Tip of the Week: June 12, 2012

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Council for Relationships <hsiegel@councilforrelationships.org>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 12:36 PM
Subject: Tip of the Week: June 12, 2012
To: billcoffin68@gmail.com

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Council for Relationships
Helping People Live Their Best Lives
This Week's Relationship Tip

                     Growing Closer                                                    


Of all the ways partners can grow closer to one another, the most important one is to speak and listen to one another from their hearts.  One sure sign of this kind of communication is when I hear a husband say "I could see that my wife was angry but I suspected that she was really feeling hurt because I hadn't helped her with some chores" or when I hear a wife say "I could see that my husband was pulling away and I thought perhaps he was worried he would disappoint me...so he decided not to say anything at all."...



Wanda Sevey, M.Div, LMFT is a Senior Staff Therapist and Director of CFR's New Jersey office. She can be reached at 856-783-4200 ext. 1.



For many more tips and articles on a variety of topics, please visit Council for Relationship's Tip of the Week Archive.

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Save the Date!  
If you work with couples, you won't want to miss this year's Treating Couples Conference.  Make sure to mark your calendars for FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 2nd for our annual conference, "The State of Affairs: Rethinking Our Clinical Attitudes Towards Infidelity."  We'll be joined for the day by renowned infidelity expert, couples therapist and best-selling author  Esther Perel.

For additional information about the Conference, call or email Hilary Siegel:
Phone: 215.382.6680 x3124
Email: hsiegel@councilforrelationships.org




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DCoE June Webinar – Intimate Partner Violence: What Health Care Providers Need to Know

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Defense Centers of Excellence <dcoe@service.govdelivery.com>
Date: Mon, Jun 11, 2012 at 3:14 PM
Subject: DCoE June Webinar – Intimate Partner Violence: What Health Care Providers Need to Know
To: billcoffin68@gmail.com

Defense Centers of Excellence for Psychological Health and Traumatic Brain Injury (DCoE) presents:

DCoE June Webinar – http://www.dcoe.health.mil/Training/MonthlyWebinars.aspx" target="_blank">Intimate Partner Violence: What Health Care Providers Need to Know

June 28, 2012, 1-2:30 p.m. (EDT)


Intimate partner violence (IPV) is a serious public health problem in the United States. Nearly three of 10 women and one of 10 men have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by a partner (Black et al., 2011). IPV victims are at risk for a variety of psychological health problems, including posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression and substance misuse.

Several factors (e.g., being violent or aggressive, alcohol misuse) may increase the risk of someone hurting his/her partner. Research has suggested the co-occurrence of IPV and PTSD may be related to combat experiences.

This webinar will address the impact of IPV on victims psychological health and identify appropriate screening methods for signs of abuse. In addition, this webinar will examine the relationship between IPV and PTSD, emphasizing provider-level strategies for IPV perpetration.


April A. Gerlock Ph.D., ARNP
Research Associate, HSRD NW Center of Excellence
VA Puget Sound Health Care System

Carole Warshaw, M.D.
National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health
Registration and Education Creditshttp://dcoe.adobeconnect.com/dcoejunewebinar/event/registration.html" target="_blank">

Sign up for the webinar.

Continuing education units and continuing medical education credits are available from Saint Louis University. You must register in advance using the Adobe Connect website to qualify.

If your network security settings do not allow you to access Adobe Connect, use another network or device to access the registration page. Once registered, you may use Adobe Connect or Defense Connect Online to attend the webinar.

To receive https://public.govdelivery.com/accounts/USMHSDCOE/subscriber/new" target="_blank">webinar announcements, sign up for email updates. 

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Links to New Research by Mark Regnerus

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Torre, Sarah Sarah.Torre@heritage.org>
Date: Mon, Jun 11, 2012 at 12:25 PM
Subject: Links to New Research by Mark Regnerus

Below please find the link to Mark Regnerus’ recently released article in the latest issue of Social Science Research. A PDF of the study and Mark’s responses to comments on the study are also included in the attached.


