WETZSTEIN: Why Americans put off marriage - Washington Times

Marriage is associated with wealth, health, longevity, happiness and sexual satisfaction, plus myriad benefits for children.

Yet the nation’s marriage rate keeps sliding downward — in 2009, there were 36 marriages per 1,000 single women 15 and older, compared with 75 marriages per 1,000 in the early 1970s, according to the “State of Our Unions 2010” report from the National Marriage Project and Institute for American Values.

As pro-marriage supporters prepare for the second annual “National Marriage Week,” Feb. 7-14, I offer a list of reasons for why young Americans are waiting to marry.

These seven reasons come from a fascinating new book, “Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think About Marrying,” by sociology professor Mark Regnerus at the University of Texas at Austin and postdoctoral fellow Jeremy Uecker of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

Young Americans have “scripts” that say they should wait to marry because:

• They can’t afford it. College is expensive, and couples want each other to be completely finished with school, have stable jobs and be “economically set” before marrying, the researchers wrote. Ironically, such rules do not apply to cohabiting.

• The 20s are a time to “be your own person.” Committing to a marriage looks risky when both people expect to “change” as they find their “true selves.” The resulting script says: Do the self-discovery part first, then involve “other people.”

• “It’s too soon to have children.” The lack of logic here is daunting: Marriage doesn’t cause babies, sex does, and more than half of American singles ages 18 to 23 are in sexually active relationships, Mr. Regnerus and Mr. Uecker found. Moreover, staying single doesn’t mean a birth won’t occur; in fact, four in 10 babies are born out of wedlock.

But, skipping over these facts of life, many young people think if they postpone marriage, they postpone children. As one 22-year-old woman said, “If I don’t want kids, I don’t really need to get married right away.”

• It’s time to travel, not settle down. A desire to travel was a common refrain, but it was “seldom accompanied by references to particular places they wished to go,” the researchers said. “It’s just the idea of it that’s appealing. And the assumption that marriage nixes one’s travel possibilities.”

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Us-ness' is essential for stability in union | The News-Sentinel - Fort Wayne IN

Stability is a primary element of a healthy marriage. The turmoil and constant conflict associated with instability are harbingers of a marriage in trouble.

But, what marks the difference between stable and unstable marriages? Expert Terry Hargrave provides a provocative answer in “The Essential Humility of Marriage.”

Unstable couples haven't “just lost one another.” Hargrave explains they have “lost their relationship,” their “us-ness.” “Us-ness” is the recognition that the relationship is “an entity separate from but dependent on the partners.” It's “not quite one (partner) or the other, but has elements of both.” It's what couples have and are together that's more significant than either individual. Us-ness is an invisible, but very real, third party to every healthy marriage that “takes on a personality with characteristics of its own.”

Hargrave notes we've “over-focused on individuality” for the last 50 years. Individual rights, feelings, satisfaction and accomplishment, along with “self-actualization” and self-assertiveness, have become all-important. In the meantime, the power and value of “us,” as a separate entity from “you” and “me,” have been ignored.

Us-ness can only exist in a stable relationship. Hargrave says “stability is a prerequisite for trustworthiness.” Trust grows slowly over time. When we grow to trust someone, we're able to give without threats or manipulation and able to believe that our partner “in turn will give us what we need.”

Lack of trustworthiness inevitably leads to unstable relationships. Both parties “stop giving and find ways to protect themselves.” And, the more each holds back and moves to protect his or her interests, the more each causes additional harm to the other, and gives more reasons not to be trusted in the future. In the process, us-ness is destroyed.

Hargrave says, however, that issues of power and control can be even more destabilizing than matters of trustworthiness. In unstable marriages, both “spouses start competing for the power.” Their decisions are not motivated to promote us-ness. Instead, decisions are made for individual purposes.

Competition for power in the relationship comes in several forms, all of which are damaging. For example, when either spouse:

♦Tries to “shape the relationship as he or she wants it to be.” What is good for “me,” not “us,” is the prime motivation.

♦Makes disrespectful or unloving comments at the expense of the other. Actions that sabotage the legitimate plans of your spouse, simply because you don't like them, are also attempts to dominate. It pits you against your spouse to determine who's in control.

Abusive behavior, either physical or emotional, is an extreme example of a power grab that destroys us-ness. Abusive individuals demand all the power, insist the relationship be run as they demand and show little interest in how their words or actions harm their spouse. Follow the old adage: “First, do no harm.” Abusive behavior always harms us-ness.

There are many things couples can do to promote their sense of us-ness. However, the most important are: recognize the value of your us-ness, act in trustworthy ways, and avoid the temptation of trying to take over the relationship and “fix” your spouse.

