17Jan/110

Ten Tremendous Tips For A Successful Marriage

1. Remember Marriage matters. Married people and their kids do better in all measures of health, wealth, and happiness and success. And

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The NHMRC has compiled a series of Top 10 Lists.  We asked experts, practitioners, authors and the general public for their responses to various questions.  Below are the results.  These lists are not based on a comprehensive survey, but just meant to be a snapshot of opinions from those in the field.  Inclusion on a list does not constitute an endorsement by the NHMRC.

Books / Literature on Marriage:
	Top 10 Recommended Books for Couples in Crisis Top 10 Recommended Books to Enhance Your Marriage Top 10 Recommended Books for Youth that Depict Healthy Marriage Top 10 Works of Literature that Depict Healthy Marriage

Culture / Media:
	Top 10 Most Recommended Wedding Movies Top 10 Most Recommended Comedies about Marriage and Family Top 10 Most Recommended Dramas about Marriage and Family Top 10 Songs about Marriage Top 10 TV Shows that Depict Healthy Marriage Top 10 Celebrity Marriages

For Couples:

Top 10 Most Appreciated Spousal Affirmations Top 10 Acts of Service for Your Mate Top 10 Appreciated Expressions of Love through Touch Top 10 Appreciated Gifts from a Spouse Top 10 Ways to Spend Quality Time Top 10 Pieces of Advice for a Long and Healthy Marriage Top 10 Reasons Marriages End in Divorce Top 10 Myths about Marriage Top 10 Most Romantic Destinations or Get-a-ways Top 10 Health Benefits of Marriage Top 10 Reasons Why Marriage Benefits Children Top 10 Challenges Couples Face in Forming and Sustaining Healthy Relationships and Marriages Top 10 Most Original Ways to Propose Marriage

For Practitioners:
	Top 10 Best Marketing and Recruitment Strategies Top 10 Best Retention Strategies Top 10 Essential Readings for Practitioners

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Books / Literature on Marriage:

Top 10 Recommended Books for Couples in Crisis
Below are the top ten books our experts recommended for couples seeking assistance for their marriage.

Getting the Love You Want  by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.  Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love  by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again by Michele Weiner-Davis Passage to Intimacy : Key Concepts and Skills from the Pairs Program Which Has Helped Thousands of Couples Rekindle Their Love  by Lori H. Gordon and Jon Frandsen Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond by Anne Sheffield After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful  by Janis Abrahms Spring and Michael Spring Marriage On The Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic by Janet G. Woititz Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Your Relationships  by Olivia Mellan Loving Solutions by Gary Chapman

 

Top 10 Recommended Books to Enhance Your Marriage
Below are the top ten books our experts recommended for couples who would like to bolster their marriage.

Getting It Right the First Time (for first marriages) and Getting It Right This Time (for second marriages) by Barry and Emily McCarthy The Love Dare by Stephen Kendrick and Alex Kendrick The Power of Commitment: A Guide to Active, Lifelong Love by Scott Stanley Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart by William J. Doherty Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Dr. Kevin Leman The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Dr. Gary Chapman  Making Marriage Work for Dummies by Steven Simring, Sue Klavans Simring, and Gene Busnar His Needs; Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage by Willard Harley Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How You Can Make Yours Last by John Gottman The New Marriage: Transcending the Happily-Ever-After Myth by Linda Miles Ph.D. and Robert Miles M.D.

 

Top 10 Recommended Books for Youth that Depict Healthy Marriage
Most books for youth tend to address relationships from a deficit-based approach; that is, what to do when parents are divorcing or how to adjust to a new step-parent. Sadly, it is hard to find books that depict adult role models in genuine, healthy relationships, but the suggestions below are a good start.

