 

            What can be done?  It makes no fiscal sense to subsidize cohabitation nor is it in the interest of unwed parents or their children.

 

            Why doesn’t a governor make this statement in his State of the State Address: “In Virginia we believe in marriage. Therefore, I’d like to make an offer to cohabiting couples with children:  If you marry – which is in your best interest, and that of your child – Virginia will not cut such benefits as Medicaid for two years, and then taper them off over three years.”

 

            The marriage rate would rise as cohabitation and unwed births fall.

 

            States should stop subsidizing cohabiting couples.

  -------

Copyright © 2012 Michael J. McManus, President of Marriage Savers and a syndicated columnist.

 

 

My new email address is mike@marriagesavers.org

Michael J. McManus
syndicated columnist
"Ethics & Religion"
President & Co-Chair
Marriage Savers
9311 Harrington Dr.
Potomac, MD 20854
www.marriagesavers.org
301-469-5873

 

 

Announcement from Better Marriages

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Better Marriages <groups-noreply@linkedin.com>
Date: Tue, Dec 4, 2012 at 12:08 PM
Subject: Announcement from Better Marriages
To: Bill Coffin <billcoffin68@gmail.com>


LinkedIn Groups

  • Group: Better Marriages
  • Subject: Announcement from Better Marriages

So glad you're a member of the Linked In Group "Better Marriages". If you are in the relationship/marriage education business, I'd like to invite you to submit an application to present a workshop at the Better Marriages Conference July 11-14 in Raleigh, NC. Deadline is December 15. wwwBetterMarriages.org/Conference.
Posted By Priscilla Hunt

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This email was intended for Bill Coffin (Links and Clips has a new home http://www.scoop.it/t/healthy-marriage-links-and-clips). Learn why we included this. © 2012, LinkedIn Corporation. 2029 Stierlin Ct. Mountain View, CA 94043, USA
 

Monday Morning Marriage Lift!

 

From: MarriageVine Ministries [mailto:rick@marriagevine.ccsend.com] On Behalf Of MarriageVine Ministries
Sent: Monday, November 26, 2012 1:43 PM
To: billandpatcoffin@verizon.net
Subject: Monday Morning Marriage Lift!

 

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A FREE resource to help you grow your marriage!  

November 26, 2012

Greetings!

I want to personally welcome you to our brand new email ministry!  You are receiving this email because you have received our DailyFocus in the past. Thank you for participating with us in the past, and I hope you will find this new format to be equally beneficial to keeping your marriage ever growing.  

Our new email format will come once a week, every Monday morning.  Thus, we are calling it the Monday Morning Marriage Lift.  We will continue to feature content from your favorite marriage authors like Dr. Gary Chapman.  As well, we will be bringing you insights and exercises for your marriage that we hope will help you keep learning and growing.  

 

Again, thank you for participating in receiving our weekly email.  Our passion to help grow healthy marriages continues to be our goal.  It is our privilege to join with you in the efforts to grow your own marriage and reach those in need around you.   

Before You Touch Her Body

by C.J. Mahaney

 

Growing up, I hated school and studying. Well, I hated most studying. But I loved two local sports teams: the University of Maryland Terps - specifically, the basketball team - and my beloved Washington Redskins. Somehow I acquired an impressive body of knowledge about these teams, even as I continued to get lousy grades in school.

While class work was mostly drudgery, learning about the Terps and Skins was effortless joy. I loved to watch them, think about them, read about them, talk about them, and listen to games on the radio. To absorb everything I possibly could about these guys - to study them - was rich food for my schoolboy's soul.  

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Why was that kind of learning so easy for me when formal education was so hard? What made the difference?

 

Passion.  No secret there. What we love, we want to learn about. And what we love to study, we come to love even more. That's just the way God has wired us. 

 

My highest and greatest love will always be reserved for God.  But after my love for God, nothing compares to the passion I hold for Carolyn, my wife.