How Different are the Adult Children of Parents Who Have Same-Sex Relationships? Findings from the New Family Structures Study (Link to free HTML and PDF copies of Mark Regnerus’ study)


Same-sex parenting and children’s outcomes: A closer examination of the American Psychological Association’s brief on lesbian and gay parenting by Loren Marks, published June 10, 2012 in the same issue of Social Science Research


Reviewers’ comments on Regnerus’ and Marks’ articles:

The well-being of children with gay and lesbian parents by Paul R. Amato

What can we learn from studies of children raised by gay or lesbian parents? By David J. Eggebeen

Further comments on the papers by Marks and Regnerus by Cynthia Osborne


Mark Regnerus’ response to these comments are in the attached and are also available online: Response to Paul Amato, David Eggebeen, and Cynthia Osborne


News coverage:

Queer as Folk: Does it really make no difference if your parents are straight of gay? by Mark Regnerus (Slate Magazine, June 11, 2012)


Back in the Gay: Does new study indict gay parenthood or make a case for gay marriage? by William Saletan (Slate Magazine, June 11, 2012) [responding to Mark Regnerus’ article]


Q & A with Mark Regnerus about the background of his new study by Mark Regnerus (Patheos, June 10, 2012)


Study Suggests Risks from Same-Sex Parenting: Stark gaps in the ‘gold standard’ data set by Cheryl Wetzstein (Washington Times, June 10, 2012)


Studies Challenge Widely Held Assumptions About Same-Sex Parenting by Lois M. Collins (Deseret News, June 9, 2012)


Family Structure Counts, editorial (Deseret News, June 9, 2012)


Five Minutes: There's a Date Night Challenge PDX in Your Future

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Every Marriage Matters <everymarriagematters@comcast.net>
Date: Thu, May 31, 2012 at 3:05 AM
Subject: Five Minutes: There's a Date Night Challenge PDX in Your Future
To: billcoffin68@gmail.com

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Hi, just a reminder that you're receiving this email because you have expressed an interest in Every Marriage Matters. Don't forget to add everymarriagematters@comcast.net to your address book so we'll be sure to land in your inbox!
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Five Minutes for Marriage

June 2012
In Oregon, Marriage drops the probability of child poverty by 84%
In This Issue:
Bulletin Insert
Class List
Featured Video Clip
Research Findings
Distress and Restoration
Resources to Pass Along
Healthy Marriage
Step Families
Parting Words

The BULLETIN INSERT for June encourages couples to seek and give forgiveness as well as listing several marriage nurturing opportunities.

The CLASS LIST  for June
offers many opportunities for couples desiring to encourage their relationship. Will you be offering classes/seminars that should be included here? We would like to add them.

Your prayers and financial help to strengthen marriage
are greatly appreciated 
Dave and Kim Anderson
David and Kim Anderson, Directors of Every Marriage Matters. David is a Counselor and Coach, Kim is a Director of Payroll 
Like us on Facebook
Every Marriage Matters
1005 Woodlawn Ave
Oregon City, Oregon 97045

Date Night Challenge PDX is a 4 date, 4 week challenge for Portland couples during August. Date Night is a phenomenon sweeping the USA. Why? People are so busy with work & their social networks they don't have time for the relationships that matter the most. Date Night Challenge is all about carving time out of your busy schedules to hang with the person that matters most.
   There will be great ideas for dates, deals to make it happen, stuff to talk about, a few quizzes and perhaps celebrity attractions. DNC PDX is modeled after similar events held in West Palm Beach and Chicago. Check out their events at  www.datenightchallenge.com
    Better yet, come learn the plans for our Portland event at either of these two Wednesday, June 6th, events:

Eastside Pastor Briefing
10:00-11:30 am, June 6th
City Bible Church Rocky Butte Campus
9200 NE Fremont, Portland

Westside Pastor Briefing
2:00-3:30 pm, June 6th
Solid Rock Church Westside Campus
10500 SW Nimbus, Bldg T, Portland

Marriage Advice - How to Stop a Divorce Unhappy in your relationship but your partner won't work on it because he thinks you're the problem? You CAN change your relationship singlehandedly! Don't believe it's possible? Watch this video.