--> 2010, All Rights Reserved. James Sheridan has been married for 43 years. He serves as Chief Judge of the 2-A District Court in Adrian, Mich. His Web site is www.marriagedoneright.com. This column is the personal opinion of the writer and does not necessarily reflect the views or opinion of The News-Sentinel. To read more Neighbors and Features columns, click on Columns at www.news-sentinel.com.
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Head Start Healthy Marriage

ECLKC Home > Family & Community Partnerships > Parent Involvement > Healthy Marriage

 
Head Start Healthy Marriage E-Newsletters
  
  true
 

In late 2007, Head Start approved the funding of 24 Healthy Marriage programs to serve the families of Head Start enrolled and eligible children. The Head Start Healthy Marriage newsletters are designed to share the successes of these Healthy Marriage programs within the Head Start and early childhood community. Each newsletter features a different Healthy Marriage program. The programs share how they use curricula and partnerships to be responsive and to support the communities they serve.

 


  More on Healthy Marriage

http://eclkc.ohs.acf.hhs.gov/hslc/Family%20and%20Community%20Partnerships/New%20Parental%20Involvement/Healthy%20Marriage

 

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Chick-fil-A date part of marriage series

LITTLE ROCK — Candlelight, crisp white tablecloths and live music - it’s not the typical decor at Chickfil-A. But for three Mondays in February, five locations in Northwest Arkansas will transform for date night.

The date nights are part of the “We Love Marriage Challenge” sponsored by Northwest Arkansas Healthy Marriages, Chick-fil-A and Christian radio station KLRC-FM, 101.1. NWA Healthy Marriages is an outreach of the Center for Relationship Enrichment at John Brown University in Siloam Springs. JBU is a private Christian school, but program director Greg Smalley said the healthy marriage initiative is a faith-neutral program funded by a $2.7 million grant from theU.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Their goal is to strengthen marriages.

“In Arkansas we hate admitting it but we’re usually the second highest in the country behind Nevada in the divorce rate,” Smalley said. “But we really want to be known for our great marriages.”

NWA Healthy Marriages offers workshops and resources for couples, including tips for nights out together. The month-long marriage challenge is the latest effort to encourage couples to be more intentional about spending time together. Smalley said couples are sometimes so busy that they neglect their relationship.

“The hope is you can put marriage on autopilot and hopefully it will go where it needs to go. But that’s such a myth. You have to be intentionally investing,” Smalley said. “There is no autopilot.”

The month-long emphasis on marriage starts with a “Love and Laughter” event with best-selling author and relationship expert Gary Smalley, Greg Smalley’s father, on Feb. 12 at the John Q. Hammons Center in Rogers. Cost is $99 per couple.

The event will include relationship tips from Gary Smalley, as well as an inspirational talk by Danny Cahill, the Season Eight winner of The Biggest Loser. The gathering will also include the comedy team Acts of Renewal and dinner and dessert, followed by a concert by Michael O’Brien, former lead singer of the Christian group New Song.

Participants will also receive a date night kit that will include a coupon for a free Chick-fil-A sandwich, a sample date night menu, information about other NWA Healthy Marriages events and a list of marriage classes from local churches.

“It will be a really fun event,” Greg Smalley said. “I think couples will really enjoy it.”

Couples are encouraged to follow up on the seminar by taking a free “couples checkup” to discover what’s going right in the relationship and what can be improved.

“Simply the act of taking a little assessment enriches their marriage,” Smalley said. “It gets them thinking about their relationship.”

They are also encouraged to attend the date nights at Chick-fil-A on Feb. 14, 21 and 28. Couples don’t have to attend the seminar to participate in the survey or the date nights.

Smalley said he hopes couples will take what they learn from the marriage seminar and put it to use.

“Take it to a deeper level and really make it a part of your relationship,” he said. “One of the things we’ve realized is simply because you go to an event and get inspired doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to make a lasting change.”

That’s why he’s encouraging couples to follow up with the survey and the date nights, which will include a date guide with a series of questions to ponder.

“Chick-fil-A is going all out,” he said. “They are making it a big deal for couples.”

Scott Clark, owner of the two Rogers locations, said the ambience will definitely be different for the date nights.

“We’ll put out white tablecloths like in a fine dining room, light candles and draw the lights down,” he said. “We’ll make it a special evening.”

Clark said the date nights are for everyone and date night on Valentine’s Day has been a Chick-fil-A tradition.

“We try to make it a very family-friendly thing so you don’t feel like you can only come if you’re on a date,” he said. “A mother might want to take her son or a father take his daughter. We want Chickfil-A to be a very friendly,available spot for folks to come and make memories.”

Clark said the restaurants will also offer some activities for children, so parents can have some time alone while they enjoy their food.

“So if mom and dad can’t get a sitter, they can have a few moments of time and a meal,” he said.

Five Northwest Arkansas Chick-fil-A restaurants are participating. Locations are in Bentonville, Fayetteville and Rogers.

Information about the “We Love Marriage Challenge” is available online at nwamar riages.com/challenge.

This article was published January 29, 2011 at 3:39 a.m.

Religion, Pages 14 on 01/29/2011

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