Martina the Beautiful Cockroach: A Cuban Folktale by Carmen Agra Deedy (Author), Michael Austin (Illustrator) Cinder Edna by Ellen Jackson (Author), Kevin O'malley (Illustrator) My Heart Lies South, Young People's Edition: The Story of My Mexican Marriage (Young Adult) by Elizabeth Borton De Trevino Marriage of the Rain Goddess: A South African Myth by Margaret Olivia Wolfson (Author), Clifford Alexander Parms (Illustrator)  A Smart Girls Guide to Boys: Surviving Crushes, Staying True to Yourself & Other Stuff (American Girl Library) by Nancy Holyoke The Gift of the Magi by O. Henry The First Four Years (Part of the Little House on the Prairie Series) by Laura Ingalls Wilder The Swiss Family Robinson by Johann D. Wyss Anne of Green Gables, by L.M. Montgomery The Best Nest and Flap Your Wings by P.D. Eastman

 

Top 10 Works of Literature that Depict Healthy Marriage

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin Room Temperature by Nicholsson Baker  Back Then: Two Literary Lives in 1950s New York by Anne Bernays and Justin Kaplan Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, Richard Pevear, and Larissa Volokhonsky  Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner Saul and Patsy by Charles Baxter Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez The Namesake: A Novel by Jhumpa Lahiri  Will & Ariel Durant: A Dual Autobiography by Will Durant and Ariel Durant Love Is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time by Rob Sheffield

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Culture / Media:

Top 10 Most Recommended Wedding Movies

Father of the Bride (1991) Rachel Getting Married (2008) Runaway Bride (1991) It Had to Be You (1947) Betsy's Wedding (1990) My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002) Monsoon Wedding (2001) My Best Friend's Wedding (1997) The Wedding Banquet (1993) The Best Man (1999)

Top 10 Most Recommended Comedies about Marriage and Family

Parenthood (1989) Four Seasons (1981) Cheaper by the Dozen (2003) Woman of the Year (1942) Forget Paris (1995) Adam's Rib (1949) The Egg and I (1947) Daddy Daycare (2003) Fargo (Norm and Marge Gunderson), 1996 Juno, 2007

Top 10 Most Recommended Dramas about Marriage and Family

The Story of Us (1999) The Mirror Has Two Faces (1996) The Notebook (2004) It's a Wonderful Life (1946) On Golden Pond (1981) Walk the Line (2005) When a Man Loves A Woman (1994) Fireproof (2008) Shirley Valentine (1989) Family Man (2000)

Top 10 Songs about Marriage

Something that We Do - Clint Black Grow Old Along with Me - Mary Chapin Carpenter Forever and Ever Amen - Randy Travis Grow Old with You - Adam Sandler Love and Marriage - Frank Sinatra Remember When - Alan Jackson The Way I Am -  Ingrid Michaelson Just the Two of Us -  Bill Withers Just Another Day in Paradise - Phil Vassar Praise You - Fatboy Slim

Top 10 TV Shows that Depict Healthy Marriage
Many times media can contribute to unrealistic expectations of marriage. However, our survey results show that there are some television shows that have done a good job at realistically portraying healthy marriages; that is, marriages that effectively show how couples can constructively deal with conflict and survive and thrive through major challenges, disappointments and the stuff of every day life.

Cosby Show Mad About You Friday Night Lights My So Called Life (Parent's Relationship) 7th Heaven Home Improvement To Have and to Hold Dharma and Greg Everybody Loves Raymond Medium

Top 10 Celebrity Marriages
Not all noteworthy celebrity news is about break-ups and divorce. Fans take notice when celebs maintain healthy relationships too! We asked people to tell us which celebrity couples appeared to have the healthiest relationships or marriage. Here are the top ten responses:

Barak and Michelle Obama Will Smith & Jada Pinkett-Smith Tim McGraw & Faith Hill Ron and Cheryl Howard Paul Newman & Joanne Woodward Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick Patrick and Jill Dempsey Denzel and Pauletta Washington Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan

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For Couples:

Top 10 Most Appreciated Spousal Affirmations "I can live for two months on a good compliment." ~Mark Twain Words are, indeed, powerful. Why are compliments, or affirmations, so important and how can they benefit your relationship? In Gary Chapman's (1995) best-selling book, The Five Love Languages, he explains that people express and receive love in different ways. Dr. Chapman identifies these as the five languages of love: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. For people who have "words of affirmation" as their primary love language, verbal compliments and appreciation are particularly meaningful. Unfortunately, some partners forget or don't realize the significance of simple expressions of praise, kindness, and understanding that help nurture and sustain our relationships and help those we love feel loved. "I love you." "I really admire you for... (something specific)." "You know, you might be right." "What do you need from me, or what can I do for you right now?" "Thank you; I appreciate you." "I'm sorry; forgive me." "You are the most beautiful woman/handsome man in the world." "You are my best friend." "Have I told you recently how much I love the way you...(be specific)." "You rock my world." Top 10 Acts of Service for Your Mate Here is another Chapman-inspired question from The Five Love Languages: For people who have "acts of service" as their primary love language, helpful or altruistic acts are seen as very powerful expressions of love and devotion. Actions like cooking a meal, setting a table, washing dishes, vacuuming, taking out the garbage, mowing the grass, changing the cat's litter, etc. are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit and without expecting something in return, they are indeed expressions of love. Within every language, there are many dialects. If you have a significant other with Acts of Service as his or her primary love language, find out the specific things she/he would like by asking. If you are the person with that specific love language, make a list for your spouse with the things that would mean the most to you. We asked people what acts(s) of service they think are most valued by a spouse and here are the top ten responses:   "During cold months while I am showering, my spouse sometimes throws a towel in the dryer so it's all fluffy and warm when I come out." Domestic & Household Chores (e.g, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen are big winners). "When you're walking on the side of the road with her, be a gentleman and move over to the dangerous side of the road so she feels protected." Fixing things that the other can't fix. Buy or make him or her lunch and bring it to her/him at work, even if (especially if) it's out of your way. Cooking a special meal that you know he/she likes. When your spouse fills up your gas tank without being asked. When you are out and your spouse drops you at the door because it's raining. When husbands open car doors. Going to the grocery store and being sure to get items you know he/she loves-without being asked. Top 10 Appreciated Expressions of Love through Touch For our next Gary Chapman-inspired question from The Five Love Languages, we focused on "touch." We know some of your thoughts went immediately to sex. A healthy sex life is an important part of a healthy marriage, but that isn't the only way to express love through touch (but it is a good one!). For people who have "touch" as their primary love language, a hug or just being held goes a long way. We asked people what forms of touch they value or are most valued by a spouse and here are the top ten: (We tried to keep it clean) WOMEN A supportive hug A massage or back rub "Rubbing your spouse's feet--the true test of love!" ~Smart Marriages Attendee Holding Hands in Public and Private A Kiss on the forehead or nose Spooning Sex with lots of foreplay Playing with her hair Making out like you did when you were in high school Snuggling on the couch MEN A supportive hug A massage or back rub Rubbing his chest Sitting on his lap Spontaneous sex she initiates Running your fingers through his hair Nibbling his ear Holding his forearm when you walk into a party Snuggling against his chest or back in bed A kiss on the cheek Top 10 Appreciated Gifts from a Spouse Gary Chapman coined the term "love language" and identified five particular areas in which people show and receive love. For some people, receiving a gift is the ultimate expression of love. If your spouse or partner has gifts as his or her primary love language, consider the following lists, which contain respondents 10 most valued gifts from a significant other: WOMEN A romantic dinner Fresh flowers Jewelry (especially with a personal engraving) Tickets to a show Perfume Day at the spa or beauty parlor A framed picture of the two of you "Anything that isn't an appliance." Coffee & chocolate Comfy pajamas MEN Watch Wallet Ties Sporting goods Tickets to an event Car detailing Lingerie (for her) A CD with all of "your" special songs on it. Cologne Leather recliner Top 10 Ways to Spend Quality Time The fifth love language Dr. Gary Chapman writes about is "quality time." If your spouse or partner's love language is quality time, he or she feels most loved when you have meaningful experiences and conversations with one another Of all of the love languages, many spouses feel this one is hardest to fulfill--not just because we live in a busy, hectic world with multiple demands on our time, but because quality time is more than just being together in close proximity--it includes focused attention and energy. It involves active listening and validating feedback so your partner knows you've been listening. And, for your partner, it requires awareness and insight into his or her own emotions and internal state--something not always easily achieved. Nonetheless, quality time and energy devoted to one's partner is often cited as one of the biggest indicators of happy, healthy and enduring marriages, so it is definitely worth the effort! Here are our top 10 suggested vehicles for couples to experience quality time together: Weekend get-a-way at a B&B Date night on a reoccurring basis Coffee together before work or before the kids wake up Taking a stroll or exercising together Praying together Seeing a good movie and talking about it after Completing a house project together Finding a sport or hobby you can enjoy together (e.g., golf, dance classes, refinishing furniture) Working together professionally Reading to each other