The Gray Divorcés The divorce rate for people 50 and over has doubled in the past two decades. Why baby boomers are breaking up late in life like no generation before. by Susan Gregory Thomas for Wall Street Journal


Top 15 Reasons Romantic Partners  Fight by Lori Lowe for Marriage Gems blog



Back to Happily Ever After What couples do in the aftermath of an affair can determine whether they'll have a future together By Elizabeth Bernstein for Wall Street Journal  


Can This Marriage Be Saved? Under-standing Adultery The issues associated with adultery are oftencomplex, and  multifaceted. There is no simple formula for restoration. However, if the couple sincerely desires a healthy, thriving marriage here are a few beneficial guidelines. (Laura Petherbridge,  LauraPetherbridge.com 



How to Mess Up Your Marriage Have you ever felt like a stranger living in a strange land?  Like somehow you've woken up in a place where you don't speak the language? By Matt Bell for his Matt About Money blog


What Are the Risk Factors? Divorce researchers agree that gray divorce is on the rise. But the question of what the precise numbers are, and what's driving them, isn't black and white. By Carl Bialik for Wall Street Journal



Is "Good Fighting" Beneficial to Marriage? Offers "good fighting" tips from Dr William Doherty. By Lori Lowe for her

Marriage Gems blog

Happiness Comes Before Success in Life, Not After By Lori Lowe for her Marriage Gems blog

              HEALTHY MARRIAGE 

Five Ways to Be the Husband God Wants You to Be Paying heed to these five directives can change your life and your marriage and make you the man and husband God wants you to be. By Stormie Omartian for CrossWalk.com

Four Elements of a Grace-Based Marriage There are four things that if you take in and adjust even 10 degrees, you can be on the path to having a wonderfully connected, grace-filled marriage where there is love within the home. By Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg for

Loving Your Spouse with a Whole Heart The passion and intimacy you wish for you and your spouse is possible only if you both devote yourselves wholeheartedly to your relationship - fully engaging and giving 100 percent, without reservation. By Whitney Hopler for


The Challenging Journey for Step Families Anyone trying to build a marriage in a stepfamily should heed these words of caution: "Buckle your seat belts and remain seated. The ride ahead may be bumpy for a while, but it will smooth out as you go. Press on, and don't jump out of the plane!" Ron Deal and David Olson at



Real commitment has real power to turn a good relationship into a great marriage. It lays a firm foundation for the attachment between two partners. Without that security, partners don't feel safe, and they will not invest as much in the future. - Dr Scott Stanley in his book The Power of Commitment


You are awesome!

It's great to be on His team together.




Tom Dressel

Every Marriage Matters |
1005 Woodlawn Ave | 1005 Woodlawn Ave | Oregon City | OR | 97045

Monthly MM's & PP's - JUNE 2012

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Susan Vogt <susanvogt@fuse.net>
Date: Mon, May 21, 2012 at 8:50 AM
Subject: Monthly MM's & PP's - JUNE 2012
To: billcoffin68@gmail.com

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Marriage Moments & Parenting Pointers

JUNE - 2012


Family heart


I offer you these tidbits of wisdom as prayer prompts to remind you (and your constituents) of the sacredness of marriage vows and the value of every child. The commitment to love a spouse forever, and the generous gift of life parents offer a child are indeed spiritual under-takings and cannot be done alone. May the God of Love be with you and your work.

FOR MORE extended marriage and parenting articles, plus archived Marriage Moments and Parenting Pointers, go to: www.SusanVogt.net
*BLOG: Living Lightly.