 

Because I have this passion for her, I have studied her. It has been my privilege to be a student of Carolyn since before our engagement. As I have studied her-seeking to learn what pleases, excites, honors, encourages, refreshes, and helps her - my love for her has only increased.

 

There is a truth that should be emblazoned on the heart of every husband. If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this:

 

In order for romance to deepen, you must touch the heart and mind of your wife before you touch her body.

 

this article continues here - read it all!  

 

 

 

 

 

5 Levels of Communication

by Dr. Gary Chapman

 

Just as it is helpful to identify certain communication patterns, it is also helpful to understand that various levels of communication exist. All communication is not equal in value. Some levels of communication foster greater intimacy than others. We will certainly communicate on all five levels, but in a marriage relationship we desire to spend more and more time on the higher levels. Picture the five levels as five ascending steps that lead to a large platform where there will be free and open communication.

  

Now You're Speaking My Language

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Level 1: Hallway Talk - "Fine, how are you?"

This level involves surface talk - the nice, polite things we say to one another throughout the day, the expected things. Such statements are not to thought of as totally useless; they are positive and they do acknowledge the other person's presence. However, some people never get beyond this first level of communication.

 

Level 2: Reporter Talk - "Just give me the facts."

Conversation on level 2 involves only the facts: who, what, when and where. You tell each other what you have seen and heard, when and where it took place, but you share nothing of your opinions about the events. I am not suggesting that this level of communication is unimportant; the success of much of life is dependent upon this kind of communication.

  

Level 3: Intellectual Talk - "Do you know what I think?"

Level 3 goes beyond the sharing of factual information. We are now sharing our opinions, interpretations, or judgements about the matter. We are letting another person in on how we are processing the factual information in our minds. Obviously the possibility of conflict or differences is much more likely on level 3 than on levels 1 or 2. A necessity for communication growth is giving each other the freedom to think differently. When one tries to force the other to agree with his opinions, then intimacy evaporates and argument or silence prevails.

  

Level 4: Emotional Talk - "Let me tell you how I feel."

On level 4 we share our emotions and how we feel about things. "I feel hurt, disappointed, angry, happy, sad, excited, bored, unloved, romantic, or lonely." These are the kinds of feeling words we use on this level. For most people, sharing feelings is more difficult than sharing thoughts. Our feelings are more private. the distance between level 3 and level 4 may be a giant step. If I share my feelings and you don't like my feelings, you may be hurt or disappointed in me, or you may get angry with me. I may then have great difficulty coping with your rejection or anger; therefore, I may be reluctant to share my feelings again. We risk much more when we communicate on this level, but we also have the potential for entering a higher level of communication.

  

Level 5: Loving, Genuine Truth Talk - "Let's be honest."

On this level, we are at the apex of communication. I like to picture this level as a platform upon which we can build a healthy marriage with a high degree of intimacy. It is where we are honest but not condemning, open but not demanding. It allows each of us freedom to think differently and feel differently. 

  

Developing an awareness of these five levels of communication opens the potential for helping us enhance the quality of our communication.

 

This excerpt taken from Now You're Speaking My Language by Dr. Gary Chapman, published by Broadman & Holman Publishers. 

 

 

 

 

Love Never Fails

by David H. Roper

 

Poet Archibald MacLeish says that "love, like light, grows dearer towards the dark." This is what he calls the "late, last wisdom of the afternoon." The same is true of our love for one another; it can indeed grow dearer as we age. I have seen it myself in two elderly friends.

 

Married for over 50 years, they are still very much in love. One is dying of pancreatic cancer; the other is dying of Parkinson's disease. Last week I saw Barbara lean over Claude's bed, kiss him, and whisper, "I love you." Claude replied, "You're beautiful."

I thought of couples who have given up on their marriages, who are unwilling to endure through better or worse, sickness or health, poverty or wealth, and I am saddened for them. They will miss the kind of love my friends enjoy in their latter years.