Top 10 Pieces of Advice for a Long and Healthy Marriage

Commitment is Crucial: •  Have a long-term view: "It's like investing in the stock market, you can't pull your money out as soon as it dips." ~Marlene Pearson, Marriage preparation curriculum developer. •  Your partner is a package deal: You have to take the good with the not so good. •  Be willing to put time and effort into sustaining and enhancing your relationship. •  Recognize that marriage is a journey that ebbs and flows; passion will wan, but reignite over time. •  The success of your marriage is not measured by how you celebrate the good times, but by how you support each other through the challenges. Share Quality Time: • Never stop being friends. • Talk about more than just family logistics like soccer games and grocery shopping. • Make time to connect with quality conversations - even if the time has to be scheduled. That doesn't mean a romantic date necessarily, but just setting aside some time. • Always take time to laugh and play together inside and outside the home. • Continue to date. • "Build a comfortable, fulfilling couple sexual style and deal with sexual problems and conflicts early on." ~Barry McCarthy, Ph.D. bestselling author of Getting It Right the First Time Keep a sense of humor: • Be willing to laugh at yourself • "Humorous responses (to be used gently and often) and the ability to develop and select light-hearted interpretations of life's inevitable awkwardnesses are of great value in aborting downward emotional spirals (interpretations where blaming the other person can cause great harm)." Roger Harms, Wichita Community Marriage Policy Master Healthy Communication: • Speak to each other lovingly and respectfully; Do not criticize, belittle, ridicule or reject your partner. • Have patience. • Be gentle. • Be willing to listen. • Be willing to talk. • Be willing to validate what your partner is expressing, even if you do not agree with it. Do "little" things that make a big difference: • Affirm your partner and relationship daily by saying things like, "I love you," "thank you," "I'm sorry." • Do things for your partner without being asked. • Pray for your partner: "Our research shows that praying for your partner can bring you back to the common goals." "When people pray, they become one with their spouse. A subtle shift occurs. Praying regulates your emotion and it never leads to anger. 'Knee-mail' is social support available 24/7. We know that couples who have access to social support tend to negotiate their relationships better than anyone else." ~Dr. Frank Fincham, Eminent Scholar and Director of the FSU Family Institute. Choose your battles... • Be quick to forgive and slow to anger. • The worst possible advice you can give a newlywed couples is to express your feelings about everything. Far better advice is to choose your battles, so when you make a request of your spouse, and your spouse doesn¹t comply, step back for a moment and ask how important is this? Is this one of those issues I go to war over, or do I focus instead on what my spouse does for me, and let this one slide by? Be creative about differences and find a compromise. If you talk to people in long-term, happy marriages, they¹ll tell you acceptance is one of the key components to making it last. ~Michelle Weiner Davis, author of bestseller Divorce Busting. Do your part: • " Successful marriage is not so much a matter of finding the right person, but being the right person." ~Scott Stanley, Ph.D.,  a research professor and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. • Be the best person you can be in your relationship-physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. • "If you want a happy marriage, invest time and energy in it like you did when you were dating and take an annual checkup." ~ David H. Olson, Ph.D., Founder and CEO of Life Innovations, is Professor Emeritus, Family Social Science, University of Minnesota • Look independently at your issues: It is often easier to point to your partner's issues than it is to examine your own. Foster Trust and Security • Learn to trust and be trustworthy. • Avoid temptation. • "Build boundaries, like a fortress, around your marriage to protect it" (for example, strong boundaries with the opposite sex, in-laws, use of alcohol, etc.) - Glen and Joan Mears, a 38-years-married couple and military marriage counselors. "Work with your partner or spouse to create a shared vision for your relationship." ~Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and author of the bestselling book Getting the Love You Want • Agree on what you want your relationship to look and feel like. • Develop goals for your relationship. • Decide on what types of things you need to be doing to move toward making your vision a reality.  Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. "Healthy relationships are created, not found." ~Martha Miller, L.C.S.W.-C. • Marriage Education is helpful and preventive. • Therapy is not admitting defeat; it can help. • "I now think of long-term marriage like I think about living in my home state of Minnesota. You move into marriage in the springtime of hope, but eventually arrive at the Minnesota winter, with its cold and darkness. Many of us are tempted to give up and move south at this point, not realizing that maybe we've hit a rough spot in a marriage that's actually above average. The problem with giving up, of course, is that our next marriage will enter its own winter at some point. So do we just keep moving on, or do we make our stand now-with this person, in this season? That's the moral, existential question we face when our marriage is in trouble." ~ William Doherty, Ph.D., professor and director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota and co-founder of the National Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists.

