All couples want their marriages to succeed. But what makes for a happy and lasting marriage? Is it just luck—a matter of finding the right spouse? Is each marriage unique, or do happy marriages have certain elements in common? Perhaps most important, what can spouses do to improve their chances of marital success?

Social science research offers some helpful answers. It reminds us, for example, that couples build “multiple marriages” over the course of a marriage. Common transitions such as the birth of a child, relocation, and the empty nest require couples to adjust their behaviors and expectations. Transitions can threaten marital stability, but they can also provide an opportunity for growth.

Here are several key findings from the social sciences that can help couples to navigate these transitions and build a lasting marriage.

–Couples who know what to expect during common transitional periods in a marriage are less likely to be blindsided when changes occur. Couples can acquire proactive resources to prepare for relationship shifts. See Stages of Marriage.

–The three most common reasons given for divorce are “lack of commitment,” “too much conflict and arguing,” and “infidelity.” (With This Ring: A National Survey on Marriage in America, 2005)

–In contrast, the most common reasons couples give for long-term marital success are commitment and companionship. They speak of hard work and dedication, both to each other and to the idea of marriage itself. (The Top Ten Myths of Marriage)

–Qualities that a couple can acquire and/or strengthen in order to save or improve their marriage include: positive communication styles, realistic expectations, common attitudes concerning important issues and beliefs, and a high degree of personal commitment. (Scott Stanley, “What Factors are Associated with Divorce and/or Marital Unhappiness?”)

–Married couples make a dual commitment. The first, of course, is to each other. The second is to the institution of marriage. This includes support for marital childbearing, openness to children, and a belief that marriage is for life. Such commitment results in high levels of intimacy and marital happiness. (Brad Wilcox, Seeking a Soulmate: A Social Scientific View of the Relationship between Commitment and Authentic Intimacy)

–Couples who stay married and happy have the same levels and types of disagreements as those who divorce. The difference stems from how they handle disagreements. The good news is that communication and conflict resolution skills can be learned.

The Couple Conflict Consultant is offered free of charge because it is a part of a research study being conducted by Dr. Keith Sanford at Baylor University. When you use the Couple Conflict Consultant, you are not only doing something to build strong communication skills in your own relationship, but you are also helping Dr. Sanford in an important research study. The main purpose of this study is to test the Couple Conflict Consultant to see how well it works and to discover which parts of the program are most helpful for couples. The results of this study will be used to improve the program and to discover the best ways to help more and more couples build strong relationships.

To help out with this research study, the only thing you need to do is to use the Couple Conflict Consultant. When you use this program, your information will be added to a large database. Dr. Sanford and his research assistants will then analyze this database and use it to answer important research questions. Notably, this database will be used only by Dr. Sanford and his research assistants, and it will be used only to answer important research questions. The database will not be sold or given to any other person or company. Most importantly, every time you use the Couple Conflict Consultant, you make an important contribution to a research study that could, in the end, help countless more couples build strong relationships.

reaching out to the “other” and then opening up to truly understand each other. Use the empathy symbol to indicate your support for a world in which we all can get along.

California Healthy Marriages Coalition Says: Arnold and Maria Should Continue as Models for the Power of Conflict Resolution

LOS ANGELES, May 11, 2011 /PRNewswire-USNewswire/ -- The news that former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and his well-known wife, Maria Shriver, have separated leaves Californians with yet another high profile marriage in trouble.  "This separation is just like many others," says Dennis Stoica, President of California Healthy Marriages Coalition (CHMC). "Their 25-year marriage with four children has been through many changes and stress, from the 8 years of demanding California politics to the recent deaths of close family members and now Arnold's career transition. There are many things putting a strain on their marriage."

Stoica estimates that 80% of divorces don't need to happen if couples use and apply the Conflict Resolution Skills taught in the Marriage and Relationship Education classes his organization offers throughout California.  "Marriage Education classes are valuable for any couple at any stage in their relationship, even for those going through a separation," he says.  Hundreds of research studies now show that Marriage Education classes make a significant difference in couples' ability to communicate and solve conflicts successfully and their satisfaction in the relationship.

For couples whose relationship is in crisis, Stoica has three recommendations:  

• Reflect on happy memories together and your partner's positive qualities to help you find the commitment to work on resolving the issues that have festered over time.
• Focus on self-change.  When one person changes, everyone in the family changes.
• Take a Relationship Education course to strengthen your conflict resolution skills before it is too late.  Using these skills successfully will build your confidence in the relationship.