Coffin Corner

CSTS Newest Developments:

New Resources for Military Health

Four fact sheets for providers and military families have been developed to address communication around the impact of war injuries, physical and psychological, on intimacy. They are: Intimacy and Health: The Impact of PTSD and Other Invisible Injuries on Returning Service Members, Reintegration and Intimacy: The Impact of PTSD and Other Visible Injuries; Physical Injury and Intimacy: Helping Wounded Warriors and their Loved Ones Manage Relationship Challenges and Changes, Physical Injury and Intimacy: Managing Relationship Challenges and Changes.

Ten Important Research Findings on Marriage and Choosing a Marriage Partner: Helpful Facts for Young Adults

Source: The National Marriage Project

1. Marrying as a teenager is the highest known risk factor for divorce. People who marry in their teens are two to three times more likely to divorce than people who marry in their twenties or older.

2. The most likely way to find a future marriage partner is through an introduction by family, friends or acquaintances. Despite the romantic notion that people meet and fall in love through chance or fate, the evidence suggests that social networks are important in bringing together individuals of similar interests and backgrounds, especially when it comes to selecting a marriage partner. According to a large-scale national survey of sexuality, almost 60 percent of married people were introduced by family, friends, co-workers or other acquaintances.

3. The more similar people are in their values, backgrounds and life goals, the more likely they are to have a successful marriage. Opposites may attract but they may not live together harmoniously as married couples. People who share common backgrounds and similar social networks are better suited as marriage partners than people who are very different in their backgrounds and networks.

4. Women have a significantly better chance of marrying if they do not become single parents before marrying. Having a child out of wedlock reduces the chance of ever marrying. Despite the increasing numbers of potential marriage partners with children, one study noted, "having children is still one of the least desirable characteristics a potential marriage partner can possess." The only partner characteristic men and women rank as even less desirable than having children is the inability to hold a steady job.

5. Both women and men who are college educated are more likely to marry, and less likely to divorce, than people with lower levels of education. Despite occasional news stories predicting lifelong singlehood for college-educated women, these predictions have proven false. Though the first generation of college-educated women (those who earned baccalaureate degrees in the 1920s) married less frequently than their less-educated peers, the reverse is true today. College-educated women's chances of marrying are better than less well-educated women. However, the growing gender gap in college education may make it more difficult for college women to find similarly well-educated men in the future. This is already a problem for African-American female college graduates, who greatly outnumber African-American male college graduates.

6. Living together before marriage has not proved useful as a "trial marriage." People who have multiple cohabiting relationships before marriage are more likely to experience marital conflict, marital unhappiness and eventual divorce than people who do not cohabit before marriage. Researchers attribute some but not all of these differences to the differing characteristics of people who cohabit—the so-called "selection effect"—rather than to the experience of cohabiting itself. It has been hypothesized that the negative effects of cohabitation on future marital success may diminish as living together becomes a common experience among today's young adults. However, according to one recent study of couples who were married between 1981 and 1997, the negative effects persist among younger cohorts, supporting the view that the cohabitation experience itself contributes to problems in marriage.

7. Marriage helps people to generate income and wealth. Compared to those who merely live together, people who marry become economically better off. Men become more productive after marriage; they earn between 10 and 40 percent more than do single men with similar education and job histories. Marital social norms that encourage healthy, productive behavior and wealth accumulation play a role. Some of the greater wealth of married couples results from their more efficient specialization and pooling of resources, and because they save more. Married people also receive more money from family members than the unmarried (including cohabiting couples), probably because families consider marriage more permanent and more binding than a living-together union.

8. People who are married are more likely to have emotionally and physically satisfying sex lives than single people or those who just live together. Contrary to the popular belief that married sex is boring and infrequent, married people report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than both sexually active singles and cohabiting couples, according to the most comprehensive and recent survey of sexuality. Forty-two percent of wives said they found sex extremely emotionally and physically satisfying, compared to just 31 percent of single women who had a sex partner. And 48 percent of husbands said sex was extremely satisfying emotionally, compared to just 37 percent of cohabiting men. The higher level of commitment in marriage is probably the reason for the high level of reported sexual satisfaction; marital commitment contributes to a greater sense of trust and security, less drug and alcohol-infused sex, and more mutual communication between the couple.

9. People who grow up in a family broken by divorce are slightly less likely to marry, and much more likely to divorce when they do marry. According to one study, the divorce risk nearly triples if one marries someone who also comes from a broken home. The increased risk is much lower, however, if the marital partner is someone who grew up in a happy, in-tact family.

10. For large segments of the population, the risk of divorce is far below 50 percent. Although the overall divorce rate in America remains close to 50 percent of all marriages, it has been dropping gradually over the past two decades. Also, the risk of divorce is far below 50 percent for educated people going into their first marriage, and lower still for people who wait to marry at least until their mid-twenties, haven't lived with many different partners prior to marriage, or are strongly religious and marry someone of the same faith.

I'm tired of the "wintry mix." Here in New York snowfall in January broke a record. My heating bills set a record, too, and the winter's far from over.

Long about this time every year I get the urge to head south, or west, for good. I'm aware that last month every state except Florida had snow on the ground, though it's not usually that way. Still, fantasizing about moving is about as far as I'll get-- divorce pretty much prevents it.

My daydreams about running away began after my ex-husband left. Not that I really wanted to pull up stakes from where I'd set them down 20 years before or uproot my children's lives even further. (Just like I never wanted a divorce.) But getting smacked in the face by a wrongful lawsuit at mid-life made Jon-Kabat Zinn look like the enemy. At least in the beginning.