*TWITTER: @Vogt_Susan

You are welcome to reprint these MM's and PP's in bulletins, newsletters, and on your website with proper credit, ("By Susan Vogt, www.SusanVogt.net")
When used on a website, please also link to my website, www.SusanVogt.net 

*To SUBSCRIBE, click here.


*ESPAÑOL: Para opciones en español clic aqui.

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Forward to a Friend 

Dear Bill ,
Below are your Marriage Moments and Parenting Pointers for JUNE.   

NOTE: With the close of the academic year, I thought it might be fun for couples to take my quiz: Are We Intellectually Compatible?  


471. June 4: Marriage is not so much a matter of finding the right partner as being the right partner. Although some people have a natural talent for relationships some skills can be learned. Click here for resources.


472. June 11: Triangles are the most stable geometric form. Invite another person into your marriage to make it a threesome - you, your spouse, and God. Prayer to God can provide a perspective when both of you want your own way.


473. June 18: This Wednesday (June 20)  is the official beginning of summer and the longest day of the year. Take advantage of the daylight and do something fun, foolish, or refreshing. Maybe run through a sprinkler together or soak your honey with a squirt gun


474. June 25: We remember what we want to hear. For example, recently my husband asked me to take out the compost after dinner. I unintentionally but conveniently "forgot" because it was rainy and I figured it could probably wait another day. Sound at all familiar?


470. June 1: How many shoes does your child have? How many do you? How many can you wear at one time? The first week in June is National Barefoot Week. Have fun going barefoot for a day or an hour this week, but remember that some kids don't have any shoes. Check out Soles4Souls to see how you can help.


471. June 8: How to teach your child to be honest? Be honest yourself. Keep your promises to your child. Don't fudge on your taxes. Call a foul on yourself in games. Return the extra change the clerk mistakenly gave you...


472. June 15: Father's Day "Fathers, do not provoke your children, or they may lose heart." (Colossians 3:21) It's not easy being a father, trying to straddle that delicate balance between firmness and compassion. How did your own father do it? Well or imperfectly? I know you're trying. Keep it up.


473. June 22: Are you too busy? Too busy to waste time with your child? Too busy to sweat in the sun at your child's game? Too busy to take a walk and pause while your child picks a dandelion? You're too busy. Slow down, don't move so fast - at least for today.


474. June 29: Teaching politeness, Part 1:

Beyond "Please" and "Thank You" children need to learn how to respond to an introduction to a new person, give a firm handshake, look a person straight in the eye, and how to respectfully address adults. Can you check these life lessons off your parenting "to do" list?

© 2012 Susan Vogt
MAIL: 523 E. Southern Ave., Covington, KY 41015
PHONE: (859) 291-6197, FAX: (859) 291-4742
WEBSITE: www.SusanVogt.net
This email was sent to billcoffin68@gmail.com by susanvogt@fuse.net |  
Susan Vogt |
523 E. Southern Ave | Covington | KY | 41015

Save the Date - Better Marriages Conference 2013

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Better Marriages (formerly ACME) <huntpriscilla53@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Jun 7, 2012 at 4:01 AM
Subject: Save the Date - Better Marriages Conference 2013
To: billcoffin68@gmail.com

Conference Logo



  Save The Date!

Better Marriages Conference 2013
Educating Couples - Building Relationships 

July 11-14, 2013
Hilton North Raleigh/Midtown

Raleigh, NC

  • For couples of all ages and stages of relationship and the professionals that serve them (relationship coaches, therapists, developers of curricula, founders of programs, relationship educators, clergy, lay leaders)
  • Join hundreds of couples from around the world committed to growing the best marriage possible  
  • Grow, build relational skills, and enhance your relationship  
  • Leave feeling closer than ever before 
  • Become trained and certified to lead best-practices events and programs by nationally-known experts in the field of marriage education and marriage enrichment
  • CEUs provided for professionals

     More Information to Follow





For more resources, please visit our online store.


