I'm tired of the "wintry mix." Here in New York snowfall in January broke a record. My heating bills set a record, too, and the winter's far from over.
Long about this time every year I get the urge to head south, or west, for good. I'm aware that last month every state except Florida had snow on the ground, though it's not usually that way. Still, fantasizing about moving is about as far as I'll get-- divorce pretty much prevents it.
My daydreams about running away began after my ex-husband left. Not that I really wanted to pull up stakes from where I'd set them down 20 years before or uproot my children's lives even further. (Just like I never wanted a divorce.) But getting smacked in the face by a wrongful lawsuit at mid-life made Jon-Kabat Zinn look like the enemy. At least in the beginning.
"I've seen judges prohibit custodial parents from moving more than a few blocks," my attorney Saul Edelstein said when I inquired about my options.
"But I have no family here to help me," I said. "And it's expensive."
"Too bad," Saul said. In other words, as the well-known Brooklyn sign says when you're about to exit the borough: Fuhgeddaboudit.
Though I was still trying to save my marriage, resentment set my imagination spinning. Conjuring up places to move I never even had an inclination to visit, especially after finding out the law provided no countervailing compensation for the restrictions on my constitutional right to travel.
"Years ago, I left Manhattan and a great group of friends to move upstate with my husband, only to have him leave me for another woman," Erica Manfred told me. "Now I'm stuck in the boonies, much older and alone, because we co-parent my daughter."
Of course, in certain circumstances courts do permit custodial parents to relocate. But getting the green light can be complicated. Laws vary from state to state, from balancing tests to the "best interests of the child" standards; some states require proof of good faith. Suffice it to say unless your ex and non-custodial spouse blesses your relocation plan, even if it's only to the adjoining school district, you'll likely find yourself in a complex, costly legal mess by petitioning to head out of Dodge.
Proof will be required on a whole host of matters such as your your relocation plan, reasons for it and proposal for how your child will maintain contact with the non-custodial parent; your child's relationship with parents, siblings and grandparents, special needs, and the impact of relocation, including quality of life and effect on education and social relationships; the financial impacts, etc. Before it's all over there may be psych evaluations of the entire family as well as appointment of a law guardian to interview your child. Older children might have a say, and that can engender an entirely different sort of stress on the home front. (And who can blame them - as a rule, children don't want their parents divorcing in the first place!) The move may be expensive, too, along with the physical and emotional strain of readjusting.
"The bottom line is if you choose divorce, or have it chosen for you, you ultimately put the courts in charge of everything related to your kids until they are grown - including where you live and by extension, where you'll work and where your new spouse may work," says matrimonial attorney John Crouch.
Indeed, the courts--or even your ex--may force your hand.
"Courts can order that child custody change to the other parent if the custodial parent moves," says Crouch.
"When I was in the middle of divorce, my lawyer asked the court if my four kids and I could move to Houston where I have lots of family and the cost of living was much lower," Debby from Chicago told me. "My ex said of course I could move and come back whenever I wanted to visit my children. Needless to say, I remained in Chicago, where we had no family other than each other. Ten months later my ex left the state to avoid paying child support."
Awhile ago my own doctor said divorce had caused such stress that I should consider a long sabbatical.
"But my daughter's a teen, and she'd miss her dad," I pleaded. No matter that he and I had been through the litigation mill; he was her father. I understood her needs, even though I had my own oxygen mask to think about.
Only my doctor had something else in mind. "You're misunderstanding me," he said. "You should go alone." Talk about a sucker-punch. He's a brilliant, caring physician, but I ignored his advice for the time being and stayed put.
Unless the parties agree otherwise, however, the law generally imposes no impediments on the constitutional right to travel of non-custodial parents, even if they're the ones who do the leaving. They don't need a good reason to move, just like under no-fault divorce they don't really need a good reason to leave the marriage or family either. (Of course, custodial parents don't really need a good reason either.) If a better employment opportunity comes knocking, or an out-of-town romance presents itself, or pure whimsy strikes, they answer to no one but themselves.
Of course, not all non-custodial parents want to flee, even the left ones.
Charlie, a once full-time stay-at-home dad, who asked me not to use his real name because he's fearful of repercussions, told me that he, too, was the victim of a unilateral divorce. As a result, his parenting time dwindled to half. And, now after years of not working outside the home, he's forced to re-enter the job market during one of the worst unemployment periods in recent history. He hasn't been able to find work nearby, and doesn't want to move because his parenting time would be slashed even further. But he may have no choice.
