Coffin Corner

I started out the A-to-Z Challenge with the word Always—as in the things to always practice in your marriage. As an accompaniment to that list, here are five things to Never do in your marriage:

1. Never utter the word “divorce,” especially not in an argument. Generally, you don’t mean it {and you’ll regret it later}. Allowing that word to penetrate your relationship will erode your trust for one another and plant an idea in your minds that this marriage may not be worth your effort. If either of you are really thinking seriously about divorce, there are COUNTLESS alternatives worth trying before you get to that point. {Here’s just one worth considering if you live in the DFW area.}
2. Never withhold love to try to get what you want. That’s called manipulation, and it’s another tool that erodes trust. Instead, speak honestly about what’s upsetting you, and ask your spouse to engage in active listening so that together you can try to resolve the issue.
3. Never walk out without an explanation. It’s OK to need time apart in the midst of conflict, especially if things are getting heated. But instead of playing the drama card, very calmly assure your spouse that you love him or her and you want to resolve the conflict but that you just need a little time alone to think and process before continuing. Then go and do that. {Avoid, using the time to distract yourself. Figure out your part of the conflict, and go back when you’re ready to admit where you were wrong.}
4. Never speak slanderous words about your spouse, publically or privately. Instead, treat each other with respect, even if you feel he/she doesn’t deserve it. You are only harming your marriage if you run to friends or parents to complain about your spouse. And publically degrading your spouse is completely inexcusable and cowardly. {By the way, this includes venting on social media.} Be diligent to handle your conflicts on a regular basis so resentment doesn’t build up.
5. Never seek solace with someone of the opposite sex. Sharing the intimate details of your marital struggles with a friend or co-worker of the opposite sex is a recipe for disaster. You may be tempted to entertain thoughts like “he/she understands me better than my spouse” or “he/she is a much better listener.” You might find comfort in the moment, but seeking out and creating emotional intimacy with someone other than your spouse sets you on a path you don’t want to be on. Instead, invest your energy with the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with, and work together to heal and repair the challenging and broken parts of your relationship.

P.S. I am not the wise one here. These are ALL mistakes I’ve already made in relationships prior to our marriage. By God’s grace, since then, I’ve had the privilege to receive wise counsel from women more mature than me, and I’ve watched God heal many, many marriages of people who were willing to do the Always list and avoid the Never list.

P.P.S. I know there’s a possibility that one or more of you reading this list has committed one of these NEVERS. I just read an insightful post by Michael Hyatt about how to rebuild trust once it’s been broken. Don’t despair. All is not lost.

Except for the month of April, once a week on Mondays I am writing about marital conflict and communication in my Make-Up-Monday series. I welcome readers to share the conflicts they’ve worked through in their marriages, and when there aren’t any brave volunteers, I share some of ours. If you have submissions, ideas, thoughts or suggestions on specific conflict-related topics, please let me know. I’ll be picking it back on Monday, May 7th.

As always…I’d love to know what you have to add to this list in the comments. What are your “Nevers”?

Photo credit: © Mountainbiker | Stock Free Images & Dreamstime Stock Photos

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Post tags: AtoZ Challenge, Communication, Conflict, Lessons Learned, Make-Up-Monday, Respect, Sacrificial Love, Trust

So, in case you’re wondering what’s going on around here, I started the Blogging from A-to-Z Challenge on April 1st. Two weeks ago today! I know Sundays are officially OFF with the Challenge, but for those of you who are inclined…Here’s a list of what you might have missed since April 1st. All topics are related to marriage:

Always * Beloved * Conflict  * Date Night * Elation * Faithfulness  * Generous  * Husband  * Intimacy  * Jesus  * Kissing  * Love Languages  * Money

There are close to 2,000 bloggers participating. You can find the list of other A-to-Z blogs here.

What have you enjoyed about the A-to-Z Challenge so far? 