To read articles, please visit our blog


To receive relationship tips and our e-newsletter, please subscribe


To make a tax-deductible donation, please visit our website.


To become a member of Better Marriages, please join.  




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This email was sent to billcoffin68@gmail.com by huntpriscilla53@gmail.com |  
Better Marriages | P.O. Box 21374 | Winston-Salem | NC | 27120

Retired Department of Human Services Director Howard Hendrick receives Lifetime Achievement Award

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Kendy Cox <kendy.cox@publicstrategies.com>
Date: Tue, Jun 5, 2012 at 12:04 PM
Subject: Retired Department of Human Services Director Howard Hendrick receives Lifetime Achievement Award

Nice article below.


Retired Department of Human Services Director Howard Hendrick receives Lifetime Achievement Award


WASHINGTON, D.C.—On June 4, the American Public Human Services Association (APHSA) honored Howard Hendrick, recently retired director of the Oklahoma Department of Human Services (OKDHS), with its 2012 Lifetime Achievement Award for his contributions to the field of human services.

“For more than a quarter of a century Howard Hendrick has served the people of Oklahoma directly while serving the whole nation as well through his work on the improvement of human services,” said APHSA Executive Director Tracy L. Wareing, who presented the award at the organization’s National Policy Forum in Washington. “We thank him for all his contributions and we value his stewardship and his legacy.”

When Hendrick retired in April, ending nearly 14 years at the helm of the OKDHS, his tenure in the same state was longer than any human services director presently serving in that capacity in the country. Hendrick’s accomplishments at OKDHS during his leadership include leading the nation in the number of adoptions of children in state custody per capita, OKDHS being recognized for having the most outstanding Child Support Enforcement program in the country, and the agency achieving the highest ranked child care licensing program for standards and monitoring in the nation. 

Hendrick became the OKDHS director in 1998. In the ensuing years, he led a staff of nearly 8,000 employees, managed budgets totaling more than $2 billion and administered more than 40 state and federal human service programs throughout Oklahoma’s 77 counties.

Hendrick also served as Cabinet Secretary for Human Services for former Democratic Governor Brad Henry and served as Cabinet Secretary for Health and Human Services for former Republican Governor Frank Keating. Prior to joining OKDHS, Hendrick served 12 years as a member of the Oklahoma State Senate. For many years, he served as the Senate representative to the Oklahoma State Pension Commission and as the legislative representative to SoonerStart, the Interagency Coordinating Council for Early Childhood Intervention.

In 2004, he was selected as one of four Americans to receive the National Public Service Award for leadership in public administration, presented jointly by the National Academy of Public Administration and the American Society for Public Administration. In 2003, the Oklahoma Institute of Child Advocacy named him to the Child Advocates Hall of Fame.

In addition to his work in Oklahoma, Hendrick has been involved throughout his career at the national level, serving as APHSA president in 2009 and 2010 and as an APHSA board member from June 2004 until his retirement. He has served on several other national committees for legislative and human service organizations, sharing state-level solutions to the provision of health care and to local poverty. In addition, he served on the boards of the National Children’s Alliance and the Nazarene Theological Seminary and on the Executive Committee for the National Council of State Human Services. Prior to serving in the Oklahoma Senate, Hendrick practiced business, real estate, and tax law. Hendrick is a Certified Public Accountant and received his Master’s in Business Administration and a Juris Doctorate from the University of Oklahoma.


Editor's Note: A photo of Hendrick is coming soon and is available upon request.  Read APHSA's news release here. (Link opens in new window)


View this news release and contact information online at http://www.okdhs.org/library/news/rel/2012/06/comm06042012.htm.