Sadly, it's the kids who invariably get caught in the middle. There are few studies of the effects of relocation on children of divorce, but the data that exists along with research about the effects of relocation on children generally suggests that the picture is not pretty. Moreover, the social science research shows that in the majority of cases the best interests of children are better served if parents remain together in the first place. Indeed, why not have a "best interests of the children" standard where it counts most? Unfortunately, our divorce laws and practices do nothing to educate parents about the harmful effects of divorce on children or to promote reconciliation. (Of course, divorce may be better for children in certain cases such as those riddled with abuse.)
February 7-14 is National Marriage Week. So why not celebrate this year by tossing that divorce complaint where it belongs? In the garbage.
Follow Beverly Willett on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BeverlyWillett
Two Great Options for Valentines Day! Marriage Week is a creative campaign that occurs during the Valentine's Day holiday in an attempt to deepen and extend this day in the minds of couples. Instead of greeting card sentiments and candy hearts, couples are encouraged to take advantage of opportunities for honest relationship validation and enrichment. In honor of Marriage Week, we have two special offers for couples:
- Take a Valentine's Couple Checkup during Marriage Week for only $19.95 (regularly $29.95). This special price will be offered from February 7-14 at www.CoupleCheckup.com
A Free Webinar for Couples, "Valentines Couple Checkup" offered by Peter Larson, Ph.D. & Ron Deal LMFT. February 13th at 7pm CT. This event is designed to help couples get the most out of their Couple Checkup. Click here to read more and register. Please help spread the word about these two great opportunities!
“One of the great illusions of our time is that love is self-sustaining. It is not. Love must be fed and nurtured, constantly reviewed. That demands ingenuity and consideration, but first and foremost, it demands time.” —David Mace
Feb. 7, 2011 Press Release: "New Survey! Recession brings greater commitment to stay married" Press contacts my contact Sheila Weber at sheila@letsstrengthenmarriage.org for more information.
* Click here for the press release [PDF]NEW Report, February 7, 2011, from the National Marriage Project, U.Va. "The Great Recession and Marriage."
* Click here for the report [PDF]
PRESS RELEASE February 1, 2011 Download Latest News from National Marriage Week USA (Feb.7-14)
Marriage Benefits Personal and National Economic Stability [PDF]
The Governor of Wisconsin on January 31, 2011 issued a Proclamation for National Marriage Week USA. Read here: http://www.wifamilyaction.org/files/trya.campaigntoolbox.org/downloads/NMW_proclamation_2011.pdf
Pre-recorded PSA for use on radio or internet (version 2)
Pre-recorded PSA for use on radio or internet (version 1)
PSA scripts for you to record for radio or internet http://www.nationalmarriageweekusa.com/download/files/16.doc
"Church Stresses Commitment over Consumerism on Valentine's Day." Read Feb. 14, 2010 article at
Excerpt of Chuck Stetson on FOX News "Strategy Room" Feb. 12, 2010 (excerpts 5 minutes)
"Pro Marriage Campaign Grows," The Washington Times, January 19, 2010 by Cheryl Weinstein. Click here to read the article.
National Marriage Week USA highlighted in The Wall Street Journal Feb. 11, 2010 op-ed by David Lapp entitled "Did I Get Married Too Young? Marriages of people in their early to mid-20s are not nearly as risky as you think." Click here for the article.
Brad Wilcox on Truth For Our Time.
Feb 11, 2010
Click here to read the text from the interview.
President of the Republic of Ireland Launches National Marriage Week (click here)
"National Marriage Week USA Launches to Turn the Tide" Feb. 7, 2010
Click here for the article.
"Why You Should Care About Marriage in America" by Sheila Weber, executive director of National Marriage Week USA. Posted Feb. 6, 2010 at FOX NEWS Forum:
Click here for a copy of the article.
Georgia Governor Proclaims Marriage Week--Feb. 7 to 14
Utah Governor Proclaims Marriage Week--Feb. 7 to 14
For immediate release
Contact: Sheila Weber at
Sheila@letsstrengthenmarriage.org
Download the Press Release
http://www.nationalmarriageweekusa.com/download/files/4.docAnnouncing a New Initiative for National Marriage Week USA—February 7 to 14, 2010 To encourage marriage, reduce divorce rates, curtail poverty, and benefit children
NEW YORK, NY. National Marriage Week USA (www.nationalmarriageweekUSA.org) announces a new initiative for the week leading up to Valentine’s Day 2010, and is putting forth a call to mobilize hundreds of diverse organizations to plan and prepare for awareness and activities for February 7 to 14, 2010. The goal is to elevate national attention on the need to strengthen marriage and ways to do it, and initiate new efforts to reduce the divorce rate and build a stronger marriage culture which in turn helps curtail poverty and benefits children.
