Coffin Corner

 Marriage Benefits Personal and National Economic Stability

Marriage works. It makes people happier, live longer, and build more economic security. Children with married parents perform better in school. Read short summary from “The Case for Marriage” here.

Deep down, everyone wishes they could have a rewarding lifelong commitment with their spouse. But in the midst of challenges, we forget how marriage can benefit our personal lives. We are losing our determination and the skills to keep marriages heal thy and strong.

Marriage breakdown is costly to our kids and to society at large. Divorce and unwed childbearing cost the U.S. taxpayers a whopping $112 billion annually. In these economic challenging times, building stronger marriages helps build a stronger nation.

Marriage is associated with wealth, health, longevity, happiness and sexual satisfaction, plus myriad benefits for children.

Yet the nation’s marriage rate keeps sliding downward — in 2009, there were 36 marriages per 1,000 single women 15 and older, compared with 75 marriages per 1,000 in the early 1970s, according to the “State of Our Unions 2010” report from the National Marriage Project and Institute for American Values.

As pro-marriage supporters prepare for the second annual “National Marriage Week,” Feb. 7-14, I offer a list of reasons for why young Americans are waiting to marry.

These seven reasons come from a fascinating new book, “Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think About Marrying,” by sociology professor Mark Regnerus at the University of Texas at Austin and postdoctoral fellow Jeremy Uecker of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

Young Americans have “scripts” that say they should wait to marry because:

• They can’t afford it. College is expensive, and couples want each other to be completely finished with school, have stable jobs and be “economically set” before marrying, the researchers wrote. Ironically, such rules do not apply to cohabiting.

• The 20s are a time to “be your own person.” Committing to a marriage looks risky when both people expect to “change” as they find their “true selves.” The resulting script says: Do the self-discovery part first, then involve “other people.”

• “It’s too soon to have children.” The lack of logic here is daunting: Marriage doesn’t cause babies, sex does, and more than half of American singles ages 18 to 23 are in sexually active relationships, Mr. Regnerus and Mr. Uecker found. Moreover, staying single doesn’t mean a birth won’t occur; in fact, four in 10 babies are born out of wedlock.

But, skipping over these facts of life, many young people think if they postpone marriage, they postpone children. As one 22-year-old woman said, “If I don’t want kids, I don’t really need to get married right away.”

• It’s time to travel, not settle down. A desire to travel was a common refrain, but it was “seldom accompanied by references to particular places they wished to go,” the researchers said. “It’s just the idea of it that’s appealing. And the assumption that marriage nixes one’s travel possibilities.”

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Stability is a primary element of a healthy marriage. The turmoil and constant conflict associated with instability are harbingers of a marriage in trouble.

But, what marks the difference between stable and unstable marriages? Expert Terry Hargrave provides a provocative answer in “The Essential Humility of Marriage.”

Unstable couples haven't “just lost one another.” Hargrave explains they have “lost their relationship,” their “us-ness.” “Us-ness” is the recognition that the relationship is “an entity separate from but dependent on the partners.” It's “not quite one (partner) or the other, but has elements of both.” It's what couples have and are together that's more significant than either individual. Us-ness is an invisible, but very real, third party to every healthy marriage that “takes on a personality with characteristics of its own.”

Hargrave notes we've “over-focused on individuality” for the last 50 years. Individual rights, feelings, satisfaction and accomplishment, along with “self-actualization” and self-assertiveness, have become all-important. In the meantime, the power and value of “us,” as a separate entity from “you” and “me,” have been ignored.

Us-ness can only exist in a stable relationship. Hargrave says “stability is a prerequisite for trustworthiness.” Trust grows slowly over time. When we grow to trust someone, we're able to give without threats or manipulation and able to believe that our partner “in turn will give us what we need.”

Lack of trustworthiness inevitably leads to unstable relationships. Both parties “stop giving and find ways to protect themselves.” And, the more each holds back and moves to protect his or her interests, the more each causes additional harm to the other, and gives more reasons not to be trusted in the future. In the process, us-ness is destroyed.

Hargrave says, however, that issues of power and control can be even more destabilizing than matters of trustworthiness. In unstable marriages, both “spouses start competing for the power.” Their decisions are not motivated to promote us-ness. Instead, decisions are made for individual purposes.

Competition for power in the relationship comes in several forms, all of which are damaging. For example, when either spouse:

♦Tries to “shape the relationship as he or she wants it to be.” What is good for “me,” not “us,” is the prime motivation.

♦Makes disrespectful or unloving comments at the expense of the other. Actions that sabotage the legitimate plans of your spouse, simply because you don't like them, are also attempts to dominate. It pits you against your spouse to determine who's in control.

Abusive behavior, either physical or emotional, is an extreme example of a power grab that destroys us-ness. Abusive individuals demand all the power, insist the relationship be run as they demand and show little interest in how their words or actions harm their spouse. Follow the old adage: “First, do no harm.” Abusive behavior always harms us-ness.

There are many things couples can do to promote their sense of us-ness. However, the most important are: recognize the value of your us-ness, act in trustworthy ways, and avoid the temptation of trying to take over the relationship and “fix” your spouse.

--> 2010, All Rights Reserved. James Sheridan has been married for 43 years. He serves as Chief Judge of the 2-A District Court in Adrian, Mich. His Web site is www.marriagedoneright.com. This column is the personal opinion of the writer and does not necessarily reflect the views or opinion of The News-Sentinel. To read more Neighbors and Features columns, click on Columns at www.news-sentinel.com.