Empathy Matters: Introducing StartEmpathy.org! Inside the Dream Classroom, the Recess Revolution, Empathy Cheat Sheet, & More

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Lennon Flowers <lflowers@ashoka.org>
Date: Wed, May 30, 2012 at 12:13 PM
Subject: Empathy Matters: Introducing StartEmpathy.org! Inside the Dream Classroom, the Recess Revolution, Empathy Cheat Sheet, & More
To: billcoffin68@gmail.com

Click here if you can't see the images


Today, we're thrilled to unveil StartEmpathy: a new digital home for parents, educators, students, and fellow enthusiasts looking to make the case for why empathy matters, and to share and discover the best practices for developing it. Here you can keep-up-to-date on the mounting evidence of why empathy is a crucial 21st century skill, and understand the latest in brain, science and education research. You can discover profiles of schools and programs that are getting empathy education right, and simple tips and tricks for cultivating empathy in your home, in your school, and even in yourself.

A few ways to get started:

VOTE on your favorite school or organization in Ashoka Changemakers' competition, "Activating Empathy: Transforming Schools to Teach What Matters". We've whittled the more than 600 entries received down to 15: now it's your turn to decide the winners.

SHARE your favorite book or movie that helped you get into someone else's shoes for the chance to get into our top 10 list of the best empathy-building stories.

LAUNCH an initiative to stop bullying and start empathy in your own school. (Teens only!)

JOIN our community and recruit your friends by liking us on Facebook, using the hashtag #StartEmpathy, and signing up for empathy updates and opportunities.

Ready. Set. Go!



These days, depressing statistics about the state of US schools abound: former New York City Schools Superintendent Joel Klein recently co-authored a report with Condoleeza Rice stating the dysfunction to be found in America's public schools threatened our economy, our global influence, and our national security. That kind of bad publicity has led school administrators across the country to put recess on the chopping block, along with everything else not expressly focused on academic learning.

But what if the secret to improved learning lay outside the classroom? What if equipping kids with the kind of skills and habits essential to success the workplace-the kind not measured on standardized tests-could also put an end to bullying? And what if the success of our schools lay in more recess, not less?

A new Stanford study on Playworks, founded by Ashoka Fellow Jill Vialet, suggests just that.

Read more.


"If you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far." Daniel Goleman



Look no further than the role of empathy in human-centered design, in conflict resolution, in the boardroom -yes, even in the preservation of the earth (don't take our word for it ) - and you'll realize that empathy matters for reasons beyond the fact that learning outcomes improve (though for the record, they do). As a loyal reader of Empathy Matters, chances are you knew that already.

But we also know that there are some folks out there who could use a little more convincing. That's why we've put together a cheat sheet to help you make the case, whether you're a teacher urging your principal to prioritize play, or a parent deciding what kind of education you really want for your child. So the next time you find yourself being asked whether empathy can really be taught, or trying to explain just how it impacts the learning environment, you'll be ready.

Read on.

A year ago, filmmakers Tom and Amy Valens set out in search of a community of educators who refused to let the current national obsession with reading and math distract them from the equally vital mission of helping students learn to think -and act- empathetically.

Their search ended at the front door of the Mission Hill School, and in the classrooms of veteran educators Ayla Gavins, Jenerra Williams, and Kathy Klunis-D'Andrea.

We recently followed Tom and Amy's video cameras inside the classrooms, to understand how a public elementary in a low-income Boston neighborhood is able to enjoy a 96% attendance rate, with zero suspensions this year. There we discovered what's possible when adults commit to meet the full range of needs -intellectually, socially, and emotionally- that children bring to school each day.

See for yourself.


This email was sent by: Ashoka
1700 N Moore St., Suite 2000 (20th Floor) Arlington, VA, 22209, USA

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Five myths of the sexual revolution

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: The Iona Institute <info@ionainstitute.ie>
Date: Fri, Jun 1, 2012 at 12:30 PM
Subject: Five myths of the sexual revolution
To: William <billcoffin68@gmail.com>

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The Iona Institute for Religion and Society

Make a donation to the Iona Institute

Five myths of the sexual revolution (or teaching the real facts of life) 

We think we know the facts of life, we think we have become uniquely knowledgeable about sex. In fact, the sex revolution has created destructive new norms that harm people both physically and emotionally

THIS week was Sexual Health Awareness Week (SHAW), in case you hadn’t noticed. It was hosted by the Royal College of Physicians.