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Post tags: AtoZ Challenge

I have lots to say about kissing, but in the interest of keeping this brief for my A-to-Z Challenge visitors, I’m only going to focus on one aspect today: the 10-second kiss.

Last week my mother-in-law told me about a segment on The Today Show about kissing. You can watch the 4-minute video about the importance of kissing here. A big part of the segment is about the first kiss related to dating, but right about 3:00 minutes into the conversation they talk about the 10-second kiss {the article on the same page talks about it a bit more}.

What they don’t mention on the show is oxytocin, sometimes known as the “love hormone” {Google it, I swear this is true!} as the reason WHY kissing for longer than just a peck on the lips is important. When we cuddle, hug, kiss, and engage in other types of intimacy our bodies release this hormone that increases and reinforces attachment.

We first learned about this shortly after we were married. A counselor we knew suggested that engaging in long drawn out hugs {10-20 seconds} at least once a day would strengthen our marriage over time. The reason—oxytocin! Our bodies are actually created to chemically respond to the love and nurturing of a committed relationship. And longer kisses do the same thing.

Give the 10-second kiss a try tonight {10 seconds really is longer than you would guess} and let me know what you think in the comments below!

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Post tags: Attachment, Intimacy, Love, Marriage

It’s one of the most important aspects of marriage—intimacy and closeness—but it’s also one of the most difficult to talk about…especially if it’s lacking and you don’t know how to get there. Intimacy requires trust. It requires openness. It’s a deep desire within all of us to be fully known and to be loved anyway. And those things really only exist in a place where there is also no fear.

For some of you not-so-frequent-visitors, you might be surprised that the Husband and I did not have any physical intimacy in our relationship before our wedding night. We’d never taken each other’s clothes off. We’d never groped or fondled {words that still feel gross to me and not an accurate depiction in my mind of what intimacy in marriage should be like} each other. In fact, the only thing we’d engaged in was an every-now-and-then make-out session. But even that, we realized, was a pre-cursor to sex and something we didn’t want to taint our dating or even engagement—so for the three-four months of our engagement we didn’t do that either.

I say “taint” because that’s what it would have done to our non-married state. {I dare you to try and prove that sex doesn’t change a relationship, married or not.} And our commitment to God and one another was to wait on physical intimacy. To not borrow from marriage. To not drink too soon of the intimacy that was created for that union.

I’d been warned by friends with different beliefs that this was a dumb idea. That it was important to “test it out” before marriage to be sure we were compatible. And sure, I had some concerns about that. But I had a greater trust in God and His purposes in putting us together. I’d already decided there was nothing that would cause me to walk out of this marriage once the covenant was sealed. Therefore, I was willing to endure a “difficult sex life” if that’s what God had for us.

Now, I won’t say it’s been easy—there have definitely been bumps along the way. {This is NOT Hollywood, you know!} But one thing was remarkable to me—on our honeymoon we truly had the kind of intimacy mentioned in the book of Genesis—we were naked and unashamed. In fact, we joyfully pranced around the room in our nakedness. We went to the bathroom with the door open; we weren’t embarrassed or shy. We just were. And it was easy. And that was far beyond what I’d imagined or expected. It was an intimacy I’d never known, and it was beautiful. And it was worth the wait.

And everything else has eventually come together as it’s needed to. We’ve had to talk about difficult subjects, and share our fears and anxieties. Deal with some awkwardness and be vulnerable like we’ve never been before. But that’s OK because intimacy is a process. There is no finish line. It’s not somewhere you just show up. It grows over time and with trust and it deepens in our grief and trials. And some days it’s better than others {see any number of conflicts in my Make-Up-Monday series}. But still we pursue it because of the trust that’s been built and the reassurance of how much better marriage is when we’re in that place of closeness.

How has intimacy been a challenge or a joy in your marriage? 

Photo credit: © Yuri Arcurs Fotolia.com

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Post tags: AtoZ Challenge, Intimacy, Jesus, Love, Trust, Waiting