 

I have watched Claude and Barbara over the years, and I know that deep faith in God, lifelong commitment, loyalty, and self-denying love are the dominant themes of their marriage. They have taught me that true love never gives up, it "never fails." Theirs is the "late, last wisdom of the afternoon," and it will continue to the end. May we express that same unfailing love to those who love us.

 

Lord, teach us the secret of loving,

The love You are asking today;
Then help us to love one another-
For this we most earnestly pray.  -Anon.

 

Don't put off until tomorrow the loving words you can say today.

Article originally found at Our Daily Bread, June 21, 2006 in an article called Love Never Fails by David H. Roper.  Find them at www.odb.org

 

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Hear from the Word of God

 

1 Corinthians 13:1-8

 

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, 

I gain nothing.  

 

Love is patient, 

love is kind. 

It does not envy, 

it does not boast, 

it is not proud. 

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, 

it is not easily angered, 

it keeps no record 

of wrongs.  

 

Love does not delight 

in evil but rejoices 

with the truth.  

 

It always protects, 

always trusts, 

always hopes, 

always perseveres.

 Love never fails.

 

Creative Conversation

 

Christmas Tree Chatter

 

As you're setting up 

your Christmas tree 

this year, share some 

of your favorite 

family traditions 

with each other. 

 

Can't think of a tradition? 

 

Tell your spouse about your most memorable Christmas as a child. 

 

 

 

Conversation Starter

 

If your day today was a newspaper headline, what would it read? Why?   

 

 

Tips to Becoming a Great Listener

 

Listen...don't talk!  

 

Give the other person a chance to get his or her own ideas and opinions across.  Listen to understand, rather than spending the time preparing for your defense.  

 

Put aside your own opinions, thoughts and conclusions until you've heard (and understood) what your partner is trying to say.  

 

 

 

More Articles 

at MarriageVine

 

Culture Watch: Will the Supreme Court Let Citizens Answer, "What Is Marriage?"

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: The Heritage Foundation <newsletters@heritage.org>
Date: Thu, Nov 29, 2012 at 1:50 PM
Subject: Culture Watch: Will the Supreme Court Let Citizens Answer, "What Is Marriage?"
To: Bill Coffin <billcoffin68@gmail.com>


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Culture Watch: Weekly Round-Up on Family, Religion and Civil Society
November 29, 2012

Will the Supreme Court Let Citizens Answer, What Is Marriage?
by Ryan T. Anderson, William E. Simon Research Fellow
in the Richard and
Helen DeVos Center for Religion and Civil Society

As Sherif Girgis, Robert P. George, and I argue in The Wall Street Journal, the future of marriage is the future of humanity.

Conservatives rightly uphold the institution of marriage between a man and a woman because marriage is the seedbed of society, the necessary precondition for limited self-government.

But not everyone sees it this way. With the United States Supreme Court expected to decide this week whether to hear challenges to traditional marriage laws, now is the time for citizens to think deeply about the nature and purpose of marriage.

Marriage unites a man and woman holistically—emotionally and bodily, in acts of conjugal love and in the children such love brings forth—for the whole of life.

In the revisionist view of marriage, however, what sets marriage apart from other bonds is emotional intensity—what one philosopher refers to as your “number one person.” But nothing about emotional union requires it to be permanent. Or limited to two. Or sexual, much less sexually exclusive. Or inherently oriented to family life and shaped by its demands.

As a result, redefining marriage to include same-sex relationships would harm the common good as it obscures the true nature of marriage and thus weakens the marriage culture. Weakening marital norms would hurt children and spouses, especially the poorest among us.

Empty appeals to “equality” get us nowhere. As my co-authors and I argue:

Every marriage policy draws lines, leaving out some types of relationships. Equality forbids arbitrary line-drawing. But we cannot know which lines are arbitrary without answering two questions: What is marriage, and why does it matter for policy?

The conjugal and revisionist views are two rival answers; neither is morally neutral. Each is supported by some religious and secular worldviews but rejected by others.… So voters must decide: Which view is right?