National Marriage Week has long been an organized celebration in the UK, Germany, Ireland, Australia, the Czech Republic, and elsewhere internationally (www.marriage-weekinternational.com) with large rallies, resolutions and celebrations in Parliaments, concerted efforts for marriage education, and more. Marriage Week was brought to the U.S. by Smart Marriages in 2002. For 2010 a new initiative is being launched by National Marriage Week USA (NMWUSA) in an effort to focus solely on February 7 to 14 with an interactive website and coordination of national efforts at www.NationalMarriageWeekUSA.org
Chuck Stetson, chairman of National Marriage Week USA says “The alarming drop in marriage rates in America combined with high divorce rates are costly to the nation—financially costly to taxpayers and individuals, and emotionally costly to children. The nation needs to pay attention.”
“Marriage works,” says NMWUSA executive director Sheila Weber. “Research shows that marriage makes people happier, live longer, and build more economic security. Children with married parents perform better in school. There are proven ways to repair and restore marriages—but most folks don’t know where to go to get the help they need.”
Alarming new facts are in. A new Marriage Index, released jointly by the National Center on African American Marriages and Parenting (NCAAMP) and the Institute for American Values in October 2009, reveals a huge decline in national marriage indicators. One indicator shows 78 percent of adults were married in 1970, while only 57 percent of adults were married in 2008. Another indicator shows 40 percent of all children in America are now born out of wedlock in 2008; and 72 percent of African American children are now born without married parents.
“I am excited about the efforts of National Marriage Week USA to pull together business, government, and religious organizations to draw attention to solutions to the current problems created by divorce,” said marriage expert Gary Chapman, best-selling author of “Five Love Languages.” “If we can help couples learn how to create loving, supportive marriages, it will not only bring marital satisfaction, but will enrich the lives of children, and create a more productive society. Every couple can contribute to the solution. It begins by reading books, attending classes, and having productive communication with your own spouse. National Marriage Week USA offers multiple resources to help you,” said Chapman.
The “Let’s Strengthen Marriage” Campaign in early 2010 held a global webinar for pastors and leaders (www.marriagewebinar.org) which is archived for continued viewing. Participants are growing daily. Posting of Events all around the country is now growing at http://www.nationalmarriageweekusa.org/events/ and you can “Read What Others Are Doing” at http://www.nationalmarriageweekusa.org/testimony/.
Ways to get involved with National Marriage Week USA include:
- Churches are encouraged to launch new marriage classes, sermon series, or host a major weekend marriage conference,
- Clergy can form Community Marriage Policies with all the clergy in their town (cities with CMPs have lowered divorce rates),
- Mayoral or Statewide Proclamations are available for National Marriage Week USA,
- Businesses can create and distribute pocket-sized pamphlets on topics such as “What is a Healthy Marriage?”
- Screenings of special marriage education DVDs or marriage related movies,
- Use of the National Marriage Week USA logo for local ads and activities,
- Schools can sponsor assemblies on healthy relationship skills.
- Most importantly, folks are encouraged to work on their own marriage—with lots of ideas and resources for where to go for help at www.nationalmarriageweekUSA.org.
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January 19, 2010
WETZSTEIN: Pro-marriage campaign grows
In my years of writing about family issues, I've often encountered a dissing of marriage.
Marriage is viewed by critics as a man-made arrangement that is good for men and bad for women. Some say its demands for monogamy are biologically unnatural; others say its promises of "happily ever after" are a myth. In many circles, marriage is something wise people avoid.
For those Americans who don't feel that way about marriage, the cavalry finally may be on its way.
In November, a national campaign called Let's Strengthen Marriage was formed with the goal of getting marriage onto the "national agenda."
The campaign recently held a webinar aimed at encouraging tens of thousands of houses of worship to celebrate National Marriage Week, Feb. 7 through 14.
Religious leaders also were challenged to immediately set up dating and courtship seminars for youth, marriage preparation education for teens and singles and marriage enrichment courses for married couples.
A concerted marriage revival in America's foundational Christian community could lead to a "great awakening" for America, said Jim Garlow, senior pastor at Skyline Church in San Diego, on the Jan. 13 Let's Strengthen Marriage webinar.