A report issued to coincide with SHAW uses the World Health Organisation's definition of sexual health, which is as follows: A state of physical, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality. It requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence.

That definition actually isn’t bad, but to judge from the talks given during SHAW, the Royal College itself has no proper understanding of some of the very contemporary dangers to people’s sexual health, especially the emotional dangers, dangers produced by the sex revolution itself.

To learn more about this the members of the College would do well to read a really excellent book published last year called Premarital Sex in America. A great deal of it applies to Ireland.

The book lists ten myths that lead young people, especially women, to act against their best interests.

Here is what we think are the main five:

1. Long-term exclusivity is a fiction

Long-term exclusivity is actually still commonplace, the book states, although obviously less so  than in the past. But the perception that it is rare leads young people to believe it can be a risk to invest too much in a relationship emotionally speaking. This means they often ‘bounce’ in and out of relationships. However, despite their best efforts not to invest too much in these relationships, women in particular often do so anyway, and this can leave them feeling very badly let down when they end. But if they don't invest emotionally, they often feel let down anyway because they wanted to invest emotionally.

This may seem like a stereotype but it is probably the single most important finding of Premarital Sex in America.

2. The introduction of sex is necessary in order to sustain a fledgling or struggling relationship

In fact, the evidence is that the early introduction of sex into such relationships makes them even more unstable because it means men have to invest even less into them emotionally to gain what they want short-term.

3. It doesn’t matter what other people do sexually; you make your own decisions

This is arguably the most pernicious myth of all because the decisions other people make affect your decisions as well. This is because those other decisions create norms you are then expected to obey even if you don’t like them, for example, to have sex earlier in a relationship than you might wish.

As the authors put it: “free choice disappears when the majority of men and women become constrained by the structured expectations of fairly prompt sex within romantic relationships, fewer expectations for commitment and permanence, etc.”

Again, as the authors point out, these expectations have a more adverse effect on men than on women.

4. Sex need not mean anything

Quoting the book again: “This myth might not be a myth if you own a set of XY chromosomes. But if you’re an XX the odds are simply against it.”

5. Marriage can always wait

Americans today delay getting married. Irish people delay even longer. Irish men are 33 on average getting married and women are 31 on average.

The myth is that waiting will have no adverse consequences, only good ones, in that you can spend your 20s enjoying your 'freedom'. (Why the quotation marks? Because as mentioned in number 3 above, that freedom is itself something of a myth)

In response to the notion that marriage can wait, the authors state: “Many lose sight of the fact…that there is a marriage market out there just like there’s a sex market. It’s s pool that does not grow deeper and more impressive with age…optimal candidates tend to get selected earlier rather than later.”

Premarital Sex in America should be renamed ‘The facts of Life’. We think we know the facts of life, we think we have become uniquely wise and knowledgeable about sex. In fact, the sex revolution has created destructive new norms that bear down more heavily on women than men and often damage their emotional as well as physical health.

On this point, one very startling finding is as follows; among American women aged 18-23 who have had just one or two sexual partners to date, 10pc have suffered from a depressive illness at some point, but among their counterparts who have had ten or more sexual partners, this soars to over 30pc.

Therefore, having multiple sexual partners is a big threat to women’s mental and emotional health. That should have alarm bells ringing loudly.

One of the reasons people often act in ways that go against their sexual interests is because the above myths about sex are now deeply entrenched in society.

Is it too much to expect the Royal College of Physicians to take some of this into account for next year’s SHAW? 
(On a related topic, in his column in today's Irish Independent, David Quinn writes about the 50th anniversary of The Late Late Show and how it wrongly convinced itself, and us, that we are now 'mature' about sex. Click here to read it).


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