The best philosophy, theology, sociology, and what G. K. Chesterton called the democracy of the dead—tradition—all suggest that the conjugal view is right.

As we argue in our new book What Is Marriage? Man and Woman: A Defense, marriage is a uniquely comprehensive union. It involves a union of hearts and minds but also a bodily union made possible by sexual complementarity. Marriage is inherently extended and enriched by procreation and family life and objectively calls for similarly all-encompassing commitment, norms of permanence, and exclusivity.

In the op-ed, we detail why conservatives would be ill-advised to abandon support for conjugal marriage even if it hadn’t won more support than Governor Mitt Romney in every state where marriage was on the ballot. 

What are your thoughts on the ongoing national dialogue about marriage? Raise your voice and interact with others on our blog >>
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Family Fact of the Week
Majority of High Schoolers Remain Abstinent

More than one in two high school students report remaining abstinent, an increase of nearly 15 percent since the early 1990s. The trend was most striking among African American students, with a 116 percent increase in those remaining abstinent.

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Founded in 1973, The Heritage Foundation is the nation's most broadly supported public policy organization. Heritage established the DeVos Center for Religion and Civil Society in 2004 to educate government officials, the media and the public about the role religion, family, and civil society play in sustaining freedom and the common good.

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Appreciation and Gratitude

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Smart Relationships <info@smartrelationships.org>
Date: Thu, Nov 29, 2012 at 1:13 PM
Subject: Appreciation and Gratitude
To: Bill <billcoffin68@gmail.com>


You are receiving this email because you provided your email address to thinkmarriage.org or Smart Relationships (same people, new name). If you don't want to be on our list, please unsubscribe by going to the bottom of the email. Please don't mark us as spam. We can be prevented from sending any emails to the subscribers who want to hear from us.
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Sometimes it's tempting to see other people as more desirable than our own partner. But, if the truth be told, no human being is without serious emotional baggage, unresolved childhood issues, bad habits, and flaws. We have a humorous saying here at Smart Relationships, "The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because your neighbor takes better care of the lawn!"

While some individuals have serious issues that make their relationships difficult or unsustainable, it is estimated that up to 70% of divorces could be avoided if the couple learned more helpful ways of interacting.

One key to long-term satisfaction in your relationship is practicing appreciation and gratitude on a daily basis.This shapes your underlying attitude toward your mate, and it's your attitude that expresses itself through your words and behavior.


 


While we focus on couple relationships most often, we hope our more than 23,000 followers and readers (thank you!) understand that being good at relationships will affect every arena of your life: work, family, friends, and your communities.

Here's a list of '20 Simple Ways to Show Appreciation' across many types of relationships.


 

Did you know that Susan's coaching is available globally through Skype?

Her couple coaching comes with a guarantee. "I will help you recover the joy, closeness, fun, and commitment of your relationship in six sessions, or your money back."

Click here to request a no-cost 30-minute phone consultation with Susan, to see if your relationship is a good candidate for coaching.

Try this experiment. The next time your partner does something you find irritating, do these three things:

1. Take a calm breath
2. Consciously relax any part of your body that feels tension
3. Smile at him or her


 

"A Surprisingly Simple Way to Feel Madly in Love"
by Christine Carter, Ph.D.
reposted from The Greater Good Science Center, U.C. Berkeley

My buddy Fred Luskin recently stopped by for tea to show me his wedding pictures and tell me all about his new love—a whirlwind 50-something romance, a second great love after the death of his beloved wife of 25 years. Fred is someone who has written books about relationships, a guy who has actually figured out how to make a marriage great. He said something that really struck me.

“I text her several times every day,” he said, voice emotional.

“I love you.”
“You are beautiful.”
“And thank you.”

“I’m so grateful,” he told me, “to have a new partner in my life. I feel that every day. It isn’t hard for me to...

Read the rest of the article.