"I've seen judges prohibit custodial parents from moving more than a few blocks," my attorney Saul Edelstein said when I inquired about my options.

"But I have no family here to help me," I said. "And it's expensive."

"Too bad," Saul said. In other words, as the well-known Brooklyn sign says when you're about to exit the borough: Fuhgeddaboudit.

Though I was still trying to save my marriage, resentment set my imagination spinning. Conjuring up places to move I never even had an inclination to visit, especially after finding out the law provided no countervailing compensation for the restrictions on my constitutional right to travel.

"Years ago, I left Manhattan and a great group of friends to move upstate with my husband, only to have him leave me for another woman," Erica Manfred told me. "Now I'm stuck in the boonies, much older and alone, because we co-parent my daughter."

Of course, in certain circumstances courts do permit custodial parents to relocate. But getting the green light can be complicated. Laws vary from state to state, from balancing tests to the "best interests of the child" standards; some states require proof of good faith. Suffice it to say unless your ex and non-custodial spouse blesses your relocation plan, even if it's only to the adjoining school district, you'll likely find yourself in a complex, costly legal mess by petitioning to head out of Dodge.

Proof will be required on a whole host of matters such as your your relocation plan, reasons for it and proposal for how your child will maintain contact with the non-custodial parent; your child's relationship with parents, siblings and grandparents, special needs, and the impact of relocation, including quality of life and effect on education and social relationships; the financial impacts, etc. Before it's all over there may be psych evaluations of the entire family as well as appointment of a law guardian to interview your child. Older children might have a say, and that can engender an entirely different sort of stress on the home front. (And who can blame them - as a rule, children don't want their parents divorcing in the first place!) The move may be expensive, too, along with the physical and emotional strain of readjusting.

"The bottom line is if you choose divorce, or have it chosen for you, you ultimately put the courts in charge of everything related to your kids until they are grown - including where you live and by extension, where you'll work and where your new spouse may work," says matrimonial attorney John Crouch.

Indeed, the courts--or even your ex--may force your hand.

"Courts can order that child custody change to the other parent if the custodial parent moves," says Crouch.

"When I was in the middle of divorce, my lawyer asked the court if my four kids and I could move to Houston where I have lots of family and the cost of living was much lower," Debby from Chicago told me. "My ex said of course I could move and come back whenever I wanted to visit my children. Needless to say, I remained in Chicago, where we had no family other than each other. Ten months later my ex left the state to avoid paying child support."

Awhile ago my own doctor said divorce had caused such stress that I should consider a long sabbatical.

"But my daughter's a teen, and she'd miss her dad," I pleaded. No matter that he and I had been through the litigation mill; he was her father. I understood her needs, even though I had my own oxygen mask to think about.

Only my doctor had something else in mind. "You're misunderstanding me," he said. "You should go alone." Talk about a sucker-punch. He's a brilliant, caring physician, but I ignored his advice for the time being and stayed put.

Unless the parties agree otherwise, however, the law generally imposes no impediments on the constitutional right to travel of non-custodial parents, even if they're the ones who do the leaving. They don't need a good reason to move, just like under no-fault divorce they don't really need a good reason to leave the marriage or family either. (Of course, custodial parents don't really need a good reason either.) If a better employment opportunity comes knocking, or an out-of-town romance presents itself, or pure whimsy strikes, they answer to no one but themselves.

Of course, not all non-custodial parents want to flee, even the left ones.

Charlie, a once full-time stay-at-home dad, who asked me not to use his real name because he's fearful of repercussions, told me that he, too, was the victim of a unilateral divorce. As a result, his parenting time dwindled to half. And, now after years of not working outside the home, he's forced to re-enter the job market during one of the worst unemployment periods in recent history. He hasn't been able to find work nearby, and doesn't want to move because his parenting time would be slashed even further. But he may have no choice.

Sadly, it's the kids who invariably get caught in the middle. There are few studies of the effects of relocation on children of divorce, but the data that exists along with research about the effects of relocation on children generally suggests that the picture is not pretty. Moreover, the social science research shows that in the majority of cases the best interests of children are better served if parents remain together in the first place. Indeed, why not have a "best interests of the children" standard where it counts most? Unfortunately, our divorce laws and practices do nothing to educate parents about the harmful effects of divorce on children or to promote reconciliation. (Of course, divorce may be better for children in certain cases such as those riddled with abuse.)

February 7-14 is National Marriage Week. So why not celebrate this year by tossing that divorce complaint where it belongs? In the garbage.

Follow Beverly Willett on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BeverlyWillett

Two Great Options for Valentines Day!

Marriage Week is a creative campaign that occurs during the Valentine's Day holiday in an attempt to deepen and extend this day in the minds of couples. Instead of greeting card sentiments and candy hearts, couples are encouraged to take advantage of opportunities for honest relationship validation and enrichment. In honor of Marriage Week, we have two special offers for couples:

1. Take a Valentine's Couple Checkup during Marriage Week for only $19.95 (regularly $29.95). This special price will be offered from February 7-14 at www.CoupleCheckup.com

A Free Webinar for Couples, "Valentines Couple Checkup" offered by Peter Larson, Ph.D. & Ron Deal LMFT. February 13th at 7pm CT. This event is designed to help couples get the most out of their Couple Checkup. Click here to read more and register.

Please help spread the word about these two great opportunities!

“One of the great illusions of our time is that love is self-sustaining. It is not. Love must be fed and nurtured, constantly reviewed. That demands ingenuity and consideration, but first and foremost, it demands time.” —David Mace