"The question constantly arises, can America be saved. The answer is yes, only when we save our marriages first," said the Rev. Samuel Rodriguez, who promised to encourage the 25,000 congregations in the National Hispanic Christian Leadership Conference to mobilize around marriage.
W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, said that the "fortunes of the church basically rise and fall with the fortunes of married families in this country." That's because married couples with children are 62 percent more likely to attend church than childless singles, he explained. Strong families also socialize children into religious traditions and "orient adults to the moral, social and spiritual goods found in these traditions."
With so many adult children of divorce coming of age, a renewed focus on marriage in the faith community is imperative, said Elizabeth Marquardt, director of the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values .
In research for her book "Between Two Worlds," Mrs. Marquardt found that many children of divorce lost confidence in God and their faith. In a real sense, she said, divorce doesn't just break up a family, it "drives children away from the church."
"We cannot stand by and watch marriage collapse," said Chuck Stetson , an investment banker and chairman of the Let's Strengthen Marriage campaign. The decline of marriage in America and the rise of unwed childbearing should galvanize people of faith to step up, he said. "Defeatism is not an option."
Others who have aligned themselves with the campaign are Chuck Colson, founder of Prison Fellowship Ministries, and Christopher West of the Theology of the Body Institute. The rise in the U.S. prison population is "insane," Mr. Colson said; "we have got to get marriage right." The Theology of the Body Institute is spreading Pope John Paul II's messages about the powerful, redemptive quality of marital love between a man and a woman. Bishop Harry Jackson, senior pastor of Hope Christian Church in the District, closed the webinar by urging congregations not to allow marriage to be "redefined."
As someone who has been writing about America's "marriage renaissance" since the mid-1990s, when Smart Marriages founder Diane Sollee claimed that term, I am intrigued by what might happen if America's faith communities really realized their capacity to assist men and women in their quest for strong, stable, happy marriages and families.
The Let's Strengthen Marriage campaign summed up the merits of marriage in nine words: "Financial stability. Better health. Less troubled kids. Greater happiness."
I would add a 10th word, "Amen."
• Cheryl Wetzstein can be reached atcwetzsteinwashingtontimes.com.
Healthy Marriages, Healthy Society
National Marriage Week
By Chuck Colson
January 14, 2010Christians have many biblical and theological reasons for promoting healthy marriages. But there’s another reason why keeping marriages strong is so important.
Folow this link to read Chuck Colson's story:
http://www.breakpoint.org/commentaries/14068-healthy-marriages-healthy-society
"Love in an Economic Downturn" National Review (online), January 5, 2010.
W. Bradford Wilcox, Institute Senior Fellow and Director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, highlights the return to thrift and the decline of divorce as two "silver lining" effects of the Great Recession featured in State of Our Unions 2009: Money and Marriage http://www.businessweek.com/managing/content/dec2009/ca20091228_156782.htm
New! The First Ever MARRIAGE INDEX: Monitoring the Nation's Leading Marriage Indicators
Download Press Release http://www.americanvalues.org/IAV_Marriage_Index_PR.pdf
Download Marriage Index Report http://www.americanvalues.org/pdfs/IAV_Marriage_Index_09_25_09.pdf
Several media outlets have committed to coverage about the decline of marriage and proposed solutions. Look for forthcoming news in the fall of 2009 and throughout 2010.
| City, SKW Team Up to Promote Healthy Marriages | Daily Times Leader 7 kicks off Healthy Marriage Week across the United States, and Sally Kate Winters Family Services is promoting Healthy Marriage Week to encourages couples ... www.dailytimesleader.com/.../city-skw-team-promote-healthy-... |
Marriage works. It makes people happier, live longer, and build more economic security. Children with married parents perform better in school. Read short summary from “The Case for Marriage” here.
Deep down, everyone wishes they could have a rewarding lifelong commitment with their spouse. But in the midst of challenges, we forget how marriage can benefit our personal lives. We are losing our determination and the skills to keep marriages heal thy and strong.
Marriage breakdown is costly to our kids and to society at large. Divorce and unwed childbearing cost the U.S. taxpayers a whopping $112 billion annually. In these economic challenging times, building stronger marriages helps build a stronger nation.
| Bethesda, MD. |
http://www.nire.org/services-for-individuals-couples-and-families/premarriage-counseling/mastering-the-mysteries-of-love/
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Get a checkup for your relationship, class offered in Kingsburg