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Dec 13-14 Region IV AAHMI, HHMI and Responsible Fatherhood Forum

From: aahmi [mailto:AAHMI@LIST.NIH.GOV] On Behalf Of ACF Dallas (ACF)
Sent: Wednesday, November 28, 2012 3:23 PM
To: AAHMI@LIST.NIH.GOV
Subject: Dec 13-14 Region IV AAHMI, HHMI and Responsible Fatherhood Forum

   Your are cordially invited to attend the Administration for Children and Families (ACF), Region IV, African American & Hispanic Healthy Marriage & Responsible Fatherhood Strengthening Families Forum: A Conversation: Connecting, Educating and Networking with Communities. 

   This Forum is designed specifically for faith and community-based organizations, healthy marriage community coalitions, colleges and universities, healthy marriage and fatherhood grantees, public and private organizations, Head Start and Community Action Agencies, State and local human service agencies, and practitioners from various disciplines.  This forum will be held on December 13-14, 2012, at the First African Baptist Church, 23 Montgomery Street, Savannah, Georgia.

Bridget Minor

Family Life and Marriage Program Specialist

Administration for Children and Families

Region IV, Atlanta, GA  404-562-2903

Seven couples tied the knot!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Carolyn Rich Curtis <info@skills4us.org>
Date: Wed, Nov 28, 2012 at 11:33 AM
Subject: Seven couples tied the knot!
To: billcoffin68@gmail.com


Second Annual Wedding Marathon
a great success!
The brides were beautiful, the grooms handsome, the ring bearers well behaved, and the flower girls adorable.  On Saturday, November 17, seven graduate couples were wed in lovely ceremonies at Westminster Presbyterian Church.  A great time was had by all!
 
Take a look: weddingmarathon.org

With heartfelt gratitude, we thank those who made the event possible:

  

Vendors                                                                        

Event planning  

Events by Wise
  

Host

Westminster Presbyterian Church
 

Hair and makeup services 

Colors Salon

Shea Lillard -Hairstylist
 

Music 

A Big Ticket Sound Experience
 

Dynomite Music & DJ Services
Photography

Cyrette Photography
 

Kimyetta Barron Photography

Riomar Photography

Cakes 

Rebecca's Custom Cakes                                    

 

Volunteers

Events by Wise staff- Danielle Brown, Jessica Gustavson, Kelly Gustafson, Lindsay Garcia, April Gordon, Rachel Moeller, Vickie Gustafson, Rick Wise, Bryce Brown, Anissa Still, Hannah Chudy & Shari Wise

Jennifer Cox                                            

Nancy Griffith                                                

Hannah Schoenhardt                                                                                                          

Previous Marathon participants Ed & Alisha Purcell                                     

Safiya Rayford                                    

Numerous members of Westminster Presbyterian Church

 

Donors

Aba Daba Rentals                                      

Anna Campbell/Moxie                                       

Anne Thomasmeyer                                  

Barbara Stern                                            

Beth Harrington/Benefit Resources                                    

Bill Watson

Cake Castle Bakery

Carol A. Voyles                                                   

Carroll & Sandy Dudley

Christ Community Church of Carmichael                

Councilmember Darrell Fong/City of Sacramento                                                           

David Asch & Wendy Phoenix

Flora Fresh, Inc.

Fresh Cleaners

George J. & Ella Gomes

Jerry & Elaine Wright

Jim Steward & Family/Stanislaus County

Healthy Marriage

John & Bev Brown

John & Virginia Porter                                      

Kevin & Tammara Wilcox

Lynne Cannady & David Ford/LPC Consulting

Ludy's Main Street BBQ & Catering                                    

Nancy Griffith

Paul Thompson/Capital Christian Center                                              

Phyllis Newton/Law Office

Robert Christensen/Financial Network                                         

Ross Tolbert/Voit Real Estate Services

Ruth Anderson                                          

Steve Polansky, MD                                              

Tony & Edda Browne                                        

Vaughn Johnson                                      

William & Elaine Schaedler   

 

It's not too late to sponsor a couple.  Donate today! 

 

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