Ethics & Religion

9311 Harrington Dr.

Potomac, MD 20854

Mike@MarriageSavers.org

301 469-5870

July 31, 2014

Column #1,718

“$10 Great Dates”

By Mike McManus

            “$10 Great Dates” is a book opening with a conversation.  One asks, “What’s your favorite date?

            She replies, “You mean before we were married?”

            “No, what’s your favorite date from the last couple of months.”

            After a period of silence, she responds, “We don’t actually date.  We’re so busy, and it’s super expensive!  It’s just not easy to do.”

            If that sounds like you, here’s a must-read book co-authored by David & Claudia Arp and Peter & Heather Larson.  It offers a date a week you and your spouse can do for less than $10 each.

            Think back to your initial dating days and why you dated each other in the first place. “Because I’m crazy about her.”  “He makes me so happy.”  “I want our relationship to grow.”  “I want to know her on a deeper level.”

            “Wouldn’t it be great if married couples could tap into this kind of positive energy in an ongoing way? Dating on a regular basis is a fun way for couples to rejuvenate their love for each other,” they assert.

            The Arps, long-term friends of ours, have often said, “Fun in marriage is serious business. Have you ever met a couple on the way to divorce who were having fun together?”

            Therefore they recommend that couples have regular date nights, but “dates with a purpose.” (Not just dinner and a movie, but dates “that stretch you and take you out of your normal routine.”)

            What makes a date great?  First, “quality time together, giving each of you a break from normal routine, a shared activity and conversation. Men tend to relax through doing an activity; women often relax by talking.” A combination is what’s needed.

               Each suggested date follows a succinct pattern: Before Your Date suggestions on how to research possibilities and tips for the actual date, Talking Points that can be conversation starters. Finally, each ends with Great Dates Takeaway, a thought to ponder and apply to your relationship.  Here are two outlines of $10 Great Dates:

            The “Out-of-Towners Great Date” suggest that you look at your own town as if you were a tourist.  “Pretend this is your first visit. You may be amazed what you discover.”

            Before Your Date research your area. Search the web to find discount days, coupons and other deals for the places you plan to visit. Chamber of commerce have free brochures.

            On Your Date allow plenty of time.  Consider a walking tour of the downtown area. Wear a backpack with water and snacks to stay on budget. Be sure to have a camera.

            Talking Points: What did you learn about your hometown? If you were giving a guided tour, what would you include?

            Great Date Takeaway: When we take the time to explore together, we gain a new appreciation of where we live, work and play. How does this relate to your relationship?

           Take A Hike (Together):  Pack your backpack and take an all-day hike. “We love to hike along the Potomac River, and each year try to do a seven-mile hike that takes us all day up and down a rugged path with scenery that is amazing,” write Dave and Claudia.

            Before Your Date research hiking trails near you. Most hiking guides will give details, such as distance, difficulty and other unique features.

            On Your Date stay on the path, but if it is too difficult, be willing to turn around. On narrow paths, take turns leading. It can be fun to use a walking app. “We highly recommend the Walkmeter app, which costs $5, leaving $5 for snacks.”

            Talking Points: “If you made a map of your marriage journey so far, what would it look like? What were some of the romantic highs or valley lows?

            Great Date Takeaway:   Taking the time to walk together encourages a new appreciation of the wonderful world that God created.

            The Arps have authored similar books, such as “10 Great Dates to Energize Your Marriage,” which is both a book and a set of DVDs that we recommend to churches as a way to enrich a congregation’s marriages. Several hundred thousand churches have shown the brief DVD excerpts on a series of Friday nights, after which couples go on a Great Date to discuss “Resolving Honest Conflict,” “Becoming an Encourager,” etc. 

            Peter Larson is a psychologist who co-authored the customized couple inventory called PREPARE/ENRICH, a diagnostic tool we recommend for both premarital couples and those in crisis.  Heather is a Christian relationship coach. They have produced DVD Dates with the Arps.

            If you have children, see 8 cheap options for child care. 

Copyright © 2014 by Michael J. McManus, President of Marriage Savers and a syndicated columnist.