Top 10 Reasons Marriages End in Divorce

Unrealistic expectations about marriage in the first place and a lack of normative understandings about the nature of marriage and the challenges of life that couples and families face. Differing basic life values. Lack of full commitment to making the marriage work.  "Commitment is the glue that holds a couple together while they work through their differences."Susan Vogt, Author, Speaker, Coach The marriage becoming non-sexual An extra-relational affair Conflict over fertility issues-either an unwanted pregnancy or infertility.  "It is crucial that sex issues-both building a comfortable, functional couple sexual style and dealing with sexual problems and conflicts be addressed in pre-marital programs and marriage enhancement programs." Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., Author There may appear to be several reasons that contribute to a couple's decision to separate, but typically the common thread is the inability to effectively communication and a lack of conflict resolution skills.   "When conflict arises, the approach to handling it is often "Me against you", versus "Us against the issue". This creates a division in their partnership causing them to begin working less as a team and more as individuals. If communication is already difficult, then the differences over finances, child rearing, where to live, or even what to eat for dinner, causes the couple to feel their problems are even more insurmountable. Without help, they will often see divorce as the only option." ~Robert Bell, Beech Acres Parenting Center. Inadequate and inappropriate public information about the nature of marriage and the importance of Marriage Education and Relationship Education for all couples. "People are hungry for love and affection but don't know how to give love or receive love." ~Brooke Arnold & Ted N. Strader, COPES, Inc. There are too few good examples of healthy marriages in which the children are raised.

Top 10 Myths about Marriage
The way marriages are portrayed through media and popular culture can cloud our expectations of marriage and set the stage for disappointment during marriage. Do your own reality check by reading this top 10 list of myths.

Myth: Marriage will solve all of your problems. Reality: Any unaddressed problems you had prior to your marriage, you still have when you get married (and you could carry into future marriages). Marriage isn't a magic wand that can take a person's troubles away (even if it feels like that's what happening in the beginning). Take inventory of the issues you "bring to the marriage table" and address them with the love and support of your spouse. Myth: Good, healthy marriages come naturally--couples don't have to work at it--romance will always be alive in a good marriage. Reality: All relationships experience peaks and valleys. The everyday problems and challenges of married life can often cloud over romantic feelings. This is when making commitment is crucial. When you are in a valley, try compiling a list of your spouse's virtues to remind yourself of why you love him/her. Myth: Living together before marriage is a good way to test if the marriage will be successful. Reality: Cohabitation is not a good "test" for marriage. In fact, we now know that cohabitation prior to marriage in many circumstances is associated with negative marital outcomes. Myth: Your love life is neutral. Reality: Your love life has spillover effects into friendships, other familial relationships, co-workers, etc. It also affects your physical and mental health. Myth: "Never go to bed angry." Reality: This maxim can become counterproductive "if an argument drags on and you're only getting less agreeable with each other. It's OK to call a time out, set a time to reconnect the next day when you're fresher and have had time to cool off." ~Susan Vogt, Author, Speaker, Coah Myth: Healthy marriages are conflict free. Reality: In actuality, all couples experience conflict, but healthy couples can communicate and resolve conflict effectively. Myth: Your spouse completes you. Reality: You were always a complete individual. A spouse can complement you, but not complete you, nor is it reasonable to expect your spouse to fulfill all of your emotional needs. Myth: Married people have less satisfying sex lives than single people. Reality: According to a large-scale survey of Americans, married people report having sex more often and enjoying it more that their single counterparts. Myth: Marriage is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. Reality: Successful marriages aren't generally the result of luck or chance. Couples with enduring, healthy marriages typically share similar values and life goals and have both a strong commitment and friendship in their relationship with one another. Myth: Marriage conflicts only stem from the behavior of the spouses. Reality: It is amazing how much outside people, situations and events can impact your marriage. Strong boundaries around your marital relationship will help you and your spouse weather the storms of outside interference, such as nosey in-laws, demanding children and extra-marital temptations.

Top 10 Most Romantic Destinations or Get-a-ways

Niagara Falls Hawaii Paris Greece Venice, Italy Tuscany, Italy Martha's Vineyard Skyline Drive, Virginia Maltese Islands The Caribbean

Top 10 Health Benefits of Marriage
There are many benefits associated with being in a healthy marriage, such as higher income, but researchers are also finding that healthy marriages are also associated with the better physical and mental health and well being of family members. For adults, the top ten benefits of healthy marriage are:

Men and women live longer. Better mental health, for example reduced symptoms of depression More likely to survive and battle long-term illnesses, such as cancer Satisfaction & happiness Less risk-taking behaviors, such as substance abuse and engaging in illegal activities Less domestic violence Married men & women are less likely to die from heart attacks, more likely to return to health Having a spouse in old age reduces nursing home & hospital admissions & protects against loss of ADL Support from a spouse, such as hand holding, reduces physical pain and lowers stress response "Warm Partner Support" in stressful situations lowers blood pressure and heart rate, and increases oxytocin, protecting the cardiovascular and immune system

Top 10 Reasons Why Marriage Benefits Children
Ultimately the well being of children hinges on a safe, stable and nurturing environment with both biological parents. Children who experience this are:

More likely to attend college More likely to succeed academically More likely to experience good health and safety More likely to be emotionally healthier Less likely to attempt or commit suicide Less likely to demonstrate less behavioral problems in school Less likely to be a victim of physical or sexual abuse Less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol Less likely to commit delinquent behaviors Less likely to become pregnant as a teenager, or impregnate someone.

Top 10 Challenges Couples Face in Forming and Sustaining Healthy Relationships and Marriages

Lack of Role Models: Many couples have never seen what a healthy relationship looks like due to not having any role models growing up. Often their view of what "healthy" looks like is distorted so they have a hard time forming and sustaining a relationship. Stress of Multiple Obligations: parenting, work, education, legal obligations, etc. often take priority over having a healthy relationship. Lack of Communication Skills: "Learning how to validate each other's thoughts and feelings - even when different from one another, how to fight fair, and how to be compassionate to their partner and/or children are very helpful skill to have in relationships. Unfortunately, many people don't know how helpful and useful it can be to focus on building these skills. So getting people motivated to learn these relationship skills before they have hurt each other (and others) so deeply that they don't even want to try is the challenge." ~ Brooke Arnold & Ted N. Strader, COPES, Inc., Louisville, KY Ghosts of Past Relationships: Couples have to "unlearn" old patterns and learn new models for smart dating, marriage and fertility decisions. Media influence on participants perception of healthy relationships, what they look like and how to achieve them. Addictive behaviors Lack of Introspection or Willingness to look at individual issues that need to change: Individuals have difficulty sorting out what is their own part in unhealthy relationships and relationship failure courage to commit, identify a target for personal behavior change Trust issues: Dealing with the hurt and pain of past and current relationships. Many couples need more intensive therapy or couples therapy to address issues of infidelity, domestic violence, childhood trauma and abuse, etc. Finances - • poor credit, • lack of money management knowledge, • using money as a power differential, • debt • child support and financial obligations for children from past relationships • fear of committing to relationship without having everything "together" financially • no clear plan for getting things "together" financially. Lack of a support system, such as married friends, and a lack of ongoing community support. "Stepcouples, especially, need longer term help and support." ~ Jennifer L Baker, PsyD, LMFT, Center for Professional Solutions, The School of Professional Psychology at Forest Institute, Springfield, MO.