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Mike McManus is President of Marriage Savers

and a syndicated columnist, writing Ethics & Religion weekly

mike@marriagesavers.org

9311 Harrington Dr.

Potomac, MD 20854

301-469-5873

July 16, 2014

Column #1716

“Married, Spouse Present”

By Mike McManus

            The Census Bureau reports that of the 250 million Americans who are 15 or older, only 49.1% are married with a “spouse present.” That’s a grim figure.  There are another 3.5 million whose spouse is absent and 5.6 million who are separated.  Many are facing a likely divorce.

            If we ask what percent of those aged 20 or older are married, spouse present, the figure is a more encouraging 53.5%.

            However, that is still quite low, down from 75% in 1971. 

            What’s tragic is that marriage seems to be slipping away from most Americans. A tenth of adults are divorced and un-remarried.  There are also 57.6 million Americans over age 20 who have never married. 

Yet millions are having children.   Among parents aged 26 to 31 who did not graduate from college, three-quarters of the mothers and 70% of fathers have had a child outside of marriage.

For 25 years nearly three-quarters of black children have been born out-of-wedlock. However, 36% of births to whites are now to unmarried parents – up from 7.9% in 1975.  In fact, 53% of all births to women under age 30 are to single women.

Why?  Are high school kids so drenched in sex that marriage is on no one’s horizon? No.  According to the Annual Report on Family Trends by Patrick Fagan of the Family Research Council, the percentage of high school students who have had sex has dropped from 82% for blacks in 1991 to only 60% in 2011; and it has fallen for white kids from 50% to 44%.

The deeper problem is the drop of family income of everyone.

The inflation adjusted average income for all men rose from $20,000 to $35,000 by 1970, inched up to $37,500 by 2010 but dropped to $34,500 in 2012. Even those with professional degrees have taken a hit. They earned $111,000 in 2000 but $100,000 in 2012.  The proportion of middle-income households dropped from 61% in 1971 to only 51% in 2011.

Falling income makes people hesitate to commit to marriage – particularly those in “Middle America,” who are 25 to 60 with a high school degree.  Four decades ago, these moderately educated Americans were as likely as college graduates to marry. Only 13% of high school educated mothers had children outside of marriage in the 1980s. That figure is now 44% - close to the least educated mothers, 54% of whom had unwed births.

However, the major marriage-killer is cohabitation.  This assertion would surprise many young people who go to weddings where two-thirds cohabited first.  However, of more than 8 million couples living together last year only 1.4 million married.   Four out of five broke up.

And 41% of them had a child.   What are the odds are that a woman with a child will marry?  Slim. Most men want to have their own child with whoever they marry, not another man’s.

What can be done?  Here are three answers.

While incomes have fallen in recent years, those who marry will fare much better than those who remain single. Median family income, adjusted for inflation of married couples grew steadily from $28,000 in 1947 to $55,000 in 1970, on up to $80,000 in 2010.  In just two years, it fell to $75,000 – but that’s good income.

Second, ask your pastor to preach a sermon on cohabitation.  I have asked hundreds of pastors if they have ever preached a whole sermon warning about the dangers of living together outside of marriage.  About one hand in 50 goes up.  It is easier to preach on Abraham – and far less useful to a generation who believes they ought to “test the relationship” first.

As one marriage educator put it, “You can’t practice permanence.”  The pastor should say, “The best way to test the relationship is by taking a test – a premarital inventory which asks the man and woman separately whether they agree or disagree with 150 statements like `I go out of my way to avoid conflict with my partner.’

“Then the couple should sit down with a trained Mentor Couple to discuss the issues which are surfaced.”

Finally, the government should stop subsidizing unmarried couples to have children. The cohabiting woman with a new baby has the benefit of her partner’s income as if married.  She should not be given $25,000 of subsidies, as if she were raising the child alone.  For cohabiting couples with children, governors should encourage them to marry by not cutting benefits if they marry for two years, with subsidies tapering off over three more years.

Copyright © 2014 by Michael J. McManus, President of Marriage Savers and a syndicated columnist.

****************************************

Mike McManus is President of Marriage Savers

and a syndicated columnist, writing Ethics & Religion weekly

mike@marriagesavers.org

9311 Harrington Dr.

Potomac, MD 20854

301-469-5873