Top 10 Most Original Ways to Propose Marriage

A treasure hunt. Provide her with clues. When your partner comes to the last place be there waiting holding the ring out in your hand ready to propose. Layout rose petals or other flowers on your front lawn spelling about "Will You Marry Me". Sky write it: Have a plane spell your proposal in the air for you. Go where the two of you first met. Create a memory book. Take a note book and make it like a diary of your time together. Towards the end cut out the center of enough pages to fit a ring in and as you turn to that page ask her to marry you. Place an ad in a local newspaper Propose at a sporting event. Either arrange to have your proposal broadcast over the public address system or displayed on the large screen. If you are really adventurous, you could also contact the team's public relations department and try to make arrangements to make your proposal on the field at halftime. They might be willing to help you stage a scenario where you are either chosen to win a prize or participate in a contest and while you are on the field, they would hand over the microphone to allow you to make your proposal. Hide the ring in an unexpected location. For example you could pretend to have a clogged sink and while you are working to fix the clog, you could reach into the sink and pull out the engagement ring. For the woman to ask the man to marry her, instead of waiting for him to propose. Many women anxiously await the day that the man in their life will propose but why not add your own creative twist by proposing to him instead. The woman is free to propose in any way that she finds truly romantic and can ensure that the proposal is both creative and romantic and that it's a moment that they both will remember for the rest of their lives. Put your proposal up with the ads before a movie and take your sweetie early to see the show. You can contact your local theater for advertising information or contact a large theater such as Regal Cinemas for advertising information.

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For Practitioners:

Top 10 Recommended Marketing and Recruitment Strategies
Recruiting participants for your healthy relationship and healthy marriage programs can be a challenge, so we asked expert program staff to tell us their most successful strategies. In addition to all of these, please remember, "be flexible and open to new ideas. Be patient - it takes a while to make an impact and develop a reputation." ~ Nyanda Finley de Santos, M.Ed., Manager of Family Services, Community Services for Children, Inc., Allentown, PA.

Form on-going and reciprocal Partnerships with Community-based Organizations, such as: • Churches • Ministerial Alliances • Schools: public and private, Elementary, Secondary, High School, Community Colleges, and Colleges and Universities, FACS Classes, Alternative High School Programs. Sororities and Fraternities. "Work through schools in the curricular areas that support healthy relationship education. Benefits: Embeds relationship skills in a large cultural organization, salaries do not have to be paid so more youth can be reached, large numbers of youth are available for instruction." ~Kay Reed, Executive Director, The Dibble Institute. • Locally owned stores/restaurants with a focus on giving back to the community • Bridal businesses • Parent associations • Non-profits • Local and State Agencies such as Child Support, Head and Healthy Start and Early Head Start, WIC • Civil Courts • YMCA • NAACP • Hospitals and clinics • Places where parenting classes are already offered • Ethic Associations • Professional Organizations • "Those most eager to work with us have been groups working with youth that have ‘problems,' e.g., Alternative High School programs, Boys & Girls club, juvenile probation officers." ~ Jennifer L Baker, PsyD, LMFT, Center for Professional Solutions, The School of Professional Psychology at Forest Institute, Springfield, MO. Engaging in the following activities with local and partner organizations: • Distributing flyers and brochures • Placing ads in their newsletters • Doing presentations for the clients • Using testimonials from past couples who have completed programming • Maintaining active board membership on community boards • Creating a resource book which includes contact information for partners and distributing it to couples • Bringing 3-4 partners in monthly to visit with and talk directly with couples • Sponsoring community events • Volunteering at special events such as coat distribution or thanksgiving dinner • Offer web content for their websites Networking to gain and maintain a good reputation in the community at • community gatherings • block parties • local fairs • local meetings • sporting events • health fairs Developing relationships with key community members, such as: • professors, • principals, • public servants • Probation officers • Community activists Targeting and tracking referral partners: • "Focusing on specific types of organizations and agencies that our target population would have a high propensity to utilize (i.e. Health care providers, Education, Churches, etc.) We then began contacting these partners, informing them of our program, asking for ways we could assist one another, and asking them to share information with families who might benefit. We started with the most densely populated sectors." • "We developed a spreadsheet of referral partners and update it regularly by matching the number of referrals to the partner. We then separate them in green, yellow and red groups with green being our most supportive partners and red being the least engaged. As we send emails and promotions, we target the green first and most frequently." ~ Bianca Simmons, Family Recruitment Specialist, Marriage for Keeps-a project of Catholic Charities, Inc.-Diocese of Wichita Contacting people directly in person or by mail Word of mouth: past participants telling others about their experience to friends, family members, co-workers, etc.or ask couples to bring other couples to classes. "We have found word of mouth to be particularly successful." ~ Brooke Arnold & Ted N. Strader, COPES, Inc., Louisville, KY Mass media: • TV, • radio, • billboards • newspaper ads, • Spanish language television and radio Use strategic messages in your advertising: • Advertise the benefits of healthy marriage to children, families and communities. • Clever program or event names are also very helpful. The classes need to sound like fun, not like therapy; e.g., "Hitched and Happy," "Couples That Rock," or "Hitched (or not) and Hatching." ~ Jennifer L Baker, PsyD, LMFT, Center for Professional Solutions, The School of Professional Psychology at Forest Institute, Springfield, MO. • Branding: "We rotate our message several times per year so that we can focus on each of our differentiated target markets. For example: promotional period one is focused on mothers/wives, promotional period two is focused on fathers/husbands promotional period three is focused on the entire family, and promotional period four is focused on the couple. Those messages are tailored for the specific audience to quickly gain the attention of the potential participant and maximize the promotional effort. " ~ Bianca Simmons, Family Recruitment Specialist, Marriage for Keeps-a project of Catholic Charities, Inc.-Diocese of Wichita • Integrated Marketing Communication or saturating different mediums of communication with very consistent branding(i.e. Craig's List, Website, posters, flyers, emails, presentations, folders, promotional items, etc.) Regularly Evaluate Your Marketing Plan's Effectiveness

Top 10 Best Retention Strategies

Have high quality programming (including informational content woven into skill-building opportunities to practice specific skills). The programming must be worthy of participants' time and energy. Having energetic, professional, caring facilitators/staff. "There's no substitution for talented facilitators who prepare well, are really dynamic and connect well with people ." ~ Jennifer L Baker, PsyD, LMFT, Center for Professional Solutions, The School of Professional Psychology at Forest Institute, Springfield, MO. "Creating a warm, welcoming atmosphere for couples to feel safe and think they are part of a family is a piece of feedback we consistently receive from couples as a reason why they kept coming back for more programming." ~ Brooke Arnold & Ted N. Strader, COPES, Inc., Louisville, KY Childcare on-site or a stipend to cover the cost Transportation or transportation stipends. Good Food and snacks-and plenty of them Fun drawings for prizes, such as gas or grocery cards, fully stocked diaper bag, high chair, crib, and stroller. Activities that are relaxing and create a fun environment, such as movies, games, or themed events - that offer content, as well as time together. Overnight hotel accommodations - weekend retreat format. Make sure the environment is father friendly and sensitive to making them feel as comfortable as the mothers.

Top 10 Essential Readings for Practitioners
"If professionals are expected to manage, coordinate, and/or facilitate groups/classes regarding healthy relationships, it would probably be helpful for them to first understand where people come from - what kind of childhood did they have or not have, who influenced them, what messages did they receive. Understanding where we come from can help guide us to where we want to go." ~ Brooke Arnold & Ted N. Strader, COPES, Inc., Louisville, KY.

Promises I Can Keep by Kathryn Edin Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix Healing the Child Within by Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. Building Healthy Individuals, Families, and Communities: Creating Lasting Connections by Ted N. Strader, David A. Collins, and Tim D. Noe The Case for Marriage by Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher Eight Lessons for A Happier Marriage by William Glasser and Carleen Glasser A Set of Directions for Putting and Keeping Yourself Together by Robert Wubbolding Marriage and Caste in America by Kay Hymowitz Making a Love Connection by Marline Pearson and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead Online Resources: • National Healthy Marriage Resource Center • National Extension Relationship & Marriage Education Network • Smart Marriages